Feeling second best......
I know not everyone has the same story, but I need the advice of someone who has "been there." I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. We are both 28. He bought a house 2 years ago and will be going back to school in August. I'm in school right now and will be graduating next year. Overall, we have had our ups and downs like every other relationship, but as of late, I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
I'm not looking for the "well then break up" advice but for people who have actually gone through something like this and worked through it with their partner.
On Thursday, my boyfriend said he wanted to spend his day off with me since he had off Friday. I spent the night at his house and on Friday and we got up, we had coffee, and he went to run some errands. I called him at 3p and asked if he was still going with me and he said he was going to go "riding" with his friends because this guy that they knew had a professional track at his house (and riding is his passion). Well at 730p I called and asked him if he was planning on eating dinner with me. He then proceeds to tell me that he was eating at this guys house because the guy was grilling some food for him and his friend. He says he will come over afterward. He comes to my house close to 10p.
Needless to say, I was not happy, and I told him that I didn't appreciate him saying that he wanted to spend his day off with me and then go and spend his day elsewhere. His response was that we didn't have "legitimate" plans (as in a movie, dinner, date, party to attend etc.). I told him that when you tell someone you want to spend your day off with them that it wouldn't matter if we were just running errands and that I didn't realize we needed "legitimate" plans for him to follow through.
Basically, he said that if he has an opportunity to ride on a great track that he is going to do that because errands can wait. How that translated to me was, if he tells me we are going to spend time together and something better like riding comes along, unless it is legitimate in his eyes that he can change his mind at any point and I'll be put on the back burner.
It just makes me mad and I feel like pulling back from him. What I mean by pulling back is this: he wants me to spend the night at his house all of the time. When I'm there I cook, I clean, I do the dishes every night, I do our laundry together, I make him lunch for work. Right now, I'm not working because I'm unemployed and I'm in school, so I have the time to do these things, but on the other hand I feel like I'm being taken for granted because he knows I will always be there for him.
He always sends me texts throughout his workday saying "love you" "miss you" but when it came down to actually spending his day off with me, he goes and "rides" instead. Granted all we were going to do was running errands, but still it shouldn't have mattered what we were doing, he said he wanted to spend his day off with me.
Granted when we were arguing about it, I said, "There are plenty of people who would like to spend time with me just to spend time with me and that don't need "legitimate" reasons to do so." After he said he was sorry, I said, "well you have done this to me before, and I want you to take note of what happened tonight because if it ever happens again I'm done".
I was upset and I don't want things to be done, but I really do feel like second best with him sometimes and it's more hurtful than anything.
I was thinking that maybe I should start staying at my place more often and not do all of the aforementioned when I do visit him at his house. Just go to visit him, not be the "maid" or "mother".
I feel upset that I need to pull back to have him understand how he is taking me for granted. I don't feel like I should have to do that in a relationship.
What would you do in my position, now that him and I have already talked about it?
I just need advice from people who have been there. I'm sure married people have experienced this so any insight would be helpful.
Don't give me "break up" advice.
- Asked by Female, 29-35