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I don't want to give an ultimatum, but what options do I have?
Dating / 5:04 PM - Tuesday March 30, 2010

I don't want to give an ultimatum, but what options do I have?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and living together for over 1 year. We have been talking about marriage for the entire 5 years we've been together. We both have stable successfull careers. I'm afraid that I have become his "wife" without him ever having to purpose because I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I know he wants to marry me, he tells me on a daily basis, but I refuse to wait another 5 years. What do I do?

- Asked by Female, 26-28

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Propose to him? It's not an ultimatum, but he'll have to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak. How he responds would give you some insight into his true intentions.

- Response by mikehug, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Cleveland

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Community Rating: Community Star

Tell HIM what you told US. Nothing ventured, nothing gained....


Maybe if you're not living with him, being his wife, then he would want to think about it?

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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Ask him to marry you. If he's not up for it, be prepared to make a decision on your own. You don't have to give him an Ultimatum. You just do what you need to for yourself if you aren't getting what you want out of this.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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If he won't ask you propose to him and if he saids no then you got your answer.

- Response by wandatrick91, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?

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This might not be the answer you're looking for but propose to him. Get the ring and everything.
See what he says.
If he makes any excuse, he really doesn't want to marry you.
Good luck and I'd love to hear about the result.

- Response by redblue4u, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Montreal

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why destroy a good thing. its obvious to me the YOU want to get married. if you have been together for 5 years, there must be something good there. Heck, I'd hire a maid/cook if you wanted to stop doign those things for you if it was me. Are there other reasons he may be concerned about (financial liability)? You can do-or-die it anytime- and try to play him into it, but if he really wated that- he would have already done it. What are you really after anyways?

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55, New York, Who Cares?

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tell him you need him to make you an honest woman. and if marriage is not in the cards, then be honest with you now, so you can get on with your life.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Well since he has told you many times he wants to marry you start planning the wedding. Simple as that.

Pick a few dates to get married on and show him, ask if any of those dates work for him. Start a guest list for the wedding. Write down a budget. Show all this to him he will then realize its time to up his game and go get that ring!

- Response by curious_cat67, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55

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Only one - move out.


I honestly don't even know where to begin on this one.


First: You moved in together without even getting engaged?!

What were you hoping for - that one day he'd wake up and say: "Hey, I really like this, why don't we change it"?

or maybe: "I really like you and I like living with you, but I don't think I like it enough to get married"??

If you're not married or even engaged and you move in together hoping it turns into more, you're going to be disappointed, because there is no place to go from there but DOWN.


Second: You've been together 5 years - how old are you both?

If you've been together since your teens, then move on, he's not the 'man' for you. You've just gotten used to being with each other, and he's taking you for granted. He is NOT seeing you as that "special someone" he wants to be with "until death do us part."


Third and most importantly, you gave him something for nothing.

Big mistake. Men (or guys) do NOT respect or care for anything we get easily. You are giving him all the benefits of marriage, without having to make the commitment, or apparently even having to do any work for it. You made it too easy, and you are still doing the heavy lifting.


Now, you need to look at yourself and ask some hard questions...

If you gave him an ultimatum tomorrow and says "okay," what do you get?

You will get for yourself - until death do you part - a guy who will only do what you want when you kick him in the ass.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life kicking his ass to get him to do the things you think he should do?!?

Don't you think you deserve better than that??

Why push him to be that, when there are surely men out there (not guys) who will gladly treat you like you deserve??


If you end this tomorrow, what have you learned?

Because this "relationship" is already over, but he's too lazy to pull the plug, and you are still too afraid to. Rather than admit that you made a mistake, you would rather "invest" more and more energy in this failed "relationship" rather than moving on and finding a worthy partner. Respect yourself, demand respect for yourself. Here, you haven't, so you don't have it.

Save the heroic efforts for your marriage - not every relationship is worth fighting for. That's another lesson you have yet to learn...


Admit your mistakes.
Learn from your failures.
See that they didn't kill you.
Grow wiser and get stronger.
Move on.

Have a nice life

:-)


- Response by cd92835, A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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Propose to him, or set him an ultimatum. But then keep by it.

Doesn't mean he doesn't WANT to marry you; he just probably kinda forgot about it or pushed it to the back of his mind.

- Response by stumpedgirl, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Administrative

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There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want out of life. Either he is on the ride with you, or not. People assume an ultimatum has to be a bad thing, when actually it can be the one thing that moves your life forward, either together, or seperately. He has all the dynamics of a marriage, without the commitment, and I can see why you want more. Stand your ground and ask for what you want and need. Besides if he doesn't come around, then actions speak louder than words.

- Response by lk2mvit, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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No, you don't want to give him an ultimatum. Why would anyone want a proposal because the person felt forced to make the decision, instead of, desiring to do so? Shouldn't he feel just as secure in knowing you're the one he loves and desires to share and invest everything about his life in and with? Wouldn't it be better knowing that they truly trusted you, loved you, and believed you to be worth it so much that they are willing to take any legal risk that reflects all that? You do however, have options. You could let him know that you feel enough time has passed that you he should know if he wants to marry you. Because, you believe after all of this time, he should truly know if you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, just as you know he's the one. Or, you could leave this relationship on good terms and open up your chances of meeting a man that desires the same thing from his relationship with you. I mean, just because your boyfriend "says" he wants to marry you, this is not evidence that he actually does. If so, why hasn't he proposed? You've been together for 5 years and have lived together for one.

He ought to know by now if you're the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and worth more than any loss he could take or risks that could come from his decision to marry you. You're investing time, energy, obligations, responsibilities, finances, your body, mind, soul, and heart, in this man. Because, you believe that much in your judgment and trust of this man. However, if something were to happen, say a death or the relationship ends, where would the evidence be that you truly did invest in this relationship? You've both been in the same relationship for the same amount of time, so what's keeping him from knowing without a doubt that you are the one for him, forever? You both are investing in the same relationship and love, and the risks would be the same for the both of you. You're willing to take it, apparently aside from lip-service, he's not. And, no what you have is not the same type of commitment that marriage is or would bring. Yeah, he could love you, truly admire the person you are, and claim he's been with you for all of these years and doesn't want anyone else. But, not enough to legally commit to the fact that he truly believes this about you.

They'll give you every excuse in the world for why it shouldn't matter. But, it's really just fear or not knowing you're the one for life. Personally, I think it will always be hard for someone to take the risks associated with legally marrying someone, when they're already getting everything a husband would get, without having to risk anything. And, believe me; it's the fear, lack of trust, and risk that really make it hard to make that decision to marry someone. Especially, if they've been involved with this person for years, living like they're married. It's a trust issue. Whether they don't trust the person in their life, or themselves for marriage. Marrying someone is an indication that you love this person enough to have it legally recognized. That, you don't believe there is any other person that would be worth as much to them as you are. And, they are so sure of this love, that they believe you to be worth any possible risks later if it doesn't work out. It means you both are legally investing the same amounts of everything including all of the possibilities of risks associated with the decision to do so.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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Doesn't sound like quit like an ultimatum. At least not entirely; Its more like he's stalling for some reason. Marriage is a life-time (well its SUPPOSE to be a life-time..) commitment. He could be afraid to take that leap and likes the idea of attachment without the strings.

If you use an ultimatum on him, it may turn out all wrong. Have you two discussed possible would-be dates for the unseen wedding to be taken place? That's a pretty direct hint. And fair.

I would gather him and sit down with him to let him know you don't want to wait another five years on something that could be done even now. Is it fair? Hardly. Five years is a long-term relationship. Not much difference other then the vows. You know him well enough, use what you know and address it. If he's been with you this long, he'll most likely listen to you. Adds up that way.

- Response by authorgirl, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Student

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I have to mention that do you have an expectation that you wanted to get married in five years. What is on your mind is that you have these expectations and fear taking over you. Also, you need not to cook and clean every time. You can have him take part on it. I also, believe that you should get engaged first then move in. But that is me on that one because I value my time. Anyway, if you want to get an answer I agree with randyl. Just sit with him and say look I am not happy being here. When a guy hears that his woman is not happy he will try to change it, but don't pout or convince him. Tell him about that you want him to share the responsibility with the cleaning a cooking. Also, it sounds that you don't have other activities and you are only living for him not for yourself. So I suggest that you find a hobby that will be your own. You are not expereince things that you can say that is your time to be you. Once you do this, your guy will want to make you happy and when he sees you happier with yourself, he will want to be with you more. If he feels that he doesn't want to make you happy by not helping you as any good partner would do, then you can decide to move out and give some space from him and meet other people. That way you can valuate if you wan to be with him or still date him and see if we chases you and want you back and maybe this will make him propose. Don't propose to him at all.

- Response by womanv, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, New York, Self-Employed

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he's not goin to marry you so move on !
married life is overrated anyway
why would he buy the cow when he's drinking the milk for free !
time to MOOOOOO ve on baby
quit living in the future and appreciate the moment
your too immature to get married -the person you attracted porves that

- Response by tpass419, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Alternative Medicine

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and it's propose not purpose .
forget him gettin you the ring -he will marry his side piece in about 6 years

- Response by tpass419, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Alternative Medicine

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Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage." -- Submitted by answerology member, "Bubbly"

- Response by tpass419, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Alternative Medicine

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don't propose to him
that is like someone offering him a job he does not desire !!
he's just not into you -atleast as a wife
"Nothing personal"


- Response by tpass419, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Alternative Medicine

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Your young, and to be honest although 5 years may seem like a chunk of your life believe me it's not. I don't encourage anyone to move in together for me it's a no, no. But since you two already living together I think you should ask yourself some really serious questions, why is it you want to get married? It is pressure from family and friends, second,are you both really ready, because although you have been dating for 5yrs both of you are just starting the process of getting to know each other (cause you only really know someone when you share your space)and finally, how will this change your lives. Society will teach you that marriage is something everyone should rush into, but I think this is the time where you two have an opportunity to really get to know each other...and at the end of the day if you find that when you think of your life you can't imagine it without each other, that is when you will know your ready.....I knew I waanted to marry my husband when I couldn't imagine what my life would be without him..

- Response by loislane69, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, New York, Self-Employed

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Ultimatums dont work hun and applying pressure to get married makes a man run.... far away .
U are in a defacto relationship now and chores are apart of the norm. Ok so u have talked about marrage for along time .. Propose to him ,U will have your answer then and know if his intentions are true to marry . concentrate on getting engaged before talking and preparing wedding plans . One step at a time . Let us know how u get on .. Goodluck

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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Move out, say whats on your mind, express your theory of your position with him and your wants

- Response by mrbrokenbear, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65

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On the one hand, five years is a long time. On the other hand, if you are still under 25, you're pretty young, and there should be no rush.

Rather than wondering why he doesn't want to marry you, maybe you should be asking whether you want to be with someone you met when you were so young. If you are sure you want to be with him, don't give an ultimatum, but ask him to lay his cards on the table. If he says, "not now," ask when, and if he say, "in 2-3 years," then tell him you are going to start planning the wedding and see how he reacts.


- Response by tomtomcat, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, New York, Teaching

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NEVER give a man an ultimatum, for even if he were to marry you it would not be real for it's not from the heart. NO MAN wants to be forced into anything for it's simply a type of blackmail and if you are SO much more concerned about just the IDEA OF BEING MARRIED than being with the man himself then your priorities are mixed up..as usual for most women.

For women don't as much care about WHO they married as just the idea of BEING married more. Where as to men, the idea of marriage is more akin to being in prison since he loses far too much of his natural freedoms and independence with all that women demand than when he is single, especially with the laws being SO much in favor of women and against men in all aspects of marriage and divorce today, not to mention that 75% of women today are the ones that a re filing for divorce too.

Men are happy just being WITH the woman and in a relationships and having a companion, we don't need the idea of being married to be content. Why is it that women never do ANYTHING without always looking to get paid back in some form. Your only doing the cooking, cleaning and such in the hopes of getting him to eventually marry you, which is simply a form of trade or blackmale. It seems that most women can't do anything simply out of a pure and giving heart and have to always look to "get paid" in some form as opposed to just be happy that you have someone that is with you and to share and enjoy your life with, especially if everything is good overall.

Marriage TOO often only makes things worse because expectations, especially those of women, only increase and thus women now expect even MORE petty and pitiful demands upon the man and you seek instant revenge when he doesn't dance to the tune that your playing and follow the "female marriage/relationship rulebook" that only WOMEN know about and ASSUME that men know about but don't.

Then so many women wonder why men today are so slow to get married..because there is virtually nothing in it for men expect more aggravation, loss of freedom, demands and frustration, loss of money and resources and in the case of divorce, which the odds are against him that he'll stay married, he stands to lose faar more!. So look at it from the man's point of view and you'll know why he's so hesitant. He's obviously happy with the way that things are, so why rock the boat!

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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