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He wants a baby before marriage i want marriage before baby what to do?
Sex & Intimacy / 11:53 PM - Tuesday June 22, 2010

he wants a baby before marriage i want marriage before baby what to do?

so my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and we started having a conversation about what we want for our future. We both thought 25 was a good age to want to have a baby. What we didn't agree on was to marry or not to marry. He believes that we don't have to be married ; which i find ridiculous. My question is "why take that step to have a baby and not want to marry the mother if you love them both so much?' His first reason was; he doesn't want to be tied down at that age maybe later in our 30s we can get married. Then i said "technically you are tied down you have a baby and i would be living with you; WHY NOT MARRY WHEN YOUR PRACTICALLY LIVING OUT THE ROLES?". That he got angry and said it was because i don't trust him, by marrying him i'm trying to lock him in i guess. We would be living together, raising a child but just not married. My side of the story is I live with my adoring grandparents and have never known my real mother. I promised myself that my child would a have a stable environment to grow up in. Most of my family members (cousins and uncles and aunts) were mostly raised by one parent (mostly women) due to the men leaving or having alcohol problems. So for me i want to get away from this curse that seems to follow the women in my family. Another thing is I am catholic. I believe a child should not be born out of wedlock (like i was). My bf's argument was that even if we did get married he could do the same thing all those men did to my female family members;he could become an alcoholic, he could cheat he could walk away the only difference is he has a wedding ring on his finger, which i agree with:nothing is going to stop him from walking out the door even if we were to marry. But to me its about morals to him it seems he doesn't want to lose his young adulthood. But you want to have a baby and not lose your party all night young adulthood? sounds stupid to me. I feel if he's ready to have a baby with me he's read to marry but obviously he doesn't think the same way. So what do you think fellow Answerologist do you think it doesn't matter if you have a piece of paper and a ring? Or should i follow the way i was brought up and kick him to the curve before this relationship can even reach that point?

- Asked by Female, 22-25

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Please reconsider the relationship.

He wants you to make the committment of having his children, cleaning his house, washing his shorts and meeting his needs but doesn't want to be legally bound to you in any manner. This is a completely one-sided relationship and guess who benefits from it? Furthermore, he is in no way shape or form ready for marriage and needs to sow his wild oats before he even considers a serious relationship. You can't simply play house with a girlfriend and still hang out with your friends at the clubs (doing god knows what) because you're not going to be ready to commit until your 30's.

Sounds to me like he just wants to string you along until he's ready to become a family man and you're not expected to want anything in return.

- Response by houseworkmakesyaugly, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45

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Community Rating: Community Star

I don't think your expectations of marriage & then baby are unreasonable. I can tell you it is really hard to try planning a wedding after baby comes. It's way too easy to keep putting it off by that point as other financial obligations due to caring for your child trumps spending money on a wedding. If he's the one you want to be with, wait to have kids until after you marry even if it means waiting till 30+. Otherwise find someone else who shares the same moral values you do.If he isn't mature enough to marry, he's definitely not mature enough to be planning a family. It would be different if it were an accidental pregnancy, but here he is planning on trying to tie you down without having to be tied down himself. You should stick to your goals & desires, he's being selfish expecting you to bend on this after everything you've been through. Don't settle for less than what you want. You have plenty of time to have children & find the proper Father figure/ family man for your children you desire.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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This is your life.
You get to chose what it is that you want.
If you would like marriage and then start a family I am sure a lot of other guys would like the same.
If someone can not commit to me I really do not want to have children with them. I would wonder what kind of commitment that he could make to them.

- Response by morningdust, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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The woman is ALWAYS in control of whether or not she is married before she has a baby. It is up to you what your expectations are and what you are willing to accept from him. He has told you how he feels and his feelings will not change.

He is perfectly willing for YOU to have HIS baby without him commiting to YOU.

Now the only question is: Are you willing to have a man's baby that doesn't even think enough of you, to marry you first?

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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Be smart! YOU ARE RIGHT on this one.
get married BEFORE you have a baby!
It is right in God's eyes, HE can't leave you as a single parent, it takes TWO to raise a child.

What in the hell could his reasons BE??
After that baby, ALL THE MONEY goes toward raising a kid! You'll have NO MONEY for a wedding!!!

You promised yourself that the child would have a stable environment to grow up in.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS, as they say. YOU ARE RIGHT. He is wrong.

Please don't have a bastard child out of wedlock!
If a man proposed that to me, i'd say exactly that. "YOU WANT your kid to be called a bastard, out of wedlock?? Fuck you!!!"

There are still people who REALLY REALLY look down upon it. society expectations and all..

Something is wrong with him Mentally. He may have ulterior motives or SCARED of commitment and really secretly NEVER wants to marry?

something doesn't sound right here.
He's doing it all backward from how it SUPPOSED TO BE, naturally.

MAYBE find you a different guy alltogether, if he's going to keep having these crazy ideas...

I'm not even a highly moral person, but I have THIS MUCH SENSE!!!!!

People would call the baby a BASTARD behind your backs!!!
DO NOT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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If you want to know the truth about why your boyfriend wants to have the baby BEFORE you get married, this is why:

http://dontmarry.wordpr -mansfields-rule/

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 26-28, Student

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