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My Wife Had Sex With Another Woman. What Now?
Sex & Intimacy / 4:22 PM - Thursday June 03, 2010

My Wife Had Sex With Another Woman. What Now?

My wife and I have had a fantasy (for years) of her having sex with another lady. Honestly, it's pretty much just remained a fantasy and we've never "really" acted on it. We've been to strip clubs and she's gotten lap dances. We also enjoy girl-girl videos and have found that our fantasy life has been really fun as a result. She is my absolute best friend in the world, even after 20 years of marriage.

Anyway, In our fantasies and flirty-teasing discussions, we've always said things like... "wow, wouldn't it be great if..." or "omg.. what if whats-her-name wanted to have sex with you" and things like that. During our lovemaking and during her masturbation sessions, we have talked about such things. We also talk about many other things, but I'm just pointing out that we've talked about her being with another woman many times.

I've always told her things like, "wow. If you ever get the chance to be with your hot friend, you should go for it!" And honestly, I've always meant that. My wife and I are extremely close, have children, a home and a life that is as good as any other I've ever seen.

I'm really not the jealous type. Really I'm not.

Well, recently, an old college roommate friend of my wife's contacted her after 20 years (thanks to facebook). Then, this past weekend, she just happened to be in our city and she asked if she could stay overnight. I was away on business and while I was gone, my wife and her friend ended up having (what sounds like truly, amazing) sex. Don't get me wrong. Most of me was like, "woo hoo. good for you. How fun. I'm glad it was a positive experience." To be honest, the woman is an absolute FOX to the nth degree, and I was long-distancing a big high-five to my wife for having such a great personal experience.

But sadly, four days later, another part of me is feeling twinges of insecurity and confusion. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I wasn't with her when she had her big moment. Our fantasies and playfulness have always been "our" fun time, and somehow I feel a sense of loss. I know it's crazy, and I certainly don't feel as though my wife "cheated" on me. At all.

But maybe I'm thinking this type of behavior isn't good for us.

I'm sure if my wife knew how I feel, she would be totally understanding and do whatever it took to make sure we were both comfortable. We have just that kind of marriage (thank god).

For those of you who have traveled this road, do you think that my feelings of insecurity will pass? I'm not even sure I want her talking to her new-found, old friend any more.

Update: June 03, 2010.
Just to respond to the presumptions of some: I know that the lady was in town because her sister had a premature baby and was at the children's hospital for a few days and I am certain this this was not pre-arranged. Additionally, there's no way that I'm going to resort to revenge, when I'm really not angry in the first place. Lastly, there's not a doubt in my mind that my wife will do whatever I ask regarding this situation. ---------- william45 wrote -------- For one thing she just didn't happen to be in town. They prearanged it. Two, they arraganed it so you would be out of town. Three they are not going to call it off anytime soon so you might as well find yourself a girlfriend like she has and just have some fun or at least someone to talk to because your wife is going to be really busy for awhile. You might just want to divorce her and just move on and save yourself a lot of trouble. --- bluetarnation's Original Question --- My wife and I have had a fantasy (for years) of her having sex with another lady. Honestly, it's pretty much just remained a fantasy and we've never "really" acted on it. We've been to strip clubs and she's gotten lap dances. We also enjoy girl-girl videos and have found that our fantasy life has been really fun as a result. She is my absolute best friend in the world, even after 20 years of marriage. Anyway, In our fantasies and flirty-teasing discussions, we've always said things like... "wow, wouldn't it be great if..." or "omg.. what if whats-her-name wanted to have sex with you" and things like that. During our lovemaking and during her masturbation sessions, we have talked about such things. We also talk about many other things, but I'm just pointing out that we've talked about her being with another woman many times. I've always told her things like, "wow. If you ever get the chance to be with your hot friend, you should go for it!" And honestly, I've always meant that. My wife and I are extremely close, have children, a home and a life that is as good as any other I've ever seen. I'm really not the jealous type. Really I'm not. Well, recently, an old college roommate friend of my wife's contacted her after 20 years (thanks to facebook). Then, this past weekend, she just happened to be in our city and she asked if she could stay overnight. I was away on business and while I was gone, my wife and her friend ended up having (what sounds like truly, amazing) sex. Don't get me wrong. Most of me was like, "woo hoo. good for you. How fun. I'm glad it was a positive experience." To be honest, the woman is an absolute FOX to the nth degree, and I was long-distancing a big high-five to my wife for having such a great personal experience. But sadly, four days later, another part of me is feeling twinges of insecurity and confusion. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I wasn't with her when she had her big moment. Our fantasies and playfulness have always been "our" fun time, and somehow I feel a sense of loss. I know it's crazy, and I certainly don't feel as though my wife "cheated" on me. At all. But maybe I'm thinking this type of behavior isn't good for us. I'm sure if my wife knew how I feel, she would be totally understanding and do whatever it took to make sure we were both comfortable. We have just that kind of marriage (thank god). For those of you who have traveled this road, do you think that my feelings of insecurity will pass? I'm not even sure I want her talking to her new-found, old friend any more.

- Asked by bluetarnation, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45

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While it might be nice to fantasize about these things (my first wife was bisexual) - I made it clear I did not share. Nor at any time, would she - since she made that commitment to me.

I'm sure there were probably alot of women that turned her eye.

As for your wife, it was her misstep - not yours (unless you gave her permission to fool around while you weren't home). It is your wife that needs your forgiveness before this issue tear both of you apart (yes - It can and will). Address this matter with her tonight - including how you initially felt, how you feel now and rather she misunderstood that fantasizing didn't give her permission.

- Response by lomer, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Halifax, Science / Engineering

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Sexual relations with ANY person other than your spouse is infidelity...it just took four days to sink in.

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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Sounds like you're having a pitty party cause you were left out of the situation.
Seriously you need to talk to her about your feelings and air what is in your thoughts to resolve the issue before these feelings become any worse.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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For one thing she just didn't happen to be in town. They prearanged it. Two, they arraganed it so you would be out of town. Three they are not going to call it off anytime soon so you might as well find yourself a girlfriend like she has and just have some fun or at least someone to talk to because your wife is going to be really busy for awhile. You might just want to divorce her and just move on and save yourself a lot of trouble.

- Response by william45, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Teaching

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Discuss the situation with your wife. Communication is key in a relationship. Tell her how you feel about it & that it seemed more fun when you talked about it but now that it has actually happened you feel a little insecure. I'm sure she'll understand, it seems you two have a really good marriage. Good Luck!!! =)

- Response by thatgirl86, A Married Girl, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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Years ago, I dated a bi-sexual girl. I watched her have sex with many girls, sometimes I joined in. I always felt she had sex with other girls without my knowledge too.
It never bothered me, but what bothers you is the fact you are now SHARING your wife with another person, and she is sharing her intimacy.
What if she had fucked another guy, really hot and steamy, oral and all, how would you feel about that?
Bottom line; if it is going to bother you, then both of you STOP the fantasies if you can, you both might have opened the Pandora's box.

- Response by hearmenow, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Other Profession

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My husband and I swing sometimes. Our rule is that we both are always present. We don't play alone. Maybe you should talk to your wife about not doing anything without you. Its not good for either of you to leave the other out. There's too much of a chance of feeling insecure and mistrusting. Be glad she told you. Tell her you appreciate her honesty but if there is ever a next time, you want to be there

- Response by dahlia22, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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I think your anxieties are justified. Basically, you want to know if you are going to lose your wife to this woman and the lesbian life. You probably should just talk to your wife about this. If she says no, then a second question might be whether your wife enjoys sex with her women friends more than having sex with you. Questions like that.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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Sadly It's all changed now... You & She SHARED the fantasies.
She finally acted it out, but... when you were NOT THERE...

- Response by fehkarfight, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Relax...dont make a big deal about it...and next time you may get to play along

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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just tell her it is nice to share

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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You feel excluded from your (wife and your) fantasy. Keep in mind that she took the first step, what you need to do now is encourage her through your shared fantasy to repeat this action but this time with you present.

Becareful of patterns. My wife had a woman that she would see every so often, when she got married my wife felt obligated to go to her place so her husband could watch them like I watched them. It wasn't planned or intentional but things happened and she had sex with her husband. It changed her relationship with her friend and our relationship. Subsequently there was a young girl that enjoyed having my wife and me both join in, then there was a weekend when her boyfriend (eventual husband) was there.

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Whats the problem? dude relax...its just another chick, its another woman - she doesn't have a dick! Do you not know that women to women sex is more emotional? its a different experience, I see nothing wrong...all you cry babies! How would you like it if its another man then...be grateful its a female and not a male! There is a young girl attracted to my wife - she is about 27 and my wife is 38 and she really wants my wife and doesn't want me around to watch..cause she's shy - should i freak out over a 27 year old girl when i'm a 39 year old male? I like them together, sometimes i see her suckling my wifes tits and she then covers up the covers...I let them have their fun, at the end of the day my wife is home with me and the girl comes around time to time! So what? Grow some balls! You should be glad! and think its only a girl and not a MAN THAT CAN GET HER KNOCKED UP! have you ever seen to women go at it...its the most sweetest thing, no man can give another girl soft skin, tender kisses etc... Girls will be girls! Leave it alone and just be happy. Its just a woman around - its okay nothing wrong with girls fooling around.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Toronto

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Whats the problem? dude relax...its just another chick, its another woman - she doesn't have a dick! Do you not know that women to women sex is more emotional? its a different experience, I see nothing wrong...all you cry babies! How would you like it if its another man then...be grateful its a female and not a male! There is a young girl attracted to my wife - she is about 27 and my wife is 38 and she really wants my wife and doesn't want me around to watch..cause she's shy - should i freak out over a 27 year old girl when i'm a 39 year old male? I like them together, sometimes i see her suckling my wifes tits and she then covers up the covers...I let them have their fun, at the end of the day my wife is home with me and the girl comes around time to time! So what? Grow some balls! You should be glad! and think its only a girl and not a MAN THAT CAN GET HER KNOCKED UP! have you ever seen to women go at it...its the most sweetest thing, no man can give another girl soft skin, tender kisses etc... Girls will be girls! Leave it alone and just be happy. Its just a woman around - its okay nothing wrong with girls fooling around.

- Response by 123456ytrew, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Toronto

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Whats the problem? dude relax...its just another chick, its another woman - she doesn't have a dick! Do you not know that women to women sex is more emotional? its a different experience, I see nothing wrong...all you cry babies! How would you like it if its another man then...be grateful its a female and not a male! There is a young girl attracted to my wife - she is about 27 and my wife is 38 and she really wants my wife and doesn't want me around to watch..cause she's shy - should i freak out over a 27 year old girl when i'm a 39 year old male? I like them together, sometimes i see her suckling my wifes tits and she then covers up the covers...I let them have their fun, at the end of the day my wife is home with me and the girl comes around time to time! So what? Grow some balls! You should be glad! and think its only a girl and not a MAN THAT CAN GET HER KNOCKED UP! have you ever seen to women go at it...its the most sweetest thing, no man can give another girl soft skin, tender kisses etc... Girls will be girls! Leave it alone and just be happy. Its just a woman around - its okay nothing wrong with girls fooling around.

- Response by 123456ytrew, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Toronto

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I did this same thing with my EX-Wife, notice the EX. It was our fantasy to bring another woman int our bed, we ended up doing it, and it was ONE of the things that ended up destroying or marriage. I later found out that she had been with her best friend, while I was asleep in the next room, that one really hurt. But, like you, and the douche bag above, I figured " well, its just a chick!" I found out after our marriage(five years later) was dissolved that she cheated on me a lot with both men women and men. Which begs the question, has your wife been with other people besides this one woman? It sounds like you do have a pretty good relationship with your wife, and since she came out and told you, then she sounds like she is honest with you, I'm just saying....you might want to ask her about her true feelings when it comes to other women. From what you said, the fantasy was about you both being involved, well, you were not involved. Maybe she was testing the waters to make sure she would be comfortable with the experience, or maybe she thought you might be more attracted to her super hot friend than her, and believe me, when you open this door, it cannot be shut, what's done is done. So, I would really consider this before you pursued doing anything. If the fantasies kept you guys going this long, why not just leave it a fantasy. But, if both of you are just plain bored with one another and you don't think it will ruin your marriage, talk, talk, talk, then talk some more about it, before you do it. Good luck, and remember you married your wife, not a pocket pussy.

- Response by ubermensch300, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45

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Stop worrying. She had a fantasy and fulfilled it. Tell her you're so proud of her. Maybe tell that you wish you could have been there. She will most likely agree. She didn't really cheat on you...it was a shared fantasy. The chance occurred when it did. You wouldn't really want her to pass up such a chance, would you? You don't really believe that she'd long to be with her instead of you, do you? Be secure. Let her have fun. She loves you and will appreciate that you care enough for her to see her happy.

- Response by bobbytl, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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Stop worrying. She had a fantasy and fulfilled it. Tell her you're so proud of her. Maybe tell that you wish you could have been there. She will most likely agree. She didn't really cheat on you...it was a shared fantasy. The chance occurred when it did. You wouldn't really want her to pass up such a chance, would you? You don't really believe that she'd long to be with her instead of you, do you? Be secure. Let her have fun. She loves you and will appreciate that you care enough for her to see her happy.

- Response by bobbytl, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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Cheating is cheating.

Doesn't matter if it's with another man or another woman.

I hope your marriage survives this. Most don't.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Seriously, why get married?
...see what happens when you luRk outside your marriage.
O_o

- Response by pinknblu, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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