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I Just Need To Know That We Are On The Same Page.
Dating / 11:26 PM - Thursday February 25, 2010

I Just Need To Know That We Are On The Same Page.

I just started dating an older guy. I'm 30 and he is 40.He is a divorcee with two teenage children.

I do not have any children yet. I would like to have at least one in the near future, after I'm married.

I'm at the stage in my life where I have date someone who wants to get married and have children.

He has expressed a desire to commit to me in a relationship, but he has not mentioned marriage or children(even in general, even if it is not with me).

I have spent time with his family and friends. It has only been six months. I'm wary of frightening him away.

What should I do?

Update: February 26, 2010.
Whilst it might have been obvious to me that I am indeed on the path of love, I neglected to mention it in the post. I do not have the intention of entering nuptials or procreating within the next three years. It takes time to build that kind of foundation. It is just not something that I want to start planning or discussing at say 40. There are not any guarantees in life. Even if he did declare that he does want to remarry and have children. It just might not happen for us. It is just something that I need to establish that he is open to. I have always been a type A personality. Very career driven. I have a flourishing business. In my past relationships, marriage and children were not a "prerequisite". I actively seeked out the contrary. However, at my age I am not into dating men that are wildly inappropriate. There has to be the possibility of something. My s/o has already experienced that life early on. His children are great. He has an excellent relationship with them, very interactive. I have never expressed any desire to get married of have children. I have never placed any pressure on him or our relationship. Merely because I did not want to be " that woman". I will casually inquire about our direction. Sorry about the novel. Thank you for your responses.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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You have to tell him that you want marriage and children in this relationship, you have to bring it up. You don't want to waste your time. It's not fair to you. But you have to speak up and tell him.
He has expressed a desire to commit to you, but you should have told him right there that your looking for marriage and children. You need to express what you want.

- Response by thewiselady2004, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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Do not pop the question just keep it slowly and make small sugestions about what you want. Soon he will figure it out and decide what to do.

- Response by darkflyer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

I think you could save yourself grief and time by simply asking if he sees those things in his future.

Your right to have the life that you want should supercede your fear of frightening him away...especially if you're not on the same page.

- Response by destinyseeker, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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While 30 is not old at all, if you date for a year and then plan a wedding it could be a a few years before you get to start a family. The clock is ticking. It's your life and you can't be wasting time without knowing his thoughts. I think you need to ask him if he would ever consider having kids if he remarried.

- Response by leepool33, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Detroit, Retired

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I think you need to feel him out to see what his ideas are for the future. You can just ask, when the time is right, in the context of what he sees for himself. You don't need to ask him to commit, just see what he is thinking. If your goals are different, it might be better to know sooner rather than later. Best of luck!

- Response by undecidedfuture1, A Creative, Female, 36-45

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I did not sense one single emotion related to LOVE.

Only quiet desperation to seek out; trap and marry a man VERY SOON.

If I can sense your inner frustration, I am sure HE can too.

If you feel this passionately about marriage and having children, you had better have THE TALK with him, in regard to what exactly he does want in life. That is not out of line to discuss. With this, you could at least find out if he is remotely on the same page with your expectations.

But, I would not attempt to push this relationship any faster than it is naturally going. It will be a deal breaker.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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I think you're in a tricky place but 6 months is sort of right on that border line.

Have you expressed your feelings of wanting children and wanting a long-term commitment with him?

If you feel like this is the man you want to marry then bring up the topic of whether he'd like to ever have more children. If you can't imagine marrying him then, there is your answer, don't 'waste' your time if you feel you need to be with someone that there is a long-term future with.

Be prepared that he may not want children again but it's a conversation you'll need to have and better sooner than later so you'll know and can make a decision.

- Response by bermudababy, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Student

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So just how long are you going to go before asking him a question that should have been broached within the first few dates?

- Response by wanderingroman01, A Rebel, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Science / Engineering

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You didn't mention loving him or liking him or enjoying his company. If you don't love or like him--if you're just looking for someone "to make a commitment" to you so you can get married and have children -- any long time relationship you end up having with him -- marriage or whatever -- will not be fulfilling to either of you. Find someone you love and like and enjoy being with; the marriage and children will come along eventually and it will be wonderful. Really.

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65

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Set a time limit and stick with it. If you don't make any inroads as to what you want your future to be, end the relationship by slowly pedaling backward, and not being so available anymore.

He may ask you why you have be honest and tell him. Maybe he will change his mind; maybe he won't. It's the chance you take. But these things that shlep along, don't give you any peace and since you already know what you want, don't allow too much time to go by. It'll be tough...but who knows, maybe if he feels he'll lose you, he could CHANGE HIS MIND!

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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