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How do I get over a guy who uses me for sex?
Dating / 12:58 AM - Thursday April 01, 2010

How do I get over a guy who uses me for sex?

I'm a grown, attractive, intelligent woman in my mid 30's, but when it comes to men, I'm a complete idiot! For the past 6 months, I've been seeing this guy I met through a mutual friend. When we first met, he took a liking to me. But as I developed an interest in him, he lost interest in me. But he has always been eager to have sex with me.

He told me that he isn't interested in a relationship with me, but really likes me, is attracted to me, and likes spending time with me. And although the right side of my brain knows that I should take that and run, the left side is somehow "hoping" that he will eventually allow himself to want to be my man.

I really like this guy. He's unconventionally attractive, creative, mysterious, and the sex is good. I also know that he's got some issues with self-esteem and is addicted to marijuana, something that would typically be a no-go for me. When I'm around him, however, I just lose my mind. I even told him that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore because it felt like he only calls me when he wants to do that. But shortly after that conversation, we had sex.

It breaks my heart because the more I connect with him, the more I like him. And something is to be said about the fact that he calls me more nowadays than he did a few months ago. On the other hand, I know that he is only using me for sex.

How do I get over him?

Update: April 07, 2010.
Hey guys. Just wanted to send you guys a follow up. After finding out that he had been hitting up my girl friend for sex (she kept turning him down but he kept asking) and asking her if she had any other friends he could fx*k (I met him through her when I first moved to this town), I told him never ever to contact me again. I deleted his number from my cell phone and from my life. Of course I'm hurt, but I just needed something to hit me in order to let him go. Thanks again for your suggestions!

Update: April 02, 2010.
Thank you for your feedback. I guess I know what I need to do, its just a little hard. Yeah, I am getting something out of it. But at the end of the day, when I've been discarded, I realize it isn't worth it. I wrote this post when I was emotional. I've slept on it and now the glow is fading. My self-esteem isn't low and I am not codependent, weak, or stupid. Some of the responses are really insensitive and judgmental! What I am/was/have been is attracted to (not only physically) a guy I see for his potential. I realize that I need to see him for who he IS TODAY. Thanks again for your responses.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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You get over him by OPENING YOUR EYES and viewing yourself the same way he does.

He is using you and that should bother you terribly. And, it will not change. These never do. They began with the wrong priorities and order.

He knows how you feel and will only use that weakness against you. He does not believe that you will stand by your decision to stop seeing him. He believes he has you under his spell in bed.

Have a bit of self respect and just realize what you are giving up by staying with him. You are removing yourself emotionally from the dating pool. And, as a result you are removing any possibility of finding a person that could truly love and adore you.

Bottom Line, you are going to regret this time that you wasted, AFTER he stops seeing you. That will happen and he will have total control of WHEN. I would hate another person (who does not care for me), having that much control over my life.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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You have to have more faith in yourself in that you'll find someone else that will want to spent more time with you outside of the bedroom. The more you have sex with him, the harder it will be to let go. You are getting yourself emotionally involved when you know he is not ready for any kind of commitment. So how do you break it off, say no and don't back down from it. I know it's easier said than done but you have to think of yourself here if you want more than what he can give you.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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You need to tell him that you won't be able to have sex with him anymore until he decides to commit to you and have a relationship. If he sticks around and can accept that then maybe you two may have a chance, otherwise you need to break all contact with him immediately. This guy is just destroying your self esteem by everytime you allow him to use you. Also a guy that has addictions of any kind is never a good catch because his addiction will always come first, not you.

- Response by A Sportif, Female, 36-45, Vancouver, Who Cares?

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How can you like some one who uses you.You deserve much better than that.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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This is an AMAZINGLY hard thing to figure out...so here goes;

STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM OR TAKING HIS CALLS!!




- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Hi,

first of all I typed out 3 pages of answer and forgot my password so all had gotten deleted haha go me.
Now to the answer....I am really sorry you have to go thru this and trust me I know oh so well how you feel. My situation was somewhat different in that it lasted 3.5 years and at the beginning the guy actually told me he wants a relationship and not long after started to just have sex with me not even calling me his girlfriend ( we moved in together), i was doing all the work at home ALL of it ( him explaining it was for my own good so i feel accomplished since i lost my job - now I am also attractive 30 years old with a good education and generally can deal with anything cept for men it seems). One thing I can say for me this was heartbreaking experience I had tried to move on and almost managed until he came back saying we have relationship all of a sudden and that he wants to be with me for real - I gave in - 3 months of great sex and wonderful time together he tells me - oh no - i am his friend he "respects" me and he is sleeping with me only for sex nothing more and that eventually we would stop sleeping together completely anyways.....run away cut the cord stop talking to him no matter how difficult it is. Go out do your own thing be with friends. He is obviously disrespecting you and i am 100% sure that there is a man out there who will give you what you deserve. Take this experience as good sex time, which is what clearly he is doing. IF he wanted to be with you then he would be with you now not later NOW. He is keeping you on the hook because it is easy for him he gets what he wants - sex no responsibility and unless you want the same thing cut the cord and do it now before 3 years pass and you feel like heart broken like me. It does not feel good and leaves you bitter. Hugs and I hope you can do it not just for you all of us who have been in the same situation

- Response by blurb22, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Hun .. he not going to change he has issues and u deserve so much better. Please for yourself find the strength to stop all contact with him. move on heal u and find a man who respects and luvs u for U and all of U not just for sex. .
U have great advise in here .. Please take it all in and move on .. u deserve so much better.

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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How do you get over him? Stop answering his calls, and don't hang out with him. Also, try going out on some dates with other guys, but make sure they want more than some ass from you. Best of luck.

- Response by howjm, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Managerial

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Don't accept something you don't really want. There are other men out there that DO want a relationship and the sex that goes along with it. You don't have to settle for sex with a great looking guy, that you know is there for the f*ck buddy relationship. Yeah, he is going to call more. He'll do whatever will have you thinking that he "might" be changing. He's not. Move on. So, he looks good. He's getting everything he wants, while you just hope while looking up at the ceiling.

Please realize you're worth more than this, and you deserve the type of relationship you want. He's already got addictions you know are not good, why do this to yourself. You get over him, by realizing you want more, you deserve more, and yes, there are other men out there that you'll feel the same desires for as you do this man. He's not the only great lover out there!

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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You had a low self esteem before you've met him - he is not your problem - YOU are!

so something that will make you feel special and valued in your own eyes and then it will be easy to kick him to the curb - the You who truly loves yourself will not tolerate being used, not even for a second.

You'll laugh in his face and walk off - you won't accept this bullshit, when you are full of confidence and self-respect.

You'll think he's lost his mind thinking what he gives you is acceptable



- Response by rubyrednotdead, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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It's very hard for us women to have sex with a man and not connect with them emotionally. Sex seems to mean a lot more to a woman than to a man, and it forms a bond between her and the man that is not easily broken, whereas he can zip his pants up and go on with his life. Yes, he does sound like he's using you, and you deserve better.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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I could've written this question. I'm in the same exact situation. I understand how hard it is to let go when you're constantly hoping that his feelings will change, and that he'll feel the same feelings as you do. I make myself think about all of the bad things about him, that's the only way that I can move on.

- Response by pinkgingerbaby, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Medical / Dental

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Same situation here. Been in a relationship or what I thought it was for close to 5 years. Finally we have been apart for about 7 months, and i still was not ready to let go and I called him and we had sex once last week. I called him tonite and he didn't say anything about going out, or if anything was going to happen. I know I have really low self-esteem, is there any hope?? I mean I went 7 months with no contact and wham i was just back in there again (maybe like an addict for a fix) I think I need slapped (not literallY!!)

- Response by suebrush13, An Alternative Girl, Female, 56-65

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Cut ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ties. No sex, and then NOOOO contact (phone, email, text, snail mail, pigeon message, telegram)

- Response by king313, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Detroit, Civil Service

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it sounds like you like the sex to me, and you are looking for the women to validate that- but they arent. you like this arrangemtn on some level.. however, you will have problems eventally with the drug use- you said he is an addict and that means you will get used... but you do like the sex and you admit it.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55, New York, Who Cares?

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use your seductive powers. your a woman!

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Boston

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You could have sex with me ...... at least until you get mind off of him!

- Response by handsomedetroitguy, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Detroit, Political / Government

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Something in you doesn't want a commitment either. You like him more b/c he doesn't push you.

- Response by annandfam, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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