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Dating's "unwritten" rules.
Dating / 10:28 AM - Wednesday March 24, 2010

Dating's "unwritten" rules.

Tonight I'm helping with a singles group discussion. I expect that the participants will come armed with their own issues and questions, but in case discussion starts slowly, I am putting together a short list of topics to toss out to start if needed.

One topic that I think might lead to interesting conversation is the idea of "unwritten" dating rules. Not common sense stuff (remember the other person's name) or safety issues (don't meet a blind date in a dark alley), but those "rules" that tell a person how to approach and hopefully woo the person who interests them.

Ones I've heard more than once are the suggestion that a person has to wait for three days following a date to contact the other person lest he/she appear desperate, and the advice that a woman should not accept a date to take place fewer than three days in the future, or she might appear to have an empty life, be "too available."

Whether you swear by tips like these or think they're immature, I'm interested in hearing what other "unwritten rules" you've heard or used in the past. Thanks.

- Asked by mikehug, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Cleveland

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My rule is to not follow any rules. Dating is far more interesting and you learn a lot more by being open to all possibilities (within reason). I've had a few duds but also a lot of fun in ways I couldn't have if I'd followed any particular Rule.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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i think being yourself is key to any successful relationship.

- Response by intuiton, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I think the call in 3 day rule is silly. If you want to call someone, then you should call them. Yet, saying that, someone who calls a thousand times a day will only attract a needy person. I also think you should save, your war stories, for another time ,as people want to have fun on a date, not listen to tales about horrible exes..Letting things take their natural steps versus planning seems to be the best advice. You mentioned about blind dates in dark alleys..I think the new thing of hanging out should be abolished and a man should pick up his date at her door and deliver her back safely to her door. Computer dates should be at a public place with a trusted friend knowing the whereabouts of the date. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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I emphatically do NOT agree with wating 3 days before calling. That is lame.


- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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One I see women here go by often and that drives me nuts is the idea that the woman should never initiate contact, that it's up to the guy to call, text, whatever first even deep into a relationship.

- Response by grinandbareit, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Administrative

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"Everything that happens in an interaction is related to VALUE." If a person projects value, that person becomes attractive. How to project value? One way is for a man to appear at a venue with another woman on his arm.
Most of it is evolutionary psychology. Secretly, every woman wants the man to initiate and take charge. She's allowed to make choices, but he has to lead. Scratch a women's libber, and you'll find a cavewoman.
When it comes to approaching, women want to use "Approach Invitation" to signal a man that they're interested. If he approaches cold, he puts himself in the *down* or supplicating position. Women like it that way, it gives them a power edge.
How to beat this game? The man makes a dodging approach, and leaves her. She then must re-approach him, if only to deliver a snub. That puts HER in the down position, and he now has the power edge.
I've read "The Rules" (for capturing the heart of Mr Right), and it's a crock of BS. It's written by, and for, women with no self esteem. It capitalizes on the fact that many men have none, either. Much of what The Rules are about is teaching women that ONLY men should initiate, and if the woman has to do ANYThing to encourage a man, it's wrong. It essentially gives women permission to view their own insecurity and low self esteem as positive attributes. The Rules become a screen to hide behind.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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Psychological studies show that all people decide if they want sex with someone within 5 minutes of meeting them. But, the "rule" for dating is "no sex until the 3rd date." Since both people have already decided, after about 5 minutes, the rest is all game playing.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Mike. I only suggest you to be open, not correct them constantly or have to "show" them you know more. That s the way you answered all my questions, and it doesnt open discussions. Good luck.

- Response by sailormoon, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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Actually, I think I've been oblivious to a lot of unwritten rules merely because I really do have the things that make one appealing to many people: a schedule, a career, goals, etc. If I had a date (when I was single) I had to automatically work around the other events of my daily life. I didn't have to think about APPEARING to have a life.

I think the key is simply to be a happy, active and fulfilled person. Once you really ARE this type of person, you don't have to remember any "rules" in regard to getting someone to want to be with you.

On the note of unhappy, and therefore undateable, people: I love how one of AO's perpetually single, old, fat males gave you a long list of his stupid notions about women. Apparently, he understands women so well he doesn't have to be single. ;)



- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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Very interesting where do i register lol (jk) :)

- Response by asianlovely13, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, London, Managerial

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