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Why does my boyfriend refuse to tell me he loves me? :(
Dating / 3:47 AM - Sunday June 20, 2010

Why does my boyfriend refuse to tell me he loves me? :(

I've been with the same guy for a year and a half. He says I'm amazing and the only girl he ever wants to be with but he refuses to tell me he loves me. He even tells me he doesnt. He says that when hes ready, I'll know. He refuses to make any sort of future plans with me. We don't live together, dont pay bills together. Nothing. Whats going on here? Am i waisting my time?

- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35

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I find it funny how most people on here ASSUME they know the right answer. All I'm gonna tell you is what I may THINK his problem is. But first, WHY on earth would you ever say the "L" word first? I think, in my opinion, the girl should never say it first. I have always waited for the guy to let me know how HE feels first...again just my opinion. But the way I see it is he either...
A.) Doesn't feel the same towards you,
B.) He's afraid to tell you how he feels about you, OR
C.) He doesn't feel the need to TELL you, but yet he SHOWS you..

So my question to you is, does his actions speak for his feelings at all? Do you FEEL as though he loves you? Does he do things for you SHOWING his affection towards you? Has he been hurt in the past to make it hard for him to tell a woman how he feels? I mean I can understand some men would rather SHOW you how they feel about you rather than tell you. Because let's face it, ANYBODY can tell you they love you till their blue in the face but never show it. But honestly, wouldn't you rather someone SHOW you rather than just tell you?

I always say and I believe in the saying, "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS" and they REALLY do...almost every guy I have been with have told me they loved me first, but for the most part ..they never showed it really. I mean they were affectionate but how can someone "love" you if they'll cheat, lie, or disrespect you or have that "change of heart" all of a sudden? Just my .02 cents...hope I have been a help to you...

- Response by shancook07, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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He is playing games with you. From now on don't say the love word to him. Be a bit cold towards him. When he asks what's wrong, say, "Nothings Wrong". Give it a month, if he doesn't crack tell him to piss off, you don't want to play his silly childish games, If he goes you are better off without him if he stays he will say the words you want to hear..

Best of luck..And have a great day

- Response by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired

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Community Rating: Community Star

After reading most peoples response to your question it really annoyed me, WTF do they know about your relationship besides what you've told us? They don't know how he feels about you so don't let their responses get you down. Although they may be looking out for you I think it's rude for people to say "it's because he doesn't love you, HELLO!?" oh and there's one more thing I wanted to mention to you...when I was growing up my mother barely ever said I love you to me so like I was never a person to say those words either, it was always hard for me. My mother never expressed her love for me so it was always hard for me to express to ppl how I feel or tell ppl how I feel about them. So I think that MAY be another reason ...just my opinion. But don't let those other people get you down by their ASSUMPTIONS or what they THINK they MIGHT know, I can't stand when people think they know everything.

- Response by shancook07, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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Your indication something is wrong is that after a year and a half he doesn't pay your bills? I wouldn't make future plans with a woman like that either.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Yeah,I'd drop him. No real man would do that to his girl.

- Response by adward, A Jock, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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Hard to tell exactly what is going on without directly asking your bf, but often times when a man is not professing love or making future plans he is just not ready. Many women decide to move forward and find someone who is ready versus waiting endlessly for someone to get ready who may never become ready.

It will be up to you to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to be ready. Setting a time frame you can live with will help you give him a fair chance and make sure you are not taken advantage of!

Good luck!

- Response by lasirenamorena, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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Are you pressuring him to say it? That will stall him forever. Guys don't like to be pressured.

- Response by hnimsoc, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Celebrity

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You are wasting your time, BIG TIME !!

A man (not a boy) doesn't play games like this.
A man won't say he "loves" you if he does not, and won't waste your time if he does not.

A man knows within a year if he loves a woman, if he does not, he'll be honest with her and let her go.

You are not with a man but a boy, and he's playing you.

Leave him cold. You'll be the better for it.
You won't be able to find a man if you stick with a boy, and you'll only develop bad habits or worse.

- Response by tooluser, A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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While I agree that a year and a half is a long time for someone to claim to want to be with you but not love you, I am not going to say you are wasting your time. I feel like maybe he has a different opinion about what love is. For example maybe he feels that being in love with someone is has more "fireworks" and "chemistry" than what he feels with you. But he still cares for you. I guess what you have to decide is, 1. how long are you willing to wait around until he either develops the feelings he thinks he needs, or is willing to say what you want to hear. That's another thing, even if you make him say "I love you" it wont mean anything unless he actually does. My suggestion to you is be straight forward. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't like that he said he want to be with you but doesn't make any future plans, and you are concerned because he said he doesn't "love you". Ask him what he means by that. What is love to him. Maybe you will come to find that what he expects out of a relationship is different than you. Let's be honest. If you can't be completely open to him about how you are feeling without and cold shoulders and games, I don't think you should be with him anyways. The person you are with should be the first person you think of when you need someone to talk to, and in my opinion, should be the one you tell all of your trouble too, even if it means exposing your vulnerable feels to him. I feel like the only way you are going to know what it is he is feeling is if you are completely frank. Don't get angry or defensive, just have a grown up conversation. You probably can tell when he is lying, so don't just listen for him to say what you want to hear. Listen to what he is saying. If you feel like he is playing you, or trying to back out gracefully...either end the relationship, or let him back out. Ultimately it is up to you, and your choices on how you want to be treated. If you are happy with loving him, even though he might not feel the same way, even if he likes you a lot, then fine, if not. Change. Don't be a door mat, but do what makes you happy. That's my advice.

- Response by timidwanton, A Creative, Female, 22-25

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its because he doesnt love you and you forcing him to say or do any of things doesnt mean he wants to but is just telling you what you want to guys seem to be on 2 different levels in your relationship.

- Response by unbreakablesilence, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Student

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You asked what we thought. So, why are you giving people bad ratings for their honest opinions?

- Response by elizabethmom05, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Retail

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Sorry, but he just doesn't appear to feel that for you yet.

You're only wasting your time if you don't care to wait to see if he decides he loves you.

If that's really important at this point, then you probably do have to realize he just isn't the guy for you.

You can't force someone to say they love you .. he just isn't ready yet.

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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i think he is somewhere scared by taking this relationship at peak level...know wat his and his family conditions are..don't force wat he is comfortable something he is having some kind of past from which he is being disturbed...first check out the reasons then only u will come to know, not more but Lil bit definitely..
hope u are satisfied...

- Response by brahmanhorse29, A Career Man, Male, 26-28, New Delhi

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I think it sounds like it is time for you to move on. Why are you even still with him? When a man tells you that he doesn't love you, believe him! If he is not making future plans with you, it is because he doesn't see a future with you in it! Please stop wasting your time with him and move on. You can do much better.

- Response by iamboo2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Charlotte, Therapist

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he doesnt tell u he loves u BECAUSE HE DOESNT LOVE aint rocket science and at least he isnt lying to fact he has actively told u he doesnt love u and u are still sticking around ergo he can treat u like a commodity so when he eventually meets someone he does love he will ditch u like yesterdays newspaper.....get some dignity & get out of there

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

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You can't force someone to say it. I only say it if I really mean it at the moment. I don't like the "I love you" and you must reply "I Love you too". It's like fishing for compliments. I think he'll say it when he's ready, or you'll both decide to end the relationship. The words aren't what matters..and it seems like he isn't giving you enough at the moment.

- Response by xyplusxy, A Father Figure, Male, 22-25, Cleveland, Medical / Dental

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sorry,but I think you might be wasting your time,a year and a half is plenty of time to start feeling love for someone.I think he's scared of committing.

- Response by le_gem735713, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Miami, Who Cares?

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- Response by istaywired, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Political / Government

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You can't force someone to love you. You might want to think about taking a break from your relationship.

- Response by elizabethmom05, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Retail

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