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Why did he ignore me?
Dating / 8:14 AM - Tuesday June 01, 2010

Why did he ignore me?

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. His dad passed away a little over a week ago. He invited me to go up to their summer place this weekend. And proceeded to ignore me. He was doing work~raking, picking stuff up, etc. At one point(I think he realized what he was doing), he asked if I wanted to take the canoe out~I said yes. That never happened. We are not talking an hour here.....more like 6 hours. I walked around the lake~alone. And when I told him that he abandoned me~he didn't get it. Doesn't get it. He says he loves me and cares about me...but I just don't get how to can treat someone the way he did me. Makes me wonder what game he's playing.
What gives?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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What game ???? His father just passed away.. he went up to a cabin he invited you to be there!
Did you stop to think that he just might thinking about his dad by keeping busy and wanting you around to keep him company..
Why didn't you help him and support him or show him to some light hearted fun to distract him what ever is going on within him .. he just lost his father for cry sake .. wow girl .. wake up life is not always about you.. sorry to be blunt. but you should have jumped around him instead of waiting for him to entertain you... that's selfish..Go an give him a hug I think he deserves one at this point..

- Response by marika62, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

He could have been really upset about his Dad's death.

He probably just needs some "space" to sort out his feelings.

Just let him know you're there if he needs an "ear" .. that's probably all you can do.



- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65

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I can only guess he was still internally upset over his dad's passing, still pondering thoughts, random memories coming to his mind every minute of every day.
Perhaps he should not have invited you to go along with him, but if he had not invited you, how upset and suspicious would you have been then?

- Response by andrewj5267, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Miami, Teaching

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I don't understand why you didn't help him clean up. Part of having a summer place is the cleanup so everyone has time to enjoy. I think you could have got closer raking and helping to pick up instead of walking alone on the beach. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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HELLO HIS DAD DIED, HE HAS OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND. GOD FORBID!

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Halifax, Who Cares?

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What gives? Are you really asking this? Hid father just died. Days ago. Can you see where I'm going?

I don't know him, but I have no trouble believing that your BF is grieving the loss of his father. People do this in diferent ways. Je's likely suffering from a profound loss unlike anything he's ever felt before. That's why he was uncommunicative, I'd guess.

- Response by mikehug, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Cleveland

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I believe he was internalizing his grief, i dunno why you think it is about you. It should be all about him right now, go help him grieve. Silent cuddles are the best comfort you can offer to him right now.

- Response by chichek, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Moscow, Other Profession

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You answered your own question...his dad died. I don't want to be a bitch or anything but jeez chick, think you could quit thinking about yourself for a sec and get a clue that he needed you to be there for HIM not vise versa. Even if his dad and him weren't close or never spoke, he's still got to process the death. Think a week is long enough? You owe him an apology and if you don't see it you aren't a very good girlfriend.

- Response by dahlia22, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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His dad just died, I think he was a bit pre-occupied with that. Give himm some time.

- Response by rexy67, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Wow.....

- Response by imunique1, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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His father died a week ago. He's grieving.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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His father died a week ago and Hes hurting. He is trying to keep busy because while his hands are moving his mind isn't thinking. When his hands stop moving and he starts processing this hes going to break down hard. He didn't invite you to go up there with him so you could go on vacation. He invited you to go up there because he NEEDS your companionship and love right now. Its part of a man's grieving process he will be strong until the walls come tumbling down and then he will need your comfort. just be there for him and with him no matter what hes doing so hes not alone. I don't care if he starts digging holes in the yard you help him turn the hole into a pit then fill it in again or whatever. Just be there for him hes not ignoring you hes trying to fight the pain hes feeling from overwhelming him.

Just do what you would want him to do for you if either of your parents died I know what hes doing may not make sense and he may do some really strange things but please do them with him and help him and let him know your there no matter what he needs or does. You know how you say "I love you" this is how you show I love you.

- Response by A Rebel, Male, 29-35

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He is not interested in you at all.


- Response by amandasboy, A Father Figure, Male, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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Unbelievable! His father dies a week ago and you're expecting to be the centre of attention???? And, you think he is WHAT? Game playing?!

How about thinking less about you and more about him, your boyfriend of what, 5 years? He asked you because he didn't want to be alone, he needed someone to just 'be there', because THAT is what you need when you have lost someone you love.

How much CARE did you show to him? No, its YOU that doesn't ''GET IT''

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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You may think he is grieving over his dad, and he probably is, but 5 years is a long time to be with someone without any formal commitment. If he is treating you like this, chances are something is missing in your relationship, and you would be best to find someone who truly cares about you. If you are noticing the signs, doesn't that tell you something? Follow your gut!

good luck.

- Response by thecorrectanswer, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Toronto

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I don't think it's a game. He lost his dad a week ago which has to have had a profound effect on him, whether or not they were close. He wanted you to be with him because he cares about you, but he needed to do busy work like raking to think, to be sad, to be alone. He mentioned the canoe, knowing you were bored and he was being so distant, but I'm sure his grief, fear, and sadness totally distracted him. To be candid, I'm surprised you expected him to "be normal" after only a week or two of losing his dad; he needs your sympathy, your support, and most of all your understanding...not nagging.

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65

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You are a selfish bitch. I hope your boyfriend dumps you.

- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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is Father died. He's in mourning. Are you normally a chipper conversationalist after someone you love dies?

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Does something smell SPOILED around here...?

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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Wow, his dad died and you want him to make an effort to make you happy. God forbid you actually do something that might make him happy or cheer him up.

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Charlotte, Self-Employed

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His dad just passed sweetie. It's not about you. He might truly not be aware of how he's come off to you. The man invited you to go up to the summer place. He was busy doing yard work. He offered to take the canoe out. But, it appears that he just wasn't moving fast enough in paying you all of the attention that you desired. He probably could sense that you were upset and then time got away from him, and he didn't think about canoeing anymore.

I think it would have been more helpful if you had of focused on what he might have been feeling, instead of, what you wanted. I think you're exaggerating the experience, and that's why he doesn't know why you felt that way. Now, I'm not one to make excuses for inconsiderate people. But, in this case, it's a little different don't you think. If he wanted to ignore and abandon you, he could have just not communicated with you at all and not invited you to be with him at all. Please just try to think about what he's going through right now. Because, you're sounding pretty selfish and non-supportive right now. This is a time when he needs YOU, some understanding and comfort right now. Not, the other way around.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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He is not playing any type of games. He is in the process of mourning. I think his being in the summer place that he went with his Dad (and other family members) is giving him comfort and giving him the feeling of being close to his dad. Just be there for him. This has nothing to do with you.

Your boyfriend definitely wants you near him but in addition he needs time alone to grieve. This was his father and he just cannot fathom not having his dad around ever again.

Again just be there for him, not please do NOT think this has anything to do with you



- Response by lover454, An Engaged Girl, Female, 56-65

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Oy.

His father just died. He is sad. He is grieving. He has normal, human emotions. Do you?

- Response by kaffroake, A Creative, Female, 29-35

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He is going through a lot of pain right now and it is nothing that you did. You have to just tell him you love him and you are here then let him be. He will call you and want you to help him through it I am sure.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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you sound like a selfish little kid. Grow up.

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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You sound like a spoiled princess. You are too old to act like this. Get a life.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Other Profession

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Erm...HELLO... his dad died! Maybe you should give some thought to what he is going through, maybe his keeping busy by raking and what not are his way of coping! cut the poor guy some slack!

- Response by psychoticbabe1, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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If he was going to settle for a cold selfish worthless woman like you he should have at least changed them out every so often, had 20 new sex partners in the same amount of time and dumped you all as soon as the relationship hassles kicked in.

After 5 years you can't even stop making it all about you when his father dies. You are absolutely worthless.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Are you serious?????? He just lost his father a week ago and all you can think about is YOU???? He's not "ignoring" you, he's freaking depressed because his DAD died. It's not about you right now, it's about him and his needs. Take your eyes off yourself and let the guy grieve for God's sake. Jesus.

- Response by ebm3, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Uh...yeah. I agree with with what most people said here and honestly think you were acting like a cold-hearted, self-absorbed bitch. The only thing I can possibly think of after my gasp of disbelief is that either A.) You didn't like his Dad for whatever reason. B.) You assumed he hated his Dad. C.) You had poor relationship with your own Dad.

- Response by butch007, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Philadelphia, Artist / Musician / Writer

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...he could still be grieving..give him a little time..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, St.Louis, Other Profession

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I agree with what almost everyone else has said. What I don't understand is the you actually told him HE ABANDONED YOU?? He is probably feeling abandoned by his father dying. WTF? Can you be anymore insensitive? I would think you have to have some sort of redeeming qualities if this poor guy has been with you for 5 years, maybe he just hasn't realized how selfish you are yet. Hopefully he will sooner rather then later.

- Response by caytastrophe, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Student

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I believe it was Alan Alda who said that marriage -- or any serious relationship -- is almost never 50/50. Depending on what's happening, the relationship might be 80/20 or 90/10. In your relationship in this situation and him grieving, it should be 100/0 -- ALL about him and his feelings and needs and ZERO about you and your feelings or need to be entertained. He invited you to be there; that says a lot about his feelings for you. He probably did that expecting he would get 100% sympathy, support, understanding, quiet companionship from you. I wonder what will happen when your time comes, when you need 100% support and understanding from him. Will he give it? Or will he say, "Aw, I wanted to go canoeing..."

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65

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This sounds familiar.

I had a similar self-absorbed girlfriend. She dumped me a week after my father died, by internet chat. All I can say is that I pity the two of you. Him, for having to go through this so alone. And you, because the lack of empathy you've expressed here will permeate through your entire being and poison more relationships than just this one.

What you feed grows.

- Response by abqlost, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35

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