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Does boyfriend's cruel Drunk words equal honest 'sober thoughts' ?
Dating / 1:19 PM - Tuesday May 11, 2010

Does boyfriend's cruel Drunk words equal honest 'sober thoughts' ?

Dating boyfriend for nearly a year.
Last week we went on a dual trip to beach and mountains.
During the beach trip he drank way too much. He was around some married guy friends who are also big drinkers and tend to be sarcastic b@stards basically.(he does have closer male friends who are nice guys, he only knows these men thru a female friend from law school who married one of them)
I was the only girl hanging out at a beach lounge with them.
his friends wives were back at the beach house with their kids.

Anyway I have noticed on a couple occasions that when my boyfriend drinks more than say 8-9 drinks his whole personality switches.
Its literally like his eyes even glaze over and the lights are on but he isnt home.
This time instead of being a fun drunk he started off nasty.
One of the guys at the beachhouse party was a gay makeup artist who complimented my looks and told me i have no wrinkles and look amazing for 30.
My boyfriend proceeded to tell me afterwards that i have 'lots of wrinkles'
i thought he was being funny, but then he said i have them under my eyes when i smile.
this made me furious and i did ignore him for the next 2 hours while we were at the bar drinking.
i was waiting for him to apologize.

Instead he drank more.
Finally, in front of his drunk friends he called me a 'b***h and said maybe we should break up'
He had never called me a b***h ever and I burst out crying and ran to ladies room.
The fact that he mentioned breaking up freaked me out.

Finally we took cab ride back to beachhouse.
he then proceeded to fall into bed half awake.
instead of passing out he said even worse things.
that he thought i look 'disgusting' at the beach and that size 8 is too huge a size for me.
he said he wanted to stick his 'pen1s in someone he finds hot'
and then he said he would do ANYTHING NOT to go on vacation with me to the mountains in denver ...

i lay there in shock crying with my heart pounding.
he then passed out.
i actually became violently ill.

the next day he acted sweet and nice as usual.
I told him he said horrible awful things to me the night before.
he said he didnt remember anything and had too much to drink.
he refused to admit remembering saying anything awful.

i kept thinking he was drunk and it made him brave to suggest breaking up.
but as we were driving out of the beach town , he mentioned something that made me think he still sees us together.
we entered farmland and he told me to look out the window for corn crops that are starting to grow. he said 'we' would see them grow over the Summer when we go to the beach....
:sigh:

I went to the mountains with him anyway because I had already put so much money into planning and paying for the trip.
we actually had a great time and he didnt drink too much.



but now that we are back to reality and done with vacation I am very hurt by his drunken words.
They are still stinging me intensely.

did they have real truth to them ?

any input would be appreciated.

he is nearly 37 btw

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Self-Employed

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oh, wow.
Unfortunately, yeah, all alcohol does is make a person lose inhibition so they say BLUNTLY what is really on their mind.

I would probably get MYSELF some nice Estee Lauder eye cream, even if I overspend a bit.
and DUMP THE ASSHOLE who does NOT appreciate me and find a true lover, a TRUE romance.

this guy is an asshole. ditch him. You deserve SO MUCH better!!

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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As I said yesterday; yes

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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Community Rating: Community Star

What I would do is confront him and tell him EVERYTHING he said and even tell him how he behaved because he couldn't have been that DRUNK not to remember some of the stuff he said...believe me, I've said things when I was drunk but I have to admit that I remembered everything I've ever said and did, and it had NOTHING to do with how drunk I was...it may be his only 'excuse' to try and forget what happened but if you confront him and tell him everything he said, he has no reason not to give you honest answers...let him know what he said, how he behaved and how disrespectful he was being and let him deal with the backlash of his actions because if you just try to forget what happened and you don't say anything to him, he's going to think that its okay to do it again and believe me, he will do it again because he probably thinks that if he 'pretends' not to remember, you will just let it go...if you want respect, you have to demand it and don't let him get out of this one...get some answers and decide from there if he's worth the time/effort...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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He has signs of an alcoholic personality, and has a serious problem. If you want to stay with him, he needs to acknowledge his problem, and seek help. You can count on seeing this behavior again and again. The fact that he was under the influence when those words were spoken does not declare him innocent or negate his responsibility. He is a big boy at 37, if he doesn't accept ownership of a problem and it's affect on your relationship, you are in for a long bumpy road, if you stay with him.

- Response by nysbikergirl, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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People don't say things they don't believe when they are drunk, it just gets rid of inhibitions so we can say what we thought.

But irrespective of that, what are you doing with a guy who's 37 and still drinking likes he's 21.

- Response by Passion4Travel, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, San Diego

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its tough, because yes I think those thoughts are real and he really felt them, however he may not have wanted them to come out. I'm sure there are some less than pleasant things you think about your boyfriend at times right? Well he has those same thoughts. Unfortunately they came out when he was drunk. Thinking about breaking up isn't a horrible thing either. I'd assume that you have thought about it after certain things too. Once again though, if he is still with you, he probably doesn't really want to do that, but he has had thoughts of it. Thoughts and actions are 2 different things. I've thought about wanting to quit my job many times, but I haven't done it. So yes, his drunken words were his sober thoughts, but I don't necessarily think it means he WANTS to break up with you, just that he's THOUGHT ABOUT breaking up with you.

- Response by brando1002, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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Its my opinion that drunk words are sentiments that are amplified. So he might not think you are that awful, but he doesn't like you much either.

Kick it!! Curbside time.

- Response by annandfam, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Did you tell him what he said....all of it? Those words would have hurt me too. I would have left him for sure.

What did the other people there say when he spoke to you at the bar and was crying?

If you stay, be careful....especially when he drinks. No one should be that rude to another drunk or not.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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You need to ask yourself if you want to hear even crueler words in the future when you guys drink. The saying goes, "Your'e never as honest as when you're drunk". There's no respect or love being shown and it's bound to happen again. I would seriously question your own self esteem as it seems to be in trouble. You're in for a lot of heart-ache if you don't believe this is what he really feels when he's honest with himself. No one should be made to feel unwanted and dis-respected by a person who is suppose to love you. Big red flag if you seriously want the truth. Don't you deserve more than that?

- Response by peg2050, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Self-Employed

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I'm sorry but you need to ditch this guy. He becomes a nasty drunk who is emotionally abusive. Then he expects to get off scott free because he had a black out? He has some serious issues & you deserve way better than that. The things he said went to far. It's one thing to jumble your words or say things you don't mean when you are drunk, but the things he said sound pretty deliberate to me. He wouldn't say it sober, but if that is his honest truth or how he sees you when drunk, he is an a$$hole. I would be wary of the potential for the long term in this. I feel the stinging for you too. If you decide to forgive him, please resolve to leave if he pulls this crap again. You don't need someone you're trying to grow love for putting you down making you feel insecure. Good luck.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Yes, nothing has changed.

- Response by catscratch, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Executive

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I really don't know what to tell you. I will say that you need to look at his actions and see if you can deal with this every time he gets super drunk. You should not be talked to like that in any way drunk or not. If your willing to be disrespected like this constantly then stay

- Response by thicallover, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, New York, Administrative

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It's hard to say if he "means it" or not, BUT just his actions and cruel words alone whether he's drunk or not is NOT a good thing. No offense but I don't think he's someone you want to be involved with....sounds like he's got some alcohol issues.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 29-35, Denver, Medical / Dental

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Drunk or not, anyone who says those types of things, and continues to do so, has a real problem and either needs to acknowledge it and get help, or you need to get the hell away from him and find someone better. Chalk it up to experience. If he said those things while drunk, he has at least thought them when sober, so as much as it hurts, tell him everything he said, tell him that just saying he was drunk is no excuse, and that you deserve someone who cares for you enough to treat you better. Good luck!

- Response by patton, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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Sounds emotionally abusive to me. If you want to continue with this relationship I would seriously advise calling him out on this behavior and seeking counseling as a couple. I wouldn't consider working it out if this is just some verbally abusive guy who only wants to date you for a while. The long-term damage this can cause you would be difficult to overcome.

- Response by gypsylove7, A Creative, Female, 29-35

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My ex was exactly like your boyfriend. Lights off and nobody is home, cruel words that he didn't remember in the morning, etc, etc, etc. Do yourself a favor and make him an ex too.

- Response by kris2cub, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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is this the type of guy you want to marry? to be the father of your children? to live with the rest of your life?

- Response by lionhearted32219, A Father Figure, Male, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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" its tough, because yes I think those thoughts are real and he really felt them, however he may not have wanted them to come out. I'm sure there are some less than pleasant things you think about your boyfriend at times right? Well he has those same thoughts. Unfortunately they came out when he was drunk. Thinking about breaking up isn't a horrible thing either. I'd assume that you have thought about it after certain things too. Once again though, if he is still with you, he probably doesn't really want to do that, but he has had thoughts of it. Thoughts and actions are 2 different things. I've thought about wanting to quit my job many times, but I haven't done it. So yes, his drunken words were his sober thoughts, but I don't necessarily think it means he WANTS to break up with you, just that he's THOUGHT ABOUT breaking up with you. "

I agree with exactley what this guy said, but I would still be very hurt. My boyfriend would have ended up with a broken nose that he didn't remember getting.

Perhaps you should talk to him about it. Tell him that when he had a bit much to drink he said some really hurtful things to you and even if he doesn't remember it it's really bothering you. Communication is the key to working this out.

Good luck, and don't be TOO hard on him =/

<3

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25

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I think you know the answer. He is with you only until he can find a woman who is younger and more attractive.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Other Profession

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Get out. It doesn't matter if he ment them. Do you want to go through this everytime he gets really drunk. Do you want to have your kids listen to him calling you a bitch and for them to hear you crying. I went through this not only with a man but as the daughter too. I heard my mother degraded by my dad late at night after he had a few to many. I listened to her cry at night. Then I found myself with a man who would get drunk and call me a bitch and tell me he didn't want me. You have to get away from this its not healthy and it escalates.

Get out, He isn't young and stupid. Get out.

- Response by bellabyrdie, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I'm sorry for this. 8-9 drinks is excessive. Nobody should drink that much. The fact that he's a mean drunk makes it worse. You have to ask yourself if you want to put up with this. So what if he's nice when he's sober. Worrying about going on that roller coaster ride when he decides to get smashed isn't worth it. Break away.

- Response by waitinggirl22, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles

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I always say "the truth comes out when you're drunk" because it's true. The fact that he said all those horrible things about you, to other people at that, was very harsh and if he were my boyfriend, I would leave him, whether he remembered saying it or not. You obviously seem like someone who he doesn't deserve, so I feel like you should move on to someone who will appreciate you more. But that's just my opinion honey. Everyone thinks differently.

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28, Miami

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This guy is an asshole with a drinking problem. If you continue on with him or marry him the behavior will only get worse. Why are you still with him? Dump him fast.

- Response by mrsy1, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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I also just experienced this. The nicest guy, into working out, eating healthy, bike riding -- very affectionate sober, considerate. Thought it was all good until I took him to a light, small party hosted by my professional friends with my daughter in tow.

Sadly, he waited until he'd had several vodkas and all but tried to drown me in the pool with excessive dunking to tell me it was my fault I took him compromising his 10-day sobriety...blah blah blah. So arguing in front of my kid took place which wasn't good. Next came all of the blaming, comments about other people, you name it - he went there. Then he just rolled on out of the driveway. Had tears in my eyes shocked by his behavior. The fact that yesterday was Mother's Day didn't help anything either.

Tried reaching out. Then I went from sad to quite bloody pissed and sent some stinger texts. He came back over but I learned he'd a) fallen in the pool with all his clothes on (didn't know it, didn't see it) b) left all of that & his wallet at my friend's house and c) he claimed he blacked out and I must've been 'attacking him' in the pool.

The rest of the details aren't really necessary. 95% of the time, he was great. But this experience became a deal-breaker and I think that's what's important. He may feel badly but he isn't going to a job interview with a nice spot across his nose; he doesn't have to answer to a child who adored him about his shitty behavior; he doesn't have to acknowledge I had the worst Mother's Day ever thanks to this. He just needs to stay gone and I will make it so. That is also very important. No matter how good it looks on the outside, and how wonderful and amazing they try to be - when it comes to alcohol and they go the places he went, the next place for me is far, far away from that. Good luck to anyone else experiencing this. Sucks but shutting that door to the dark side is best thing you can do for yourself.



- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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