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Should I stay or leave this relationship if my boyfriend does not want to get married?
Dating / 1:22 PM - Monday June 07, 2010

Should I stay or leave this relationship if my boyfriend does not want to get married?

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. I'm 28 with a professional career (MA degree, financially stable etc.) and he is 31 with a great job and several businesses on the side. We do well together and compliment one another. I moved into one of his rental units about 4 months ago thinking he would propose within the next year or so. Well recently he stated he feels like I'm pressuring and rushing him to have kids and get married. He stated we had only been dating for a year and he did not want to rush anything right now. He says to me, he knows I want to have kids and a family but it takes time for that commitment. I am very confused. I don't want to wait around for a man that is unsure if he ever wants to get married.

My boyfriend also has a son who is 8. Because of this he spends a lot of his free time with his ex's family. Christmas, birthdays, holidays, etc. My boyfriend also shares his home with his sister (24 and no job). I need to know if staying in the relationship is worth it. I having been threaning to move out by August if things do not change.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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one year is NOT a lot of time to date someone. I can understand why he's not ready.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Only a year and you're behaving like this?

Your boyfriend is wise for hesitating. It's amazing that people can be book-smart and yet have no rationality what so ever when it comes to relationships.

At one year the honeymoon phase is still in progress. You really do not understand the gravity of a LIFETIME commitment. You don't really know each other yet. With very few exceptions, a three year minimum courtship, with one year of that spent living together, is vital to a successful marriage.

Something tells me you'll ditch this guy and start the exact same process over again...or find a guy who is either desperate or an emotional cripple that will run down the aisle without a moment's hesitation.

How are you 28 and still have no idea how mature relationships work?

- Response by vabyss, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Sounds like you are dating a smart man who isn't going to give in to your every demand. You should leave now because I doubt you can trick him into marrying you within the next couple of years. It sounds like he knows to watch out for women who are looking for "marriage" more than a life partner.

- Response by chal08, A Rebel, Male, 29-35

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You should just move on, he takes it slow and won't be ready for a long time. Threatening and pressuring will only drive him away, so just move out and move on, if you want to.

- Response by wandatrick91, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?

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I think 1 1/2 years is a good time to give a relationship prior to marriage, but think a year is feasible also.

In your place I would get my own place so there are no strings/bad feelings.

I would also let him know he is right, you are looking for marriage and eventual children. He already has a child and also has a commitment to his sister.

In your place, I would tell him in a non-threatening, loving way that he is the man you want to spend your life with, but it looks like the timing is off for the two of you.

I would break things off so that you can find someone who is looking for the same thing you are. But be caring about it, and if he misses you a lot, and is able to do so, he may come back. In the interim, when you are ready, start dating other people, do things with friends and family.

So, to reiterate, you are ready for marriage and kids in the near future; he is not. So, don't pressure, rush him, just break up in a caring way, and open yourself up (in time) to others who are looking for what you are. Timing is important!

- Response by lasuz, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Medical / Dental

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Are you sure that marriage is as important to him as it to you? My last relationship (of over two years) ended because I wanted to get married, and he didn't. Also, are you sure he is the one you really want to spend the rest of your life with? To help you answer this question, I highly suggest reading "Is He Mr. Right?" by Mira Kirshenbaum. If you find that yes, he is a "Mr. Right," but you're still not sure if you're willing to invest more time with him, read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. She really helps clarify the issues by taking a diagnostic approach, rather than a "balance sheet" approach.

Best wishes and good luck!

- Response by carinabay, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

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looking at the way you scored a lot of these well thought out, honest responses proves you are in NO condition to marry anyone.

please, for your own good, grow up a bit.

- Response by isotope, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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I find it very interesting that no where in your question did you mention the word "love." If you love him, then waiting for him to be ready will not be an issue for you and I have to wonder if you truly do love him when you say things like "I don't want to wait around for a man..." and "I have been threatning to move out by August if things do not change." Honestly, that doesn't sound like unconditional love.

That being said, how can you say you haven't been pressuring and rushing him when you told him you would move out by a fast approaching deadline? If that's not pushy, then I don't know what is...

I'm not sure what his sister has to do with anything here...and as far as spending time with the ex's family on important occasions such as holidays and birthdays; what's wrong with wanting his son to know and have a relationship with his mother's family? It's no different than any other split family.

- Response by lexibasketball07, An Engaged Girl, Female, 22-25, Denver

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Well, one year is not enough to know somebody. Been dating my man for almost 5 years and I speak from experience. Besides, why are you so desperate to get married if you're happy with him? Marriage originated as a contract that offered most often than not economical and/ or political security . If you can stand on your own two feet why would you rush into a binding and often limiting contract?

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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M O V E O N... Looks like you found a smart one! Go get a dummie who wants to get married and have kids, only to be trapped later by an ex-wife and a hellish demizing life of grief

- Response by A Rebel, Male, 46-55

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If you are unhappy, you should leave.
You can't change him, you are wrong even to try - he is who he is, and you either accept that or move on.

Now, as for his not wanting to marry you yet...

I usually say that a man knows within a year if he wants to marry a girl. But in his situation, with his other family responsibilities, a year is a bit soon. But 2 years should be enough.

If you are together 2 years and he has made no noises about marriage, then you have wasted your time. 2 years, no more, and for him, probably no less.

pax


- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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Why don't you listen to his concerns instead of only caring about yourself.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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I usually find my answers from the information near the end of their story. In your case, your boyfriend has children and doesn't "empathize" with you on your need for commitment and building a family. In my humbled opinion, I would end this relationship. A man in love would move mountains to keep the woman that he wants. Is he moving mountains for you?

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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I agree with what some people said, you should move on if this is what you want and he doesn't. It is not a bad thing that you want what you want. Don't listen to those folks that tell you that you should wait it out for five years, most likely, those people are not married or do not want to be. Usually, people know what they want to do in a short time span, that doesn't mean that you guys will get married next week, but to atleast have the conversation to determine the goal of the relationship.

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Other Profession

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'I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year."

And you want to get married?

Hell no.

You shouldn't get married until the fifth year. Unless divorce is your plan.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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I wouldn't threaten; I'd just make "other plans" and one day he can just paint you "gone." He made it plain to you he's "not ready," he has a sister he is supporting and children from another marriage. It's not DEVASTATING, but I think he is quietly trying to slither out of your relationship - at least to the point that you'll stick with him even if he has no plans to marry you.

So, you have two options here: Either STAY and hope for the best, or venture forth into the world of singles, get out from under him and meet new people.

The situation with the sister is likely to remain the same unless she's between jobs or marriages and is planning to "move on" at some point. The way you presented the picture, she'll be living with him forever. So, I'm questioning that part, but it's obvious to me he is in no hurry to marry you or for that matter, anyone else.

He also has children from another marriage which never stopped a re-marriage before when two people are truly committed to each other.

Think it over. You're young and time is on your side; however, once you hit 30 years of age, I wouldn't wait any longer. I don't see any real solid interest there and I think he's trying to send you the message there will never be anything but what you have now. In other words, he's yanking your chain.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Why do you feel the need to get married? If things are good and you love each other theres no time limit on when to get married. Are you happy,is this the only thing not making you happy? You decide.
Truthfully marriage is a vow of commitment but it doesn't mean the "commitment" will be honored.
A year really isn't long,and if a man feels pressured,he will tend to back away. Let things run there course,if you're in love and happy eventually everything will come together.



- Response by flor71, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Seattle, Who Cares?

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Almost no one responds well to an ultimatum. You are two very driven, focused, responsible and goal oriented people. This is probably the crux of your immediate problem. You are not on the same page about marriage right now. Consider whether or not getting married in a certain time period is more important to you than what guy you marry.

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Retired

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Pick up a copy of the book "Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons," by Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

You'll have all the answers to your questions after you read the book.

Good luck to you.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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