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My girlfriend wants to keep the baby- i don't!
Family & Parenting / 8:28 AM - Wednesday May 05, 2010

my girlfriend wants to keep the baby- i don't!

My girlfriend is 27 and I am 38. She just told me she is pregnant. I tried to convince her to have an abortion as I cannot have a child at this stage of my life. I am already divorced and have a daughter of 9years old who I see from time to time. I don't want to go through the same **** as i did all my life. I have been living in london for 7 years trying to make my living and find the person I can trust. My girlfriend messed up with the pills and now she says she does not want to have abortion. She does not respect my life and my family. I cannot and don't want to be forced to any situation I don't desire in my life. i don't want my daughter to ask me: Daddy, why do you have a baby with another women? etc. I don't want to loose my daughter and I don't want to loose my life. I think if leaving my girlfriend if she decide to keep it. At the end it is her decision and therefore her responibility. Am I right? I cannot trust her anymore...
Why I should be forced into sitation like that? My life is already a big mess, I can't afford to make it even bigger. She had ambitions to finish her accountancy course, I wanted to sort out my life properly too... Why should I suddenly change everything around just because SHE wants it. It is not fair.
If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. iF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as i did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

Update: May 06, 2010.
What's done is done. She does not respect my family, she knew my situation, she knew how it is hard for me and my daughter to see each other only from time to time. There is no love here, she is not a part of me, as she is with her mum all the time. She does not feel she has the father. I am not going to allow this situation again. We haven't created any stable relationship over a year or so to have a base for a loving family and having children. This is how I see my life in my future, not the way it is now, not by accident... So many people go through abortions every day... she could have focused on her education, on her career, or building up a happy relationship, instead of a grief over an aborted child that she has never even seen or hold in her arms. As i said, what is done is done, she is out of my life. This is not my child, as I did not plan for it. I do have a family that i need to look after already, and I am not going to allow this girl to distroy my life.

- Asked by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, London

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find a new girlfriend !!
she deserve alot more mature guy than you
Later LOSER !!

- Response by tpass419, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Alternative Medicine

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Hey if you didn't want to become a father then you should of taken it upon yourself to protect against pregnancy! Many women screw up when they take the pill which is why it's always good to have a backup plan. Heck even women who have taken it correctly have gotten pregnant.

You participated in making this baby and now it's time to stand up and do the right thing here. I'm sure she didn't want a child at this stage of her life either and it making the best of it. She is willing to take personal responsibility here unlike you. Grow up and be a man because it's obvious your going to be a Dad AGAIN!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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No matter what type of birth control is being used, accidents still happen. If you don't want more children I would recommend a vasectomy. That way it's your body and you know it's not going to happen. The only surefire way is abstinence.

And I agree with the adoption suggestion. Talk to her about it, but don't be surprised if she says no. Carrying a baby changes a person's outlook on things. She is using her body to create a new life and that isn't to be taken lightly. It has a huge emotional impact on a mother.

Regardless, whether you like it or not you will still have a financial obligation if nothing else. My ex doesn't see our daughter and hasn't since she was a baby but still pays child support. My boyfriend (who she knows as her daddy), does wish to adopt her and change her last name to his own at some point after I have her father sign off his rights. Otherwise it wouldn't be possible for me because I am not in a financial position to provide for her without some assistance. Maybe your girlfriend will find herself a good man with a good heart who would consider the option. Don't count on it.

You can't be angry at her for what happened. You both hold responsibility for your actions.

- Response by dreamyblues420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Cleveland, Military

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she is right about one thing and for sure, Abortion is murder and she will regret it the rest of her life.
asking her to make that choice is the same as asking her to shoot her baby and yours too.
it is torturous to the women to kill her own child.
I doubt men can do this, but try to see this from her side and what you're asking her to do out of convienience since birth control didn't work.
slow down, relax and think about this.
this is your flesh and blood too.

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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- Response by A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Denver

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Your girlfriend posted on here a few days ago. You may want to search for the question. Exact same scenario, same ages, same location AND she admitted that she messed up with the pills.

That sucks. She should have been more responsible. It's unfair that YOU have to suffer because of her.

- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Managerial

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I can totally understand what you must be going through because when I got pregnant with my son, it was the total opposite for me and I didn't want the baby, but my ex did...we fought and fought about it so much that I ended up miscarrying and the issue was need to sit down with her and tell her exactly why you aren't ready to be a father again, why you feel that you have no say in the matter and how you want to deal with the pregnancy because from what it sounds like, she is not willing to end the pregnancy no matter need to let her know the reasons why you can't have a child now or why you feel that the timing is all both should have a say in what happens and unfortunately for a lot of men, they have NO say whatsoever and that's really frustrating...the only thing you can do at this point is talk to her, be honest with her and let her know that whatever she decides, it will be HER choice because you may have helped make the baby, but you sure as hell won't have a say in what happens from this point on...I'm so sorry you are going through this...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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You guys are dumb. Can't you see this bitch has tricked him? it's easy for you to say that he should take responsibility, but he should not let this stupid girl ruin his life with a baby he does not want. SHE wants it ->>>> SHE deals with it.

- Response by A Creative, Male, 26-28, Quebec

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I am in the exact same situation. I have alot of debt and was planning to go over seas to teach ESL. She refused to have a abortion the day before our appointment to take the pill. Im starting to hate her for it.

- Response by shadowtail, A Career Man, Male, 56-65, Phoenix

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a lot of people understand the hardship here, but there are
ways to fix it so you don't have to end the childs life.
one day let's say when you turn 70, you are going to wish you had these wonderful children in your life, and most of all, when you die and you are face to face with God.
the one that is the judge of all we do and think, he has plans for that little baby. that baby will grow into a adult like you.
do you wish your parents aborted you? you see? just because the stupid law makers made it legal does' not make it ok to do.
it is still murder of a human being,
what are you going to say to God once you have murdered the most precious to him?
his commandments say,"Thou shall not murder"
there won't be anything you can say in your defence I'm afraid.
I'm glad all guys don't jump ship when the hard times come, look who stays as usual and takes care of the business,WOMEN!
God Bless all you WOMEN that do that difficult job 24/7
you're all awesome!

- Response by allie112, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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You are a piece of shit. If this was my daughter I would cut off your nuts and feed them to you.

- Response by cunninglinguist, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Atlanta, Executive

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That is something hard to do since she appreciates the life inside of her. You will have to make a Legal papperwork for the situation. I am not familiar about the law's in London but i hope thins somewhat work out. I see your point and hers.. But things are always complicated.. but sometimes it helps having some one else..

- Response by darkflyer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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P.S. I have seen people on every end of this arrangement I have proposed for you. Everyone ends up being loved.

Except that no one ever wants the natural father around, and they will require that you give up all rights. Perfect. You don't want to be, anyway. So, you are off the hook, and they love that you're gone. A win, win, WIN (baby and his new family, third part of equation).

I have even seen several arrangements where the birth mother is allowed the satisfaction of continuing to be in the baby's life (giving up her parental rights, it is understood, of course). Some restrict it to photos and updates, so as not to confuse the baby as he grows older, and allow him a "normal" life. Some allow interaction on big events, like baptism, first communion, things like that. The birth mother has the satisfaction of watching the success of her little one's life enfold. And, since everyone knows she "did the right thing", provided such a happy solution for the otherwise childless family, she is accepted and loved in the community of the adoptive parents. It is incredible.

- Response by naiveladyquestions, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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You are 38 years old and if you don't want a child then you need to use birth control or have a vasectomy. You are old enough to not use abortion as a birth control and she should be allowed to keep her child..I think you will be the one regretting one day seeing your own child time from time and losing this child's mother's respect. Hope she takes our advice from yesterday and lets you walk away. Deadbeat. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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I hate hearing this situation, because I think the women is intentionally deceiving the man in these cases. I would look into giving up any rites and financial responsibility to the baby asap, adoption - tell her flat out that you are pissed and need some time to think it through - good luck

- Response by ruffian, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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If there are so many negative things about your g/f then why did you date her in the first place? Huh?

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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I understand where you are coming from. This wasn't something planned but things happen.So, she messed up on her pills and now she is pregnant that could be true. she didn't do this to you. Now because of something you both did a baby a child just like your daughter could suffer. Its not easy being a single mother either. I was in a similiar situation. The father of my daughter is not in her life and I get calls from the school because she is crying about her dad. He was going to be involved and bailed because he didn't want to deal with it.
I also had an abortion and it was the guy who screwed up not me on that one and I chose not to have a baby for similiar reasons as you. I went through with the abortion and it ruined me for a very long time and still think about how horrible it was. So with my daughter I knew I couldnt terminate and go through it again.
Unfortunately things happen and you can't just think about yourself. If you were sleeping with her you should care about her alittle I would I would hope/think. And you love your daughter so much so think about this unborn baby that you could love too. Your daughter will adjust and maybe love having a sibling.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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All this is about you, you, you, me, me, me, I, I, obviously don't care one bit about her or being a MAN.

Doesn't matter if you're right 'cause that baby is with it...or maybe YOU'LL regret being a total shit knowing you punked out on your kid nevermind your girlfriend whom your supposed to love, right?

- Response by TheSshhmoe, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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When she has that child and it grows up and your looking it in the face,tell me how you are going to say"i never wanted you to even be born" to him/her without any emotion or cringe in your face,unless your really that heartless.I am sorry but not really b/c to say that No Matter what the matters are,that You don't want a Woman to bring a Human life into this world to live its life,Who the hell are You to say you dont want Them to even be born!?to live their own life?You cant make a decision for that precious life which could turn out to be The president for all you know!or even just a normal kid that drops out but has the Biggest heart of gold in the world,You are nobody and are in no position to tell someone they shuold not be able to give or live Life. !!!!!!!!

- Response by amandarosebaby, A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Who Cares?

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Although I understand how you feel, demanding that your girlfriend abort the baby is not your right. It is HER body, and she is the one who will have to live with the consequences of that decision the rest of her life. Too bad we live in a world where children are viewed as disposable because they present an inconvenience to us. You should have thought forward to the consequences before having unprotected sex with her.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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"Ok, so I was playing with my flamethrower in my friend's rec room, and I burned down thwe house. I'm not paying for it- they should have completely fireproofed their house just in case an idiot like me got invited in...I'm not responsible!".

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Political / Government

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I gave up my career to be a mom, and it is the most gratifying thing I have ever experienced. And I also had an abortion, and I did regret it. Many women do, and a lot claim it does not effect them. It's called denial and it's a faulty coping mechanism. You say she does not respect you or your life, but it sounds like you do not respect her life, or the tiny one growing inside her.

I say leave her. If you are as old as your profile claims, and you are not ready now, then you will never be ready. Things never go as planned. If it did, it wouldn't be called "life."

Let her go. She is young enough to find another man to be with. She may want more kids, anyways. And in all honesty, my father did not want me, either, and I can tell you it's not healthy for any child.

It would be better for you to step out of the picture all together than to break some little girl/boys heart thinking their father hates them and the psychological issues that will occur later in life.

Your girlfriend will be hurt, but she will get over it. Time does make things better and she will find a man who will want to be a family man. Hopefully, he can be a great father and allow that child to grow in a supportive and loving environment that every child needs and deserves.

- Response by elled27, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Home Maker

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Funny, but a young woman from London posted with a very similar story just a couple of days ago.

She was roundly advised to leave the jerk she was dating, and make her decisions without him.

I certainly hope that she has.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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- Response by aon007, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Salt Lake City, Science / Engineering

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WOW!! you are apparently self absorbed. If you can't deal with the consequences of having sex, then maybe you shouldn't have sex. You shouldn't make her feel as this is ALL her fault and she should have an abortion. Typical, take the easy way out. I do not understand why so many people think having a child is an unhappy thing. If you break up with her for haiving a child, then you are just way tooo selfish and irresponsible and she deserves better you. So you have a daughter.. You don't see as often as you like. You don' think your daughter having a brother or sister is a good thing? You have a past for a reason. Things didn't work out, whatever the case is. But you have a daughter out of it. Do you regret that? You're the one that needs to have an open mind and be understanding to her wishes as well. You ever think, you're the one destroying her life? She's prob thought you were the greatest thing and she's happy and in love and then she tells you she's pregnant and boom, mr. evil comes a knocking.... You have a serious case of the ME's.... everything is about me me me me.... Have fun paying child support mr. insensitive.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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Well don't try to take that away from her!
your not the one who decides life for this baby if you don't like the idea leave, hell she'll do far of a better job without you
no Im not being rude just straight up honest :/

- Response by cristyquartz, A Creative, Female, 22-25, Managerial

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