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My babysitter had her boyfriend there when my husband got home,I'm not sure if he just picked her up
Family & Parenting / 5:38 PM - Friday April 16, 2010

My babysitter had her boyfriend there when my husband got home,I'm not sure if he just picked her up

I'm not sure if her boyfriend had just showed up to pick her up, or had been there for a while. They were in the garden hanging out with baby when my husband came home.

I told her we'd come home at about 7:30 and my husband may have showed up a bit after then (which is typical, and she knows-she said she could stay until 8).

I guess it just really made me uncomfortable that her boyfriend was there without us.

I'm trying to be understanding, but it makes me uncomfortable. He may have just picked her up and been there for 15 minutes, I really don't know.

What worries me is that that night, my son woke up and wouldn't stop crying for almost 10minutes, he's always been calmed within 30 seconds!

I think I need to talk to her about it. I don't want her to get defensive, she's very good with my son and he's become attached to her. I know she means well and her boyfriend is probably fine, I just don't want him with our son if we are not at home.

Would this also have upset you, or do you think I'm over reacting? How would you handle it?




Update: April 16, 2010.
It's not that I'm really worried she allowed him to abuse my son, not at the first time he was there, but I barely know him and do not want him with my son when I am not there. I had her with me for almost 2 months before I let her be alone with my baby. They've had tension in there relationship lately also, and I really don't know him from a hole in the wall. It also worries me that the ONLY time in my sons life he could not be consoled within 30 seconds was the night this guy was at our home without us. My son was really upset, screaming and looking scared and frantic, for about 10 minutes. It might not seem like a lot, but it is not like my baby. He can literally be consoled within 30 seconds since he was born a year ago, the only time he ever cried like that was when he had a 104' fever.

- Asked by milla, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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You are not over reacting. It is not time to socialize-she's on the clock, and she should be paying attention to your baby.

I would tell her that when she's working, she needs to work alone. Tell her that you don't want anyone else at the house. I strongly encourage you to install hidden cameras so you can see how she interacts when you are not there. It is your right as an employer to do that.

- Response by myndseye711, A Player, Female, 29-35, Denpasar, Fashion

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i think you are over reacting.

your son crying later that night has nothing to do with the boyfriend showing up to pick her up and your husband being a few minutes late.

if you are very very concerned, buy a nanny cam. or 3, living room, bedroom, baby room. that way you can check to see if she is doing her job and if she has visitors.

i know your a new mom....just chill out. it will not hurt your baby if the sitter has a visitor. i wouldnt want the bf hanging out all day, but if he drops by for the last 1/2 hr she is there, not a big deal.

- Response by galdeen, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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I would ask your son if he has any info if he is old enough to know if he had been there a while. I would not want a stranger in my home, and that is just what he is to you! I would say something to her.

- Response by kmf1, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Minneapolis, Who Cares?

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Yes, I would be upset... I would talk to her and say it like this, assuming she is a minor, I would tell her it potentially puts you in a bad position as she is still her parents' child, and you can't afford to be held accountable if anything should happen. good luck

- Response by foreal, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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I don't even have children and I'd be upset. I would certainly tell her that in the future she is not allowed to have any visitors while she is in your home caring for your child. Such distractions could be harmful to your child whom you have placed in her care.

- Response by Female, 56-65, Transportation

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Are you concerned that the boyfriend is inappropriately interacting with your son?

If so, then I think you are over reacting unless you know something about his previous behavior that you are not disclosing.

If you are concerned that she may not be taking care of your child by neglecting him for the boyfriend then perhaps you need to remind her what her purpose is...

- Response by siouxzen, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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what do you do for your self to relieve stress??

- Response by j3s5e, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Science / Engineering

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Depending upon your child's age this could be normal...the crying. As for the boyfriend...just talk to her and find out how long he's been there. Cut her some slack...you were late getting there and she has to have a ride home...maybe he was only there a few minutes...thats why they were outside. Just politely let her know that one of you must be there while he is there. It is your home and want her not to be distracted.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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The extended crying is unusual for your son so you are just looking for someone or something to blame. You found the scapegoat in the boyfriend because it makes you feel better to have an answer. That doesn't excuse the boyfriend being there, your babysitter disrespected your house rules and needs to be warned or let go.

- Response by glycerin, A Career Man, Male, 22-25, Seattle, Managerial

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If you don't trust her judgment, she probably should not be caring for your son. That's why I sacrificed to stay home with my children when they were young. In fact, now I work from a home office because I still don't trust others to care for my kids. I worked part time in a day care center and also did licensed home day care at one point, and personally I think daycare centers are safer (in general) than in home child care. There is some safety in numbers. That said, I think your baby just had a bad night (bad dream, tummy pain, or whatever)that had nothing to do with the boyfriend being there and mistreating him. I'm not saying the boy harmed him, but if you think he did, what does that say for your trust in your nanny? You either trust her enough to protect your son against any and all danger or you don't. And if you don't, I think you need to investigate safer child care alternatives.

- Response by abitspoiled, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I don't think it is overreacting but I would think about the two events as separate. Depending on the actual age of your baby he could be entering 'night terrors' a normal and natural state wherein babies wake up unexpectedly and without cause and may take a bit longer to console.

That being said, I have never allowed babysitters to have any friends over as it is just a distraction from my children. I am paying for their services and don't want them distracted. I also ask them to keep off their phones/texting/etc. Babysitting should be as any other business and they need to be as professional as possible.

If she cares for your baby (and it seems she does), she won't mind and knows she can pick up her phone when the baby is asleep.

- Response by momto11, Female, 46-55, Home Maker

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I don't think her boyfriend being there had anything to do with your baby throwing a tantrum, which commonly start right around his age. I think if your son didn't like the boyfriend he would have been crying when you arrived home, not hours later.

Having said that, I wouldn't want someone I didn't know around my baby or at my home either which is why I don't use babysitters to begin with. I do think it's a good sign that they were sitting outside though, it shows that your babysitter thinks enough of you that she didn't have the guy in the house while you weren't there. Tell her that from now on he isn't allowed to be there when you're not there and if she needs a ride home you'll gladly supply her with one. This will prevent him from ever needing to come over. Also, if you're worried about what might be going on in your home when you aren't there you should consider installing a nanny-cam which you can purchase at www.nannycam.com. Be forewarned, they are expensive to purchase but the peace of mind they provide is priceless!

- Response by houseworkmakesyaugly, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35

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I would be a little upset too. I wouldn't want her to have her boyfriend there while she is supposed to be babysitting. I don't think that had anything to do with your baby getting upset like that however. Anything could've made him upset. He is getting at that age to start cutting some of those back teeth. My daughter has started with the back teeth and she gets cranky out of nowhere. She didn't react that way to the front ones.

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

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You are putting way too much into this and it is really very simple: Which is more important to you, your child's comfort and security, or you babysitter's feelings? I am a mother of two (both are now over 18 years), baby sitters come and go, the psychological make-up of your child does not.

As a mother, you instincts are always correct, follow them, regardless of whether you can rationalise them or not; instincts are intuition oriented (and they are there to protect us) they are not logically reasoned arguments.

Another point beside all of this, whomever you contract with to do a babysitting job, should be the only person around your child and in your home. Boyfriends should be there for social time, not for babysitting (work) time!

- Response by amistad, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, Seattle, Self-Employed

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It is quite possible your son woke up because he was in pain cutting his teeth, however it coincided with her boyfriend being there that night. Being a mother it is natural you would wonder - not that he did anything to your son.. he could have just said hello to him and, being a new and unfamiliar face, gave way to him waking.. I can understand how as a mother, what you would immediately think, but I doubt it, I go with the teeth theory that just happened to coincide with the boyfriend being there, which understandably unnerved you as it would any caring loving mother - you put your trust in your babysitter. As a mother myself I can understand your concern when you found he was there.. then your son waking up crying which doesn't happen. Its natural. My gut feeling is that your worries are foundless, just have a talk with her that no one comes while you're not ther because it worries you and that your husband will take her home or you'll call for a taxi.

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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