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Having kids at age 45?
Married Life / 4:41 PM - Monday May 24, 2010

Having kids at age 45?

My husband desperately wants kids and told me I have one week to decide whether to have one with him or it's over. He married me 8 years ago knowing I most likely didn't want kids. For all those years he's been trying to push me into it. We have a rocky marriage that has gotten better but I am still wary and feel I am too old to start trying to get pregnant, especially when divorce has loomed for years. My husband is begging me to say yes, promising to be a better husband and a great dad and I feel so torn..

Another factor is I am on an antidepressant for depression and anxiety and a mood regulator because I am highly reactive to the way my husband treats me. I have suicidal ideation as well. I have told my husband I need these meds and to try to get pregnant means being off them. I don't think that's a good idea. He wants kids so bad that I don't think he can be practical about my health.

Any thoughts?

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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His love for you is "conditional" and that is not a lasting love because there will always be a condition. Right now he is only thinking of himself and what will make him happy. It sound to me like you already have an immature child...HIM!!!

I would tell him to.............

- Response by nowornever, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Financial / Banking

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buy him a suitcase as a going away present....

- Response by kmf1, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Minneapolis, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

Go to your OBGYN with "him" and let the doctor explain the facts to him especially at your age.
Adopting is an option but it takes years.. considering your depression and anxiety may not be the best for the child.

- Response by marika62, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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It sounds like it is time for you two to part.
He doesn't respect you, and is asking you to do something you don't want to. Leave.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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Tell him no.

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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Why not adopt?

Do something really beautiful that is both physically safer for you and metally stabilizing for the both of you.

Or does the thought of taking care of someone else's child creep you out? If it does, maybe you shouldn;t have kids at all. Maybe you should ask that question of your husband and his answer will determine if you both should have kids at all.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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I'd tell him to go find someone else to breed with, and then I'd help him pack.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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The two of you should NOT have gotten married.

- Response by lizarella, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28

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He married you knowing that you didn't want kids and he was hoping to change your mind? That should have been a deal breaker from the beginning. He is being selfish so either get counseling or perhaps you should separate. You're both unhappy.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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If you are 45, it probably doesn't matter at all what you "decide" because most women are well past that choice by your age. If you wanted a kid you should have thought of that 3 decades ago. If your husband wanted a kid he should have married someone during her baby making years 14-29.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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You two shouldn't even be married much less having kids together. He is a jerk. You are in no place mentally to be having kids and obviously he isn't either. You should be planning a divorce not the birth of a child.

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

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I do not feel qualified to answer your question, and think you should see the advice of your doctor and a marriage counselor- especially if you are on medications and the whole concept of pregnancy...there are other options, but you need to discuss this with a Doc who will know have more of understanding of your background - I wish you well

- Response by ruffian, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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If your marriage isn't good, a child isn't going to make it any better. Children definitely put a strain on a marriage, so the marriage has to be a healthy one to begin with.

It isn't healthy to be pregnant on the types of medications you're on, and getting pregnant over 40 has it's own set of risks. If he's not going to worry about your health you need to. He sounds like he's trying to force your hand with an ultimatum.

- Response by bjm524, Female, 66 or older, Other Profession

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Don't put yourself at risk for him. Obviously he is not worth it.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Having kids to solve problems is the worst reason the have them. You don't want them your marriage has been a sham for years, it's time to give him an ultimatum to either back down or let you go. Good luck.

- Response by doctorphil, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Celebrity

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Let him go. Even if you do manage to get pregnant; the chances of birth defects skyrocket at 30, and your meds push them up even higher. One of my mom's firends had two children with hydrocephalus due to her medications, and they will be taking care of them for life...

But, my mom had me at 35... so it can work out well sometimes also...

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35

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You have a rocky marriage and you are on antidepressants and suicidal. This is not mother material. End the marriage and get therapy to help you get a healthy life. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Lets see, you don't want kids, you are on medication for depression and anxiety because of your husband, you have been worried about divorce for years because of the way your husband treats you and your marriage is generally not that good.

I don't think a child will help anything. Children place additional stress on a marriage and seldom make it better. I think this will just be one more thing your husband can hold over you and threaten you with.

I do think it is time for a change. I think you would be better off without your husband. I say just get a divorce, get it over with, get your health back and move on with your life.

Besides, at your age, even if you can get pregnant, it raises the risk to both you and the baby. Not even mentioning that when the kid is 15, you will be 60. Since I am over 60, I can tell you that a 15 year old kid and myself have very little in common. I think it will be a struggle for you, especially since you don't really want it.

I don't think your husband cares much about you, and maybe even would welcome you going (since it would give him the thing he wants and gets rid of the thing he doesn't want (that would be you)).

Good luck

- Response by welloone, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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This is why major decisions like having kids need to be made BEFORE marriage, not after

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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I can understand your husband holding out hope because 'most likely not wanting children' still leaves room for the chance it could happen. However considering that your marriage sounds like it's on the skids and you're not in the best mind frame, I think it would be an absolutely terrible idea to consider a baby as an option. It sounds like your husband only wants a baby so badly because he thinks it will somehow save your failing marriage and in reality that isn't going to happen. If anything, bringing a baby into the mix will be the nail that seals the coffin in this case. Anyone who is already depressed and has had suicidal thoughts should not consider having a baby. Don't take this the wrong way because I'm not calling you old but considering your age you need to accept the fact that the chances of having a baby with birth defects doubles at your age. How could your already strained marriage handle having a baby with a serious defect God forbid it happened? All those considerations along with the fact that he's issued an ultimatum would be enough for me to consider leaving, not having a baby.

Good luck with your decision.

- Response by houseworkmakesyaugly, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45

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Don't do it with a resentment.

- Response by tomtomcat, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, New York, Teaching

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He's not thinking about you at all. :/

You could try a surrgate mother or adoption but I don't think a child will fix what's really wrong with your marriage.

- Response by TheSshhmoe, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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that`s seems hard what u are going through. but do what`s in your heart. and i know u don`t want 2 lose your husband and go through a divorce i guess try really hard 2 work on a agreement if not i would leave it in god`s hands. good luck

- Response by prettysoul21, A Thinker, Female, 22-25

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I wish you luck, with what every you decide.

- Response by dambreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Retired

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