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My husband won't grow up and I've fallen out of love with him. Help please!
Married Life / 1:54 PM - Friday April 30, 2010

My husband won't grow up and I've fallen out of love with him. Help please!

I met my husband when I was 13 and married him when I was 19. He is the only relationship I've ever had and although I love him deeply as a friend I am not in love with him. We have two young children together. Things really started to go downhill after our first was born. My priorities shifted and my focus became health and growth so that I can be my best self for my children. He is still very focused on having fun and being and looking cool, which was fine when we were kids but... After three years of trying to communicate my feelings to him and asking him to be more responsible I feel I am now facing the devastating reality that we may not be right for one an other. The worst part is that I care for him so much, but I have lost all respect and attraction for him. I would welcome any advice on how to proceed. Can this be salvaged? Should I just quite waiting for him to grow up and move on?

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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If it wasn't for the fact that you are now a FAMILY and there's children involved I'd say lesson learned, time to walk away.

But you can't do that. Your children NEED their DADDY.

Time for marriage counseling.

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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Community Rating: Community Star

This is the problem with getting married to young in most cases. You answered your own question. You have grown apart. I would move on. It sounds like you already have.

- Response by catstr, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, New Orleans, Managerial

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For better or worse.
You fall in and out of love. That's what marriage and committment is. You are both in the marriage and that's TILL DEATH. Right?
So get some marriage counseling.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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Ok, so here's what you need to do. First off, don't listen to the people who are telling you to seek counseling, cause that won't help you fall in love with him. Instead, follow the heart that wrote this question, it is the one crying out for you to find happiness, so trust it. Move on, as hard as that seems right now, and find the person you're meant to be with. I wish you all the best!

- Response by thecorrectanswer, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Toronto

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You've KNOWN him since you were thirteen and loved him since you were thirteen, which reasonably equates to you KNOWING AND LOVING IT that he still wanted to party when you married him at nineteen.

And so, now, after three years with the irresponsible man you married, all that's left for you to do is thank him for the two children he gave you, concentrate on caring for and training them to full-grown adults with all the love and responsibility in you for them--and hope HE will eventually learn to love as a father and grow up as a MAN by YOUR EXAMPLE of a PARENT and WOMAN.

- Response by thedaimler2006, An Alternative Girl, Female, 56-65, Atlanta, Self-Employed

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Lets call a spade a spade. You said nothing about this man not providing for his children or for you. You said nothing about him staying out all night. You said nothing about him abusing you. You said nothing about him cheating on you.

What you did say is..."I'M NOT HAPPY!!! It needs to be about me!"

Ummm maybe you showed horrible judgement in marrying this guy at 19 and then proceeding to have 2 children by the age of 22. It sounds like your maturity is just as questionable as your husband's supposedly is.

- Response by drallig9399, A Hip Hop Guy, Male, 29-35, Dallas, Military

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Divorce him and move on. The worst that can happen is that you lose a dear friend, but that is not a big deal because you can always find new friends. Willing to bet if and when you find a more "mature" guy you will find youself falling out of love with him and wanting a guy who wants to be fun and look good.

- Response by william45, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Teaching

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I'd give it hell before I gave up assuming that it is in ur kids best interest if it can work out. But some men grow up faster than others and most that will grow up do so pretty quickly after having kids. To some degree we men can always be a kid at hearting wanting sports cars, play sports ect... but this can be done with balance for responsible men. I don't know what he is or isn't doing but he may grow up more as he reaches 30 or he may never. Maybe if he knows the thought of divorce has crossed ur mind it could give him a reality check. It could push him over the edge the other way too but if that is what he has in him then better to find out sooner rather than later.

- Response by aron77, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Kansas City, Celebrity

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People don't grow up when someone ask them to do so. They only grow up on their own, with thier experiences and how the interpret them. Many never grow up. If I were you I would leave. I don't see divorce as a big deal. It is just an end of an era and a beginning of a new one. GL

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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You probably do not love him anymore and if there were no kids involved I would say move on. But you have two kids...

There are plenty of bad husbands/fathers in this world that do not provide for their families, beat their wives, do not share in the upbringing of their children, chase other women, play golf or watch sports all weekend. If you husband does not fall into any of the above categories, I would stick with him. Bringing up two kids on you own is not an easy task and I don't know if you will be able to find a man who you love and who in-turn will love you and take care of your kids as his own.

You say he is focused on having fun and looking cool. Seriously do you really want a boring husband who do not take care of himself?

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Philadelphia

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The same thing happened with me and my husband. I had to leave him for a while, we'd split the week with our daughter. He eventually grew up and we moved back in with each other. You can try that, live with a parent maybe for a bit, show him that if he doesn't grow up that's the life he will have. But there's a chance that it could backfire on you. It's been a very crazy year but I have started to love him again.

- Response by hottiepacman87, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Self-Employed

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