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Do you think he will ever change his mind about marriage?
Dating / 3:16 PM - Tuesday June 01, 2010

Do you think he will ever change his mind about marriage?

We have been together for 2 years and have a great relationship. My son has become very attached as if he was his own father. Problem is I want to make it legal. We share everything now as if we are married but the paper and the name. I am worried that soon my baby will be gone to college and my daughter who is in her 20's is not responsible enough to make life decisions about me. I want the security of knowing that whatever happens my b/f can make decisions on mybehalf as well as a part of me hates living in sin. I believe in marriage and I have told my b/f this. He said he is not ready to get married. He feels marriage ruins a relationship since he was married for a short time before. I think if you find the right person it shouldnt change a thing. So now I am faced with the question, should I continue on with this relationship in hopes he will change his mind so I dont lose a great guy, or should I give him an ultimatium knowing it could end the relationship and I could lose a terrific guy because he wont marry me. I just feel sick when I think about aging and my health. I dont have any other family to make those decisions. And I am tired of introducing him as my b/f to others because he is much more then that to me.

Update: June 04, 2010.
Wow many of you are the ones who really has no idea. First of all he is a true man in every way! We are not together for sex believe me. Neither one of us really cares about sex. As far as being scared, well the only thing I am scared of is letting go of a good man. I have been with losers who either treat my kids bad, dont work a good job and is either a drunk or druggie of which he is not any of those things. He does everything possible for me and always makes sure I am happy. I am very secure with myself and my looks and would not have a problem getting another guy! I just dont want another guy because looks and money are not everything and I have dated many men with worse issues then getting married. So what if he is a little scared of getting married because he doesnt want to go thru another divorce. It devistated him and ruined him before and I can understand that since I am too divorced. As far as planing my kids future, you are wrong there again. My son is almost 17 and has his own future planned out so he is not even in the math! He will be living his own life soon and off to college. You say a good man is someone who meets my expectations, well let me tell you no person in the world is perfect and no man will ever meet a womens expectations 100%! Thats just how it is, so if I have to choose between a piece of paper or finding a guy who will marry me but lacks all the other qualities this man already gives me, then its easy, I will stay with my current guy. He is far from week, and we are equals in every way. By the way, we have decided to be domestic partners for now, which in every way is being married. Look at all the Gays and Lesbians who cannot marry but consider themselves domestic partners. We just found out we do not need a marriage license for security. See I can add him to my health and dental insurance and he can add me to his, we share joint bank accounts, joint bills at home and we have joint property together. We also can do up our wills to name each other as power of attorney and decide who will execute our wishes. SO seems to me thats what marriage is except for taking a vow infront of God. And even then we can do that without a piece of paper. Do you think that back in Adam and Eve or Mary and Joseph days they signed a piece of paper to say they were married? I dont know if they did, but I am okay for now with the way things are. And yes once he sees I am not going anywhere or out to burn him and nothing is changeing by having joint things then yes I hope he does change his mind and if he doesnt then I will decide in 2 yrs if marriage is still important to me at that time. So he is far from being a loser! Thanks for your reply!

Update: June 02, 2010.
First thank you for the responses. Just so you know we are not together for a booty call! Actually sex is not even an issue in our relationship. We both could take it or leave it. We are together because we want to be. He is a good man in everyway except he is afraid of marriage after being burned. So we did talk about it and for now I am just going to wait and see. I have made up my mind though that by 2012 when my baby graduates if he has not decided by then, then I will be moving on. By then my youngest will be off to college. He is aware of what I want so we will see what happens.

- Asked by sh0114, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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If he thinks marriage ruins relationship and he talks about this because of his previous experience, I would reckon it will take time for him to reconsider doing it again, do not equate it that he does not love you enough, its just a traumatic experience it has brought his life. I have known a lot of people who did not get married until much later and they are really happy in their choice, as long as you and him understand each other I think marriage can be put aside until he changed his mind, be patient I think it will pay off sooner or later. Goodluck:)

- Response by asianlovely13, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, London, Managerial

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To answer your question . . . I doubt it.

Obviously, every individual is different and unique and will make their own decisions, but I was in a similar situation in my last relationship. I wanted to get married . . . it was very important to me. And . . . he didn't. To sort of make his point, he relocated, basically leaving me. I had thought things might work out that he would return or that I could follow him. But, in the end, it was the end. It was a year ago today that it was "official." I still miss him; sometimes, desperately so. But, I know that it truly was for the best. And, I look forward to the day that I am with someone who loves me and is committed enough to me to want to marry me.

- Response by carinabay, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

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I personally think if your in a relationship and it is true love from the heart there should not be a question about marriage. marriage doesn't ruin a relationship, people do.If he is afraid of commitments then he should not expect you to do something you don't believe in. Scared is an excuse.what will he come up with next?Is he really a terrific guy or is he just wanting a free ride?search your heart and soul and make a decision that will give you a future. you should be able to make decisions fifty -fifty, it should not be just his decision."GOOD LUCK"

- Response by luvheloise, Female, 56-65

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I suppose he could change his mind, but I honestly don't think he will. It sounds as if he knows what he wants and marriage isn't it. I ask you this, why should he change his mind, he has all the benefits of being married already and there is NO reason why he should change his mind. You might really need to reconsider if he is the right guy for you. Since it doesn't appear that he is thinking marriage, can you continue living with him knowing that. I guess it really is up to you. He has NO reason to change anything. Good luck.

- Response by iamboo2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Charlotte, Therapist

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Hey, just pray on it, and seek GOD in your relationship. I know you love this man, and I'm pretty sure he love you too! otherwise he wouldn't have taken on the role as Father to your son, I understand marriage is a big concern to you, I wouldn't say he would never marry you, because I have a relative that being with her kids Father for over 10 years, and she finally decided to marry him, not saying you've wait that long, just giving you example that people in time, do change there mind.

- Response by confusewoman, A Creative, Female, 36-45

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Hey, just pray on it, and seek GOD in your relationship. I know you love this man, and I'm pretty sure he love you too! otherwise he wouldn't have taken on the role as Father to your son, I understand marriage is a big concern to you, I wouldn't say he would never marry you, because I have a relative that being with her kids Father for over 10 years, and she finally decided to marry him, not saying you've wait that long, just giving you example that people in time, do change there mind.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45

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You can't really change someone's mind about wanting to be married ... and you really don't want to. They have to make that decision on their own. If they feel pressured, they will just end up resenting you for it or you'll just push them away.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know what your expectations are in your relationship. If you two don't have the same goals -- you really need to make some decisions about how you want to proceed.

It sounds like he's happy the way things are with you two. You really need to decide if making things legal will "improve" things so much that you would chance losing him over it.



- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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He might change his mind someday in the future when he realizes that marriage actually won't change the relationship and that you love him regardless of a marriage certificate. Until he figures those things out for himself, nothing you can do or say will change his mind about marriage.

I think what scares men the most about marriage is women who want 'marriage' more than a life partner as evident by ultimatiums.

- Response by chal08, A Rebel, Male, 29-35

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