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Would you date someone you were not physically attracted to?
Dating / 9:58 PM - Sunday March 28, 2010

Would you date someone you were not physically attracted to?

I work in retail and I have a customer who is interested in me. His family works with me, so he comes in to the store a lot. I talk to him all the time, and feel comfortable with him. His niece told me that he is interested in me, but he hasn't asked me out, yet. I was going to school full time and working part time. I have recently finished with school, and he knows this. He is very nice, has a good job, is a good dad, and would definitely treat me good, but I am not attracted to him physically. As I get older, the sex part doesn't play as big a part with me, but I still want it. I would rather have a guy who is good to me. I just can't picture myself being "intimate" with him, he just doesn't do it for me that way. I have thought about being a cougar with all the hot young guys out there!(I am 38, but I look like I'm 20.) Sometimes I feel like I am acting desperate, because I am getting older. But I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. I get hit on by a lot of older (50 - 70 y/o) guys. No one my age seems to show any interest in me. This guy is close to my age. Am I being shallow? Or should I hold out for that guy who really does it for me?

- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Retail

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well this question is simple! would you marry a man you didn't love?
fact of the matter is, don't settle! if your 80 yrs old, understandable, who wants to die alone?! fact is your still young! if you look as good as you say you do it's a bonus! i know i personally couldn't date someone i wasn't attracted to, so i know where your coming from. it's not shallow it's just a preferance of who your attracted to from who your not! were all human, and where looks may not be the main ingredient it does play a pretty big part! seeing how he didn't ask you out don't worry about it! if he does, tell him you'd prefer to be friends and don't mix pleasure with buisness! after all you did say you work with his family right! make him a good friend, and who knows if it's meant to be in the future it may be, and his looks may just grow on you, because other genuine parts of him stand out!

- Response by ineedamiracle, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Toronto, Who Cares?

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Your talking about a date not planning a life with this person :) You feel comfortable talking with him, so go to a movie, dinner or something. If you decide your not interested in him romatically then tell him. At the very least you might just make a good friend.

- Response by birdland, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

You're 38 and already throwing in the towel on sex? No wonder you don't have a man. It should STILL play a BIG part of your life. You're not 78 yet, so phooy on you for not making sex still be important as it WILL be with any man you connect with.

NO, you should not date someone you are not interested FULLY.

And the reason "no one" your age seems interested is that the majority of men in your age range ARE married or in a long term relationship. The "pickins" at your age are difficult and to meet a quality man who has a lot to offer, YOU have to actively seek him out. You can't just expect him to come knocking on your door.

So, to recap, get your libido back; your confidence back and don't go leading men on that you're not attracted to by going out with them for a free meal or to "be nice".

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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What's the point of dating someone if you don't want to have sex with him at some point?

- Response by bliss0392, A Thinker, Female, 22-25

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From experience, I have to say wait for it, don't settle. You'll be hurting both of you.
You CAN have it all but you won't find what you're looking for if you're with the wrong guy.

- Response by chchia, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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Well, you won't look like a 20 year old forever. And even now, how many 38 year olds could truly pass for 20?

Really.....it's one thing to look good and healthy and youthful and be able to pass for younger than you really are.

Trying to pass for a 20 year old when you're pushing 40 is something else.

If you're pulling it off right now, kudos to you.

But again....THAT is not going to last.

You said he's pretty much everything you ever wanted....but...you're just not attracted.

Ask yourself why you're not attracted. If it's because you find him repulsive, that's one thing, and of course you should not be expected to date him.

If he's a presentable looking guy who just doesn't happen to do it for you,, again, no reason to feel guilty about not wanting to date him. Somewhere out there is a woman who IS attracted to and crazy about him. Let go of your ego and let him be free to find her.

If he's a "hot" guy who does it for you but treats women horribly, grow up already and realize that you deserve better.

In the meantime, be patient. Somewhere out there is the one, and it's not about sex or money or status or reputation or anything else other than that soul connection. If you have that, you've got your love life down. If you don't, keep moving forward, but don't settle.




- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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truth time: physical attraction is important in the beginning. however physical attraction is not the cement of a good relationship. friendship is the true glue of great relationships. the thing is cutting yourself off from people simply because of looks can prevent you from having a guy who will adore you for the rest of your life in your life. if you determine your relationships solely based on physical attraction then you are setting yourself up to be treated like dirt on a consistant basis. in my opinion you have nothing to loose by going out with this guy....many women fall in love with things that are not physical. remember your looks will fade someday...and well if our relationship is based on looks then ou will find yourself traded in for a better looking model...which wont be a good feeling. now if after getting to know him better you still just dont have the juices flowing, then you need to continue your search elsewhere.

by the way you need to get "out there" you are just not looking in all the right places for dates. think about things like church groups and maybe even posting an online profile.

- Response by sirkermittsg, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Dallas, Transportation

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You said: I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone.

Therefore, this is not the road for you to take. Be kind and leave this man alone.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Technical

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Why on earth would you (or anyone that posted) date someone to whom they have no attraction? That is the whole point...otherwise just marry your best girlfriend. Trust me, if you are not attracted now, there is zero long term potential. I cannot stress enough the importance of physical chemistry. There are factors but this one is huge.

- Response by socialbutterflye, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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I have the same issue right now. Truth be told, we may think we look 20 ( I feel this way) but to the world we are our age. It's a sophisticated world, and we aren't fooling anybody.
So if this guy is nice and you feel comfortable with him, then give it a try if he asks you out. The cougar thing is so last year. No one is attracted by that stale maneuver, so just be your self and don't try so hard to make a reality that isn't happening.


I have someone calling me right now who is not my type. Small, meek, etc. But as I get to know him better he is very likable and easy to talk with. He is healthy and we have the same interests. Of course we al want the sizzle we see in movies or we had in our 20's. But we have changed and mellowed with age no matter how well we dress up our outsides, we are our age in our cells and in our being.
I say give this guy a chance. Relax and let life happen on life's terms.

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

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I'd go out a couple of times with him, figure out how I feel when we're together. Sometimes when you get to know each other better, you start seeing things in them that you initially didn't. You will know though if there's no connection there. Sometimes you see someone and you are instantly attracted to them and sometimes you find something in that someone after getting to know them better. So you never know until you're around them, so find out. If there's nothing, then you just let it go.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Medical / Dental

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You're between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry you don't have any feelings of wanting to be intimate with him as I feel he would be a good man for you.

Do you think you could TRY?

Sometimes, believe it or not, if you date someone you don't have those special feelings for, they CAN about LATER as you get to know them better and find they are really everything you ever hoped for in a man.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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i think it wouldnt hurt to go out with him .. i have know a lot of unattractive guys who ususally i wouldnt give a thought to going out with but as i spent time with them i feel an even deeper attraction than what is physical

- Response by morena1112, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Yup, sure would. But, they better have an awesome personality!

- Response by ashmcawesome, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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No.

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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mmmm has to be a "LITTLE" bit of attraction - or it will be SOOOO hard! hehe

however,im dating someone now who im not attracted to - but i like her personality; but we'll see.... spending my life with her though,i can tell you - no no

- Response by simz, A Hip Hop Guy, Male, Who Cares?, London, Student

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I think it depends on what you want right now - are you looking for a long term relationship that will eventually lead to marriage or are you just looking to date around for a while? Considering your age, I'd assume the former, but then again I don't know you at all. Here's the thing. If you aren't attracted to him, then it's not going to work out in the long term, so why bother leading him on? It will only hurt him and waste your time. If you think you may have a chance of developing an attraction in the future, then by all means, give it a shot. Just be careful with his feelings, no one likes a selfish, foolish flirt.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 18-21

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sorry, i thought i had some experience to share but i'm not sure that what i have to say on this would help you. just ignore this response.

- Response by divadancer2, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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I am available to help with the cougar thing.

- Response by whatdat, A Life of the Party, Male, 26-28, Denver

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Sorry to burst your bubble, but no one who is 38 looks 20. I am 51, and people sometimes think I am 35, but I know they haven't looked that closely! The fact that some people think it doesn't make it so...the real question is what does the AVERAGE person think?

On average folks think I am early to late 40s. In general, people look more youthful longer these days...my parents generation didn't go to the gym, or take vitamins, do you yoga, dress in more youthful styles, and such, or if they did, they were in the minority.

I can tell you right now...if you want to chase younger guys...they may look more buff, hotter, whatever, but most younger guys suck in bed (no pun intended). I don't mean to brag...not sure how or why...but when I was in my early 20s I was with a few older women who told me they couldn't believe how good I was in bed, because most guys my age (so they said) were clueless. One even asked me, "where did you learn all this?"

Obviously, don't go out with anyone you're not interested in...that's just not fair to that person, unless you've decided looks don't matter.

But if you want to be a cougar, I would stick with men over 30.

- Response by tomtomcat, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, New York, Teaching

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