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Should I attend funeral of new boyfriends mom? I have never met her or any of his family
Dating / 1:17 AM - Wednesday February 10, 2010

Should I attend funeral of new boyfriends mom? I have never met her or any of his family

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a month. The first two weeks of our relationship was fabulous. After that his Mom (who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease)took a turn for the worse. At the time of this happening my boyfriend and I had not met each others family(we decided to wait to see if it was going to work). After this happened, my boyfriend(who lives 3 hrs away from his parents) left to go help his Dad figure out what to do and has been there for the last 3 weeks. (the parents are both in their 80's). My boyfriend who is retired has been taking care of his Dad and spending every day all day long at a Longterm Care Facility (where they had to put his mom). He is exhausted mentally and physically. He is not only having to see his mom deteriate right in front of his eyes, he has to take care of his Dad (who doesn't want to be taken care of). My boyfriend and I have continued to talk everyday and this past week-end were able to spend a couple of days together(his sibling came and stayed to help take care of his Dad). I have told him that I am here for him anytime night or day that he needs me. I have taken a step back in order to let him deal with all that he has to deal with at this point. Our relationship is not what he needs to be focusing on. He knows I care and I really want to be there for him literally( I have told him this on numerous occasions)....however his family doesn't even know me. We decided that now was not the time to bring our relationship out in the open. I feel so helpless standing by and watching my boyfriend have to go through this. My heart aches for him, I feel his pain. He has 2 other siblings which are both married, so they have someone to lean on. I want so bad to be there for my boyfriend to have someone to lean on as well. His Mom at this point is still living however they say it won't be long...My question is....When she passes away, should I go to the funeral? His parents live 3 hours away and I have never met any of his family. If my boyfriend asked me to be there I would be there in a heartbeat...but I am pretty sure he will not because he won't want to deal with all the questions on who the new woman is in his life. I don't know what to do....Should I just show up anyway to support him or stay away. I would be so upset if he really wanted and needed me to be there but never voiced it to me and then not be there for him. Please help

- Asked by Female, 56-65

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Be There for him, as he needs you... That's nice.

It's new however, so, be patient with his family.

Then... If you should grow to hate the bastard...
you can piss on his mothers grave for bringing
that evil prick into this world to begin with.

- Response by fehkarfight, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

Oh honey please just ask him if he wants you to be there. Only way you will know for sure. Then honor whatever his wishes are. You might be surprised by his answer. Sounds like you two will do well together.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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Of course you want to support him , but he has made it plain that he does not want his family yo lnow of his relationship w/ you at this time. so, if his mother or when his mother dies and you showed up at funeral, he would be even more upset,

we cant make one need our support during a time like this. so, i would back off and if he ever changed his mind then, of course you would go. you must honor his wishes regarding this.

- Response by dreamspinner, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.


GO!

- Response by hickdick24, A Player, Male, 18-21, Who Cares?

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Yes My lady you should go and support him, he needs you right now probably more than ever and a good way to score some points with him and get closer and that will make the relationship much stronger. One month is not long but its a good time to build on One month becomes two And ect, he is lucky to have you and you do seem to care for him so YES be there for him and give him a shoulder to lean and cry on!!I am sure he would do the same for you!! I know I just lost my mother and knew how important having someone who loves me stand with me!!Peace and Love

- Response by ptawillis, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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I think this is a very difficult time in your new boyfriend's life ...since you never knew the mother unless he asks you to attend offering support by letting him talk out his feelings is a good thing to do. I sure hope he knows what a great gal you are to be able to listen with your heart.

- Response by annk, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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Fehkar's got a good point there, Where?
You can't piss on it if you don't know...

- Response by nogood, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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You and him are only one month relationship, it's still very new, you are a good woman but you don't even know what will be tomorrow after his mum pass away. Take it one day at a time and just be there for him when he needs to reach out to you, for now, he has to focus on his family and such. I would just leave him alone, be a great friend by his wishes and pray for him

Peace~~

- Response by azianchemistry, A Player, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Who Cares?

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After dating for a month, half of which you have spent apart while he cared for his parents (god bless him), you two are friends who have a developing romance.

People should be mature enough not to make a funeral a place for gossip or questions about this.

It should suffice for him to introduce you as "My friend (insert your name)." That is all people need to know. If he wishes, he could add, "She has been very supportive to me through these last weeks."

You should be there only if the two of you have discussed it and agreed upon it. And, in this case, his feelings trump yours. If I were you, I would suggest being introduced as his "good friend" (most people will assume you are dating--what's the issue with that unless he is married or something??). Assure him that you do not need to cling by his side the entire time and can take care of yourself socially. And that you do not need to attend everything for the entire duration without feeling left out. The last thing he needs to be doing is worrying about how you are doing.

As for what people think--most people are happy that their loved ones have supportive friends (even lovers) in their lives. It's not like if you go to the funeral with him that means you are getting married or something.

If you go (with his invite), simply conduct yourself with quiet grace, which it sounds like you would.

Best wishes--I just returned from 6 weeks of caring for my parents out of state.

- Response by kdare, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Buffalo, Other Profession

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You do not attend unless he requests it.

If he does request you to be there, you are there for his support and nothing else. Tell him that you are there for him. Do nothing to draw attention to yourself. Do not offer opinions or suggestions.

- Response by mkipf, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Detroit, Consulting

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DO NOT just take it upon yourself to show up! I think the important thing here is to let him know that you are there for him and if he needs anything, or just someone to listen to him vent you are there for him. Beyond that it's up to him what he is comfortable with. If he invites you then go, otherwise support him from afar.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Yes, you should go. This happened to me but it was my Mum who died recently and unfortuneltey she never met my BF. We had only been seeing eachother about 2 months. He wanted to go to support me. Obviously I went in the official cars with my family and he made his own way there, but at the wake we sat together and I introduced him to my family and friends. I am similar age with you. People understand and just want to comfort our loved ones. Its such an emotional time. I know he really helped me. I do think that even if you have not met her, its still good to go to give your support to those who need it most. I found great comfort in my friends going too - some of whom didnt know my Mum. Good luck - and remember - life is for the living. I wish you peace and love for your future together.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45

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