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The loss of your father
Family & Parenting / 9:04 AM - Saturday March 13, 2010

The loss of your father

I lost my father this week, it was so sudden, so unexpected. When you lost your father, where did you find refuge? What advice do you have? Do you have any kind of story to share about your Dad? I am in the new days post funeral. It still seems surreal, nightmarish and lonely. I never got a chance to say goodbye. I miss him so. It just hurts.

- Asked by graziella, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I am so sorry for your loss. And, my prayers are with you and your family during this time of extreme bereavement. My father is alive. And, all I could think about while reading your post is how much I feel like you're feeling about a father that is still alive, but passed away emotionally years ago. The relationship you had with yours was obviously so very loving. I've tried while I've had the chance over and over to have a loving relationship with a man that doesn't want it.

But, instead doesn't take advantage of the little time that is given us to enjoy and cherish the love, that so many others like yourself have lost. I grieve for my father and he is alive. And, I hurt dearly. I know this isn't about me. But, you asked if we had any story to share. And, although it isn't a happy story. I couldn't help but feel the pain. Unfortunately, that is mine. I cannot imagine the hurt you're feeling over physically losing your father unexpectedly. I know it hurt a lot. And, I pray that you are comforted during these times. You have my deepest sympathy.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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My father died suddenly too right after I had been told he would be fine. I never got to say goodbye to him either. At the time I didn't want to bother the rest of the family with my grief. I was wrong, because they took that to mean that I was dealing with it alright and I didn't get the help I needed. It extended my period of grief, and I finally went for counseling when I started having flashbacks of him and felt like I had post traumatic stress disorder. So I would say reach out to others and talk about it to get your feelings out. Last year both my remaining sisters died suddenly, and I didn't get to say goodbye to either of them. So I know how you feel over your father and family. Please take care of yourself--it is not selfish and is essential to help you.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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my condolences. we all have loss, and we all must grieve in our own way. for me, i needed solitude and to bawl like a baby. we all understand the pain. its natural. let it out hun. its ok.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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I'm so sorry. You life must be truly blessed. I didn't have a father like that, and either did my kids. I mourn ofter of the loss we didn't have. So, your pain is worse , because youdid know and fully love him. My words may not help but I used to tell my kids that God was their father on earth and in heaven. I told my myslf that many a time,,, They had to know that God was always th around them.. sometimes it didn't work . But Your Dad give you the gift of his prexence for as long as he could and you will keep it alive with your memories,,,,I am sorry.. God Bless you and your entire family.

- Response by foreal, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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I'm so sorry - you don't have to say goodbye, just remember all the good memories and the love you shared. My dad is a special guy and old school. He was always there for all of us and really true blue and great values. They don't make em like our dad anymore. He is getting on in years and it hurts to see him slow down. I value the chance to spend time with him and my mom now so much more than ever. God bless you and this too shall pass. Keep all the good memories in your heart, you pass the love on to others each and every day.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I'm sorry for your loss. :(

I lost my Mom a while back, and if it hadn't been for Myndseye, I'm not sure if I could have handled it.

Grief is a five-step process which we all experience at our own rate. Understand that you will have difficult times for a while, and find someone to share your feelings with. When you finally reach the 'acceptance' stage, life will smooth out again, I promise.

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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It will help to read Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' 'On Death and Dying'; it will bring clarity to your feelings. :)

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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My deepest sympathies for your loss.

It IS a terrible thing to get through. What helped me a bit was the realization that it is in the natural progression of time for children to bury their parents. It was cause to reflect and remember all of the valuable lessons my dad had taught me...and of all of the happy times we spent together. I took heart in the fact that my father had led a full and productive life...and knowing that he was loved by his family, his friends, his business associates and his community.

Try and dwell on the good things he past on to you while he was living...his accomplishments....the laughter and good times you had shared. Think of all of the lives he touched with his own.

It's been twenty years since I lost Dad. I STILL think of him everyday and miss him. But I know that he lives on in my heart. And THAT seems to lessen the feelings of loss.

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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oh graziella,

the pain of loss can be so over whelming as we sort threw all

that comes to our minds. I am sorry to hear about the loss of

your father , not having the opportunity to say goodbye , or tell someone that which is in your heart seems to always be
the most difficult.
when my dad died 30ty something years ago I only could feel a
relief. His life style was dangerous. I had seen a lot of drama with him that alway came to mind when I thought about him. So while I cared I was relieved that he was now safe.
I lost a brother the year before, this loss tore me up. I new my brother but had not seen him in years and was tormented by the thought that he never new that I loved him.
In this pain I came to lighting a candle , cause I new that from
the catholic influence.
I lite a candle for his spirit and prayed
I had a lot of anger /rage going on because my brother was killed in street fight. It was threw prayer that I found peace
there is a long story of many things in the brief moment of time

but to share what helped it was opening my heart and praying
I came to know things about my brother that I had no way of knowing and new that he felt my love.
I lite a candle for him for quiet a while after . I was in vigil I guess and it helped me to let go of the anger. I had a little girl and was pregnant . I could not afford the discord.

I know you will find your solace in all of this . It is the seekers who find.
And I am not a religious person , just of the heart and spirit.

- Response by morningdust, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my Dad two years ago. We were very close, and I still miss him terribly. So I feel your pain.

All I can offer in terms of advice is to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Allow yourself time to grieve. It might take a short time, or a long time... but at some point you WILL be able to think of him and not cry. You'll be able to think of your time with him and smile.

I hope that happens soon for you. *hugs*

- Response by piscesrising, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Boston, Internet / New Media

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between the ages of 29 and 36 i lost first my step dad ( greatest man on earth) my father and then my mom. its been 2 yrs with out any parents. its hard. remember him...laugh about his jokes and silliness. my sister and i laugh about them every time we talk.

- Response by galdeen, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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All I have to say is I am SO sorry for your loss graziella! You and your family are in my thoughts this week and for the next few to come.

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad last year. I don't have any sage advice but I do understand how you feel.

Hang in there gf.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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I am so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away May 2009. I was honored that I was holding his hand when he went.

It does seem surreal even though we were there. We all kept replaying the funeral, etc over and over in our minds because we could not believe it actually happened.

What comforted me the most was knowing how much he was loved by others, how I wish I could lead my life as he led his, the memories he left have been a blessing. We received so many cards and notes from people telling us how much he meant to them, how much an inspiration he was.

My Dad was 92 and he lived every moment of his 92 years. I know it sounds trite but the day WILL come when you will wake up and feel like your old self.

- Response by scooper, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Who Cares?

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my condolences to you and your family.

before he died, i said to him that although he and i had travelled very different paths in life, i admired him and would take care of things when he passed. i told him that i could never fill his shoes, but would walk a propper path to protect his legacy.

when the call came, i was at the jersey shore. all i had with me was shorts, a wife-beater tee and thongs. i drove directly from jersey to connecticut for the funeral, which was the next day.

not only did i find myself wearing his suit, shirt and tie, but i also wound up wearing his shoes to the gravesite.

- Response by two469, An Alternative Girl, Female, 18-21, Seattle, Science / Engineering

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I'm sorry for your loss. I know it is hard to believe as I lost both my parents suddenly and separately and never got to say goodbye either. Just know that he loves you and you love him and he is watching over you and lives in you as well. Just take one day at a time. I keep myself busy and it has been over 10 years for both of them. My Dad was always very generous and giving and was always fighting for the food bill at the restaurant even when I was pregnant. He let me pay that time I was prego as I said I would cry if he didn't. Just take each day at a time, be with your family and support one another.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I am so sorry my friend! My sincerest sympathies!!! I have not yet lost my father, others that are very close but not my father or mother yet. I am so sorry. Tell me about your father hun..... mine is one of those high IQ types that has a very wry wit and and incredibly funny sense of humour. I have had many memories with him, I don't know where to begin.....

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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I am sorry for your loss. My father has been passed 4 years ago next month. Its never easy. My father suffered a crippling aliment for 6 long years. In his case it came on slowly and progressivly go worse. Unlike you I did get the chance to say my final goodbye hours before he passed. Even knowing he was going when he finally died it was still hard.

- Response by shyguy63, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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I am so sorry for your loss.
I always thought if I lose any of my family I will get CRAZY.
Three years ago the man that I loved the most shredded my heart. Though, it was very painful, I will appreciate always that he gave me the biggest pain in life. Now, I cannot feel any pain anymore.
My mom and my uncle (the man who raised me like a father) passed away in the past two years. I felt NOTHING.
T?here is more details but this life IS so silly and we just make so big of it.
We all will end up dead.


- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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I am sorry you've lost your father. It's hard to lose parents. My mother passed decades before my father and he was 13 years her senior. He married another less than two months after she died. I was still in shock over losing my mother and could not attend his wedding. It seemed to make an impenetrable wall between us after that. I was all but disinherited as were my children. My step-mother's children received more than we did. They were married less than 25 years and my parents were married over 45. I was his only child. I have not been able to get over this though I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. Say goodbye? My eldest son and I were called to return to another state to say goodbye. It took us almost 17 hours of interstate driving to reach him. He died three nights later. I couldn't even say anything at his funeral. The whole thing was a frustrating nightmare. Today I live with a hole in my heart. Almost all the love he seemed to have for me as I grew up is dissipated by those last few years. Hold your love for your parents close and be happy that your love was returned when you last saw them.

- Response by rholuc, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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I lost my father 8 years ago.I found refuge by being with my siblings and mother.I would go through many pictures of him when he was very young.Before I ever knew him. Shared my loneliness with my family.And as time went by the pain would lessen.Now the pain is gone,but I still and will always miss him.

- Response by roanna, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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Yes it surely sucks, sorry to hear that. I lost my father 19 years ago out of the blue, anurism..boom, never came home, in a come for a week and that was it.

It hurts no matter what..but I knew and he recently learned that when one is dead, they're dead, no knowledge or consciousness in the grave, no knowledge of the passing of time at all.. so to him, as the bible teaches, the very next second of consciousness he would be alive during what the bible called "The Great White Throne Judgment" found in Revelation and it's what "The Last Great Day" of the little known "Feast of Tabernacles" was all about.
John 11:23-25
23 Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."
24 Martha said to Him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

This "Last Day" is at the end of the 1000 year millennial rule of Kingdom of God (Government of God) on earth ruled by Christ after His second coming. It's a time when all the dead who did not know the true ways of God as outlined in the bible or have a chance to understand them or follow them, will be physically resurrected back to physical life, as they were when they were alive and have their first GENUINE chance to understand AND obey God in these and many other matters. These are things which the current versions of "Christianity" do NOT know anything about or, have been deceived into thinking that they were done away with..they were not and it can be proven from the bible and history too.

My father who was not religious at all..in fact hated religion, began to learn these things from me and studied with me for 5 years before his death. He was always terrified of death and 8 months before he died he came to me one day with a great smile on his face proudly proclaiming "I woke up this morning, thought about all the things you said, what I've read in the bible about the resurrection, how when your dead you have no knowledge of the passage of time and that they very next instant I will be raised up and have a chance to really do these things then...and ALL my fear of death disappeared totally...I don't even care about death now because it's not like we've been taught at all!!"

I said...congratulations. . you have proven the truth of Christ words when He said "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free". Free from fear, worry, pain and death is what it will set you free from!

So while we miss our loved ones now and a 1000 years to us might as well be a billion years.. we know that we will see them again just as they were, we'll talk with them, touch them, hug them, feel their spirit and presence and interact with them again. The bible shows that the majority of all humans who have ever lived will eventually make it into the Kingdom of God as have immortality as God has it too.

You can read the specifics about this resurrection from the dead in Ezekiel 37,"The Valley of the dry bones". This is referring to Israel in the passages, but it applies to ALL mankind..everywhere. Also read Revelation 20:11-15 for more inf about this little known and understood "Great White Throne Judgment"

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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sorry for your lost, one day at a time is all you can do.

- Response by hotair, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, New Orleans, Transportation

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It will always hurt...but just know in time it does get easier to handle. You focus on the good things that make you stronger. You always have a chance to say your peace when you speak to god....your father will hear you. Live your life to make him proud of you cause you know that he is within you always and looking on from above. It's been 13 years now and I still miss him.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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I'm sorry about the loss of your father. Unfortunately, I can not understand the pain you are going through. I had a terrible relationship with my father. I'm glad my father is dead so he can not hurt me anymore. He physically and verbally abused me. Be thankful that you had a loving and caring relationship with him. It felt like I had a void in my life because of the kind of father I had. This is a tremendous loss for you that recently happened. As time goes by the pain will lessen and God will help you.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I am so very sorry about the loss of your father.

Lady Wisteria

- Response by ladywisteria, A Sweet Sarah, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I'm sorry fo your loss.
I cant imagine losing my dad.

- Response by redblue4u, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Montreal

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I know i'm a little late in answering but i just want to say how sorry i am for your loss. I lost my father a year and a half ago, when i was 19 years old. What got me through was thinking that how he died was how he wanted to go (quickly and without prior sickness) and by living life one day at a time. Sometimes even one minute at a time. Its sometimes what you have to do.

I know you feel terrible right now but that terrible feeling will lessen but he pain doesn't go away immediately and you'll never forget your father but day by day it lessens even slightly and you will be happy again. The best thing to do is appreciate the time you had together, even if the memories of the good time hurt for a while. I can't say that it'll be easy, some days, even now, i find myself in shops thinking of buying something for my dad before realizing but in the end life goes on.

I apologise for my tangent there, but if you ever need to talk feel free to message me and i'll listen. My thoughts are with you.

- Response by misspixie, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Artist / Musician / Writer

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