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My girlfriend had an abortion, what is usually the aftermath?
Family & Parenting / 6:21 PM - Friday March 26, 2010

My girlfriend had an abortion, what is usually the aftermath?

After much discussion and agreement that this is the right choice to do for both of us, my girlfriend and I decided that she would get an abortion due to many factors that would ruin both our and the baby's life if it was born. She did.

We both love each other but I'm worried that she would feel resentment or negative feelings against me because of going through this. What is the best way to deal with this emotionally and psychologically so that the relationship becomes stronger? I understand she might be feeling depression for a little while, so I'm trying to find the best way to comfort her.

Update: March 26, 2010.
Thanks to all your responses. I'm trying the best I can. One of the main reason why we took that decision was that she already has two kids from two different fathers (previous relationships) so we don't want that mistake to happen again. Let alone other socio economic factors...etc It's just not right to make this mistake happen again, that's why the decision taken. Early in the relationship way before all this we agreed that if this happens, we'll seek abortion. I admit, we were being irresponsible, but we're trying to fix it. Also, to those mentioning that post-abortion depression stays with a woman for life, please provide scientific evidence or any case studies and I'm willing to believe this.

- Asked by Male, 29-35

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Yes, of course be there and be supportive. Let her know that you agee with her decision and stand by her.

Keep away from people who are judgmental. If she goes to a support group, please don't go to a church one - they always try and make you feel guilty.

I have more than one friend who had an abortion years ago, and not one of them is depressed and none of them have been adversely affected "for life." It was a tough decision, but they are confident they did the right thing and they do not regret it and do not dwell on "due dates" or any of that. People who make it sound like your gf's emotional state will be messed up forever over this, are wrong. It doesn't have to be that way - as long as she isn't around people who will point disapproving fingers at her and bash her for her choice.

One of my friends who had an abortion when she was very young, went on to have a great career and is now the mother of a 12 year old wonderful little girl. She is happy and enjoying her life and her child. She does not think about the "what if" scenario at all. People can "what if" themselves to death over *anything* and drive themselves crazy.

Take care and good luck.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Just be supportive. It may hit her at odd moments-when she sees a baby commercial on TV-when she holds a baby for the first time. It may happen for months and years to come. My guess is that although you did the right thing, she WILL regret it. She will wonder about what the baby would have been like, etc. This is what happens to most women--the what ifs. Just be very patient and supportive. As long as you are, she won't blame you. You BOTH made the decision.

- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Managerial

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I haven't experienced this personally, but I have been with someone as they worked through a miscarriage. I understand it's not exactly the same thing, but it's along those lines. At any rate, I think you'd help her by being very loving, and always listen to what she has to say. Be there for her, emotionally and physically. Show her that you care too. Listen to her when she needs you to. Do things for her. Anything that you can think of.

- Response by fortminor123, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25

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Make sure she gets counselling, it can effect people in different ways. Be supportive of her and make sure she knows that you love her. If you are working towards a common goal esp one that involves the possibility of children in the future you will get through this.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 29-35

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This will stick with her for the rest of her life. There may be times when she "forgets", but for the most part, she'll know when her "due date" is near year after year, and year after year, she'll think, "My child would be one year old today. My child would be starting school this year. My child would be in high school.." Again, this will be with her for life.

The best thing you can do is be supportive, but additionally, don't forget this. Don't let her be the only one mouring the life that never happened. Allow her to talk. If you guys are together a year from now, and you notice that she's not herself around the anniversary of the abortion or around the anniversary of what would have been the birthdate of your aborted child, say something TO HER, "Hey, a year ago we went through this...a lot has happened in a year, huh?"

She's not going to feel depression for a little while. She's going to feel depression off and on for LIFE. AND don't think, however many years from now, when she does give birth to her next child, she'll have moved on and won't be thinking about this aborted child...she will.

Right now, her body is having to adjust BACK to it's non-pregnant state, and that can be really horrible physically - she could experience post-partum depression type symptoms because her body is doing the same thing it would have if she had actually given birth. So, be patient. Be understanding. It make take months for her body to get back to normal. It may take much longer for her spirit to heal.

Just like a woman who gave birth, your GF cannot have sex until her body has healed. Respect that and don't pressure her for sex. While you're not having sex, talk about the birth control options you have and decide which plan to use so this doesn't happen again.

Women talk...and the talking is more "processing" than, just listen when she talks. Don't say anything. Don't interrupt. Just ACTIVELY listen - turn the tv off, turn your cell phone off, hold her close, look at her as she speaks, nod, and do not try to "fix" and do not "interrupt" and do not act like what you're feeling is anything as intense and what she's feeling (because women bond with that child the MOMENT they get a postive pregnancy test - men don't). And she may have to talk about this again and again and again, and each time, you need to just take the time to actively listen. You may be tired of hearing it, and you may feel that talking about it again isn't going to change what happened, but women need to "process", so all that's require of you is to listen, so listen. If you do that, you're helping her emotionally and psychologically.

- Response by kiki812, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I think she needs to have some support from an Abortion Support Group. Rarely is a couple able to move on past the emotions associated with abortions without some sort of negative consequences. So seek some Professional support for her or for both of you.

Good luck

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Part from physical aspects, abortion is a deep emotional trauma too.

She needs constant physical companionship & emotional support from your side for at least 2 months.

- Response by counsellor, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Delhi, Self-Employed

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she should be worrying more about what God is thinking

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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