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Should I tell my friend she really hurt my feelings and upset me?
Friendship / 10:11 AM - Monday April 19, 2010

Should I tell my friend she really hurt my feelings and upset me?

My husband and I have been trying to have another child. We have undergone fertility treatments and I have suffered multiple miscarriages. Less than a week ago, I suffered another miscarriage. During another conversation this morning, my friend commented that my husband and I cannot really afford another child at this time. I retorted that maybe I couldn't have another baby but I didn't want to have this conversation right now. She responded maybe you're right. I am getting over this loss, and I was actually in a good mood until she made this comment. We have been best friends for a while, but I found this remark to be very insensitive and hurtful.

- Asked by A Career Woman, Female, 36-45

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First of all let me say that I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Your friend was very rude to have said that. i am sure she was trying to be supportive but that was not the thing to say at this moment. You should mention to her in a nice non combative way that her remarks hurt your feelings. If they are truly your friend they will understand.

- Response by electroman, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Seattle, Science / Engineering

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First, I'm so sorry for your problems getting pregnant. I know how difficult that is.

Maybe your friend was trying to console you ... in her own kind of backward way. It's really none of her business what you can or can't afford though.

I would tell her that she hurt you with what she said. Hopefully, she'll realize at this time, you just need a shoulder to "cry" on not something judging you.

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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It was very thoughtless, hurtful and highly insensitive, I hope you tell your friend that you were shocked when she came out with that. She really should apologise. Some people think they are saying things to help, mean well, but make it worse.

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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Do not discuss your private affirs with others, They are personal,

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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Maybe she thought she was being supportive of the fact you are having problems, maybe that was her (misguided) attempt to make you feel better by giving you a different perspective.

I'm sorry for your loss. I've had them too and its devastating.

- Response by annandfam, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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My belief is that since you have been friends for awhile than her behavior was not intended to hurt you and if you hold the idea that her behavior caused your hurt rather than she said something AND you were hurt, it is likely that your communication will be more of an indictment of her behavior than an expression of your feelings. If you need time to sort out your feelings about this then I suggest you take that time so that when you do communicate with her, you can communicate about your feelings, not about the behavior that you believe set off those feelings of hurt.

- Response by wiserman, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Well since that is your best friend you should be fine talking about anything. I think that you should let her know that she hurt your feelings and then you can talk about it. Is this type of persona is her norm or not, if it is she may not recognize that she is doing it. Just talk to her

- Response by jessjazzi, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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That was a rotten thing to say to you. How does she know what you can afford? When you have children you change your priorities. Your children will aways come first and you will do
whatever it takes to support them.

- Response by sparky11, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Providence, Other Profession

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Let her know that her comment hurt your feelings. She may not have been aware how sensitive you were to the topic. You've been friends for awhile so once you tell her she'll most likely be more supportive and caring.
Besides, it wont hurt to tell her, she'll be glad that you were truthfull.

- Response by careyprice31, A Sportif, Female, 22-25

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I would tell her that she hurt your feeling. But also she probably hurt your feelings because deep down you know that she is right.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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I think you should tell your friend how her comments hurt and upset you because she may have thought that she was 'supporting' you by telling you what she did and may not have thought she was doing anything wrong...sometimes people will look at a situation from an emotional point of view, especially if they are friends/family members, and instead of just showing sympathy/empathy, will say/do things that may not seem 'supportive'...but they won't know it's unsupportive if you don't say anything...talk to her and let her know how it made you feel and maybe she will see how hurtful it was...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Yes. She really shouldn't meddle in you and your husband's business. But, if you're telling it, she felt it was her right to comment on it. But, the timing was very wrong, and her comment was insensitive. I would let her know how you felt about it. Some people just don't think. It really wasn't about what you and your husband could afford.

It almost "seemed like" she was insinuating that this was some sort of divine intervention, because SHE felt you too can't afford the child. And, I really hate this type of commenting. Because, it is not a form of comforting at all. It's more like someone pouring salt in a severe wound. I'm so sorry for your loss. My sympathy goes out to you and your husband.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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Maybe she was just trying to help. It takes a concerned friend to point out facts that you may not be open to hearing, and risk making you angry. Maybe she thought it was something you needed to hear. Her timing could have been better, but I bet her heart was in the right place. Try to focus on her good intentions, rather than on your hurt reaction.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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You're right that your friend said something that offended you. But you have many opportunities to forgive her and she has many opportunities to apologize for her offending remark. Then you should let the incident drop, and move on from this debacle. Good luck!

- Response by swillner7, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Washington, DC, Political / Government

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