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He doesn't want to invite me to his birthday party because his ex's friends will be there. Problem?
Dating / 7:22 PM - Wednesday March 24, 2010

He doesn't want to invite me to his birthday party because his ex's friends will be there. Problem?

I have been seeing a guy for two months. We have not had sex, but have kissed. We are starting to discuss starting a relationship soon.

His birthday is Saturday. He told me his friends are throwing him a party. He did not invite me. When I asked why, he said the truth is it's because his ex-girlfriend's friends will be there, and he would feel uncomfortable and he also doesn't want me feeling uncomfortable.

I pretended I was okay with it, so he can enjoy his birthday in peace. But the truth is I am not. I am hurt. I am now considering whether to even bother. Should I walk away from this or understand and forgive him? The fact this makes him uncomfortable makes me think he's not over her yet.

Thoughts?


Update: March 24, 2010.
Just a little update: So I called him back and told him exactly how this makes me feel. And we both came to the conclusion that, you got it! He's not over the ex-girlfriend. He changed his mind and invited me, but yeah. As if. So there you have it folks, live and learn! A non-invite to such a function to a guy your dating/seeing is definitely a red flag. I guess I will remain friends with him for now, but yeah, back to the dating scene I go! Actually, I think I need a break from it to figure out why I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men.lol. Thanks to all who answered and Happy Wednesday!

- Asked by perpetuity09, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Student

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He's not a good boyfriend for excluding you, period!

And what does it mean "starting to discuss starting a relationship SOON"? Really, what the hell does that mean?

Given that, you're NOT his girlfriend and therefore he's NOT going to include you and would rather spend his time with his "ex". And it's NEVER good to date a guy who's not over another woman.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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If it were me, I'd want you there...and hangin' all over me like a cheap suit!

Do what you will, but he's definitely still carrying some baggage. Tread cautiously.

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Retired

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I'm sorry.......but if he does not want you to be with his friends because of his EX girlfriend's friends (he put them before you) I would dump him now before you invest more time into this relationship.

I don't care if it is his birthday, he is being hurtful to you with this kind of attitude and it is indicative of a person who is not sensitive or caring.

- Response by zibet58, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Teaching

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He's really hoping that his ex's friends will call his ex to come to the party. You are correct when you say that he is not over her yet.

- Response by birdland, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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You two just started seeing each other. You are not really in a relationship as by what you said earlier. I feel as though he is trying to protect you from the people he is still friends with that is close to the ex. Until he is ready to have you introduced to them go with the flow for now. But if this continues after you two are committed as exclusive, drop him like a hot rock. This is still new and he is on a rebound. He probobably is not over her.

- Response by lowmy, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Baltimore, Science / Engineering

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Not to burst you bubble, but he's clearly not over his girlfriend or if he is then he cares too much about what his ex's-friends are going to tell her. My boyfriend invited me to his friends little party on Monday he let me know that his ex's friends were going to be there and maybe she was too. And let me tell you it did not stop him from inviting me or wanting me to go. While we were there he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend and even to his ex's friends. Hi ex didn't go but her friends were sure there and keeping an eye on my bf and I. I was having a blast and smiling all the time, I knew they were going to tell his ex because they were staring constantly. (I felt important lol) but straight to the point, he shouldn't use the excuse of that he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable. That's b.s. I would also would feel hurt if I was in your shoes. There's a reason why they're not together anymore. Well good luck.

- Response by eddiethebetty, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 22-25, Los Angeles, Student

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My last ex likes to host a Holiday Party at her house for her friends from the riding stable.
She and I both had harrowing, life-threatening experiences last year, so it would have been nice to get an invite from her. I'd be able to offer my best to all the people who've supported my work, including my ex.
I heard not a word about the party until long after.
That would have been a good time to quit working for her other friends, but they finally ousted me by themselves.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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I can understand his reasoning for it and it is valid however in all fairness you shouldn't be excluded. If any should be excluded it should be the ex GF's friends as they are her friends not his. What baffles me is why he would want to be celebrating with them rather than you and his own family???? That for me would raise major flags long before the reasons he gave which in themselves were reasonable.

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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