Back to Home

Active Questions

If I'm always the one to initiate things should I lay off and see if he will initiate for once?
Dating / 12:28 AM - Monday May 03, 2010

If I'm always the one to initiate things should I lay off and see if he will initiate for once?

This guy I've been hanging out with NEVER makes plans or anything first, I always have to ask HIM to hang out. I just find it weird because every time I ask him to hang out he jumps up at the opportunity and never says no, yet for some reason he never initiates things. Like I'm always the one to text or call him, its never the other way around!
Should I stop for a while and see if he comes around? I'm sick of always being the one to say "hey lets do something"

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 22-25

Read more about the Rating System


YES, push him into making the initiative.

- Response by darkflyer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


For whatever reason, this is the pattern you've both fallen into, and he probably assumes you're fine with it. Not initiating could mean a lack of interest, or it could be that he's a bit lazy, or just thinks you like initiating things. We all get into habits or parts of a relationship that we see as the other person's job, simply because that person tends to do that stuff. If you stop initiating plans without saying anything, he may pick up the slack, or he may assume you've lost interest and back away -- especially if he's not super confident.

Maybe next time you go out, you can say something casual like, "Okay, I made plans for us tonight, so next time it's your turn -- I love hanging out with you, but hate being the planner all the time." Keep it light, no need to turn it into a big thing, just let him know casually that you want him to share in some of the planning. Or tell him you think it's hot when a guy takes charge and plans out the evening. Then give him a chance to plan something.

If he still doesn't call you, he may not be that interested. But give him a chance. If he's not confident that you really like him, or he feels like you're out of his league, he may let you do the planning because part of him doesn't believe you'd want to hang out with him. Lack of confidence often mirrors laziness or disinterest. OTOH, if you give him let him know gently that you don't want to do all the work and you stop doing all the work and then he doesn't call you or make any plans, then you're probably best finding someone else to hang out with. Good luck with it!

- Response by writeginny, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

If he was interested in you, he would take the initiative. However, you might not be giving him a chance to do so if you're always the one suggesting you do stuff. Back off and see what happens. Either way you'll get your answer.

- Response by lizarella, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28

Rating Received:


Don't completly ditch him but go hang out with someone else after nicely saying "Hey call me when you want to do something." Knowing your situation, he won't make plans and you will have the opportunity to go out with someone else.

When he gets frusterated explain that someone else had initiated hanging out and that you would of hung out but he never called with plans and that it was nice having someone else call the shots.

Game playing is not always the answer but if doing this once or twice doesn't send a message then flat out tell him. Guys are dumb (or at least they play dumb) and won't do anything until it hits them in the face.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Chicago, Student

Rating Received:


Hes a user. Ditch him. And I'll bet you always sport the bill to cause he uses the shrug the shoulders excuse and says, well I didn't know we were going here today or night.

- Response by diglebe2, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Many women complain of this.I think they orefer to do that end of it.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Maybe he does not like you very much, but simply being polite, not wanting to hurt your feelings. Your situation is odd, given your age group.

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

Rating Received: