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My boyfriend shuts me out!
Dating / 7:34 PM - Sunday February 14, 2010

My boyfriend shuts me out!

whenever my boyfriend is angry with me he never talks to me and it drives me INSANE!!!!! I know taking some 'time out' is just the way men deal with things sometimes but I cannot deal with the lack of communication, even to the point where I am considering ending our long term relationship over it. I don't think I feel the same connection I once did with him because of how he always shuts me out. He is always saying 'don't hassle me' and 'I don't want to talk about it'. He will go away for an hour or so and when he rejoins me he is STILL mad, so there hasn't even been a cooling off period.
It happened again yesterday and I thought to myself I can't live the rest of my life like this. We got out of bed and he just had this filthy look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing over and over but it was clear he was lying to me. The day went on as usual and I never received an explanation as to why he treated me that way, and yes it WAS me he was angry at, I know when it's something else. I racked my brain trying to work out what it was I had done wrong between the time we were lying in bed and the time we got up, and all I could think of was that he wanted to have sex but I got up.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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You're absolutely right to feel like you're feeling. He's an adult, and I can understand him needing some time to deal with any personal things he's going through. But, to take it out on you, and keep saying nothing's wrong is bullcrap! He needs to know how to behave like an adult, when something happens, not a spoiled child that didn't get what he wanted. Especially, if he was acting this way because you got out of bed without having sex with him. Damn, doesn't he know how to open his damn mouth? Or, can't he treat you like you deserve to be treated? Maybe, then you would be having more sex with him. Hell, I'd get out of that bed too without him touching me, if he's acting like that. Life is too short to deal with a man that doesn't know how to deal with his problems. If it was something you did or said, he should have waited until he cooled down, and talk to you about it. And, yes; men do know how to talk and will when they want to, so that excuse about men not being communicators is bull. Women can't be mind readers either. You said it best, "I can't live the rest of my life like this."

Because, that's exactly how you have to look at behavior like this, that seems to be a character flaw of his. On the surface, it might seem petty, but it's not. Communication break downs that go unresolved will lead to an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Either he want to be in this relationship or he doesn't. Sometimes, some men act like this, to make a woman break up with them. Because, secretly that's what they are hoping this type of behavior will do. And, yes; many can be that cowardly. I'd give him once last chance to resolve your issues together in a healthy and mature way. If he's still not receptive or wanting to talk about this, I'd end it and move on completely and never look back. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. He wants you to feel that there is, without being able to tell you what it is. Don't allow him to make you as miserable as he is. If he doesn't start flying right, move on immediately. Don't continue to waste your life, time, and happiness on a man that can't appreciate you. Because, you deserve to be happy in your relationships with someone that is supposed to love you. Good luck.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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This happens to me a lot with my husband. He picks the wrong battles to fight, and can stay angry for way too long (i.e. a fight over the blender?!? Pretty dumb). Does your bf have an activity that he does to relieve stress? The usual way for my husband to get out of a funk is for him to sleep, or go have a drink with a buddy. I will gladly allow him to do that if he comes back "normal" and happy again!!! You're right, it's a miserable existence if you can always sense that something is wrong but don't know what it is. You might need to tell him straight up how you're feeling. If your bf IS angry with you, then he needs to tell you so it's not bottled up (and maybe it's something that can be fixed). And if he's NOT angry with you, then he shouldn't take it out on you. Good luck!

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Well, in this situation you only have a few choices. You either accept you have a man who doesn't want to talk out his feelings to death until he's ready to and live with it, or you find yourself only wanting a man who does talk out his problems which really, is a rarity in men and you break up with him, or basically that's it. If you can't live with the way he is, he won't change and don't bank on thinking you'll change him. No man truly changes for any woman unless HE makes the decision to do so on his own and only if it's a life and death thing. I don't mean to sound cynical and to catagorize all men, but you can't really force a man to talk out his feelings like us women do! I would ask myself this, if you find out he's pouting and angry over the fact that you didn't have sex with him, I would think twice about that relationship anyway. He should be understanding that you are not a mind reader and that there will be plenty of times you won't want to have sex. Good luck!

- Response by cinnamongirl72, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45

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I had an ex boyfriend like this. That's one of the reasons he is my ex. I have to admit, I'm one of those people who needs to talk about everything, so it can get kind of annoying. But when there is a serious problem, you HAVE to talk about it.
There are some things you mentioned that make me want to say it's time to break up. You said you can't live the rest of your life with someone like this. If you boyfriend is 29-35 too, chances are he is not going to change and become Dr. Phil. If you feel that he shuts you out and disregards your feelings, it might be time to find someone who is on the same communication level as you. People who don't talk about things tend to hold grudges.

- Response by sunshinehighway, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, New York, Medical / Dental

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There's you choice, as you mentioned.

Either live WITH it for the rest of your life or END the relationship and find a good man who will communicate with you and doesn't get mad at you like this one does and you have no clue as to what it is.

Good luck

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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Your intuition is serving you well here.
You respect his need for a cooling off period; yet he doesn't advance. He doesn't process his thoughts well enough to express himself. Listen to your intuition here.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Other Profession

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Set a date for you two to sit at the dinner table and have a cup of coffee and talk about you as a couple. Where you want to go in the next year or so, the next five. Tell him what you see and what you want to see. Take turns and encourage him to talk out his feelings at this date. Tell him you love him. Tell him you need to be able to talk about the things that are bothering him. You have most likely been together over a year? Something is bothering him and he is not one to verbalize it. Most guys aren't honestly. It is a really, really hard thing to do as a man. And mostly when you say blue, he may hear red, and when he says yellow, you may hear green. It is just in the nature of things in a relationship because of the emotional involvement and investments. There may be some incompatibilities that he can't seem to vocalize... and heck.. some men can't even put a word to what it is exactly that is bothering them.
I would give it a chance and try taking time, making time to talk. Take turns listening and talking so each gets heard. That is very important. But just remember, many men are fairly simple creatures and it may just be some basic things. If he is super moody he may be feeling depressed and unable to vocalize or understand that as well and it may manifest itself through anger as that is a more simple emotion than dealing with the confusion he feels as he tries to talk with you. It will take patience, and a lot of it and this is something that is needed much more these days I'm afraid... well.. that's my 99 cents worth so good luck and best wishes... truly.

- Response by timeforanoverhaul, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Managerial

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