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OK, guys... Here's your chance to really explain...(sorry for the length - it realy was necessary)
Sex & Intimacy / 9:53 AM - Tuesday February 09, 2010

OK, guys... Here's your chance to really explain...(sorry for the length - it realy was necessary)

This week, I have talked to three different women about men going to strip clubs. I've explained it from a Martian's perspective, but I think that they are still having trouble with it.

So... I'm going to write my explanation here. Then you guys can add, subtract, or change it however you wish to give them the full and correct story on it.

Here goes...


It is no secret that men are visual creatures and that women are mental ones (Pun intended - sorry, I couldn't resist). Men prefer to see things, and women prefer to imagine things. The two classic examples are men going to strip clubs and women reading those stimulating romance novels.

Now...if we accept that men are how they are and that women are who they are, it's not hard to see both of these activities as escapes that each use. They are not signs of cheating, they are not ways to judge and compare their existing relationships or anything like that. And if you think that a man looking at a beautiful girl naked is cheating, then I'd expect that you'd also have to agree that reading a racy romance novel is just as unfaithful. After all, each of them are escape activities specifically tailored to a particular perspective - men being visual, and women being thoughtful.

If you think that men are going to a strip club to pick up women or to compare you to the women there, you're wrong. You're just as wrong as it would be for us men to start thinking that you read romance novels to find your ideal man and then will compare us to the lead character in those books.

There are few activities where men can get together and not have to worry about doing what men like to do. We love to look at and admire beautiful women. That's just how the programming in our head works. Yet in a polite society, it's not acceptable to look at beauty too long - lest you be accused of being some freak. A strip club allows this - is specifically designed for this. It's a place where men do not need to answer to anyone for being visual creatures.

There is no touching. There is no picking up girls. It's a pure, visual fantasy.

Now...onto my main point.

You can deny the reality of who men are or you can accept it. That's your choice. But each have consequences and benefits.

If you deny that men are this way and would deny men the opportunity of their visual escapes, sure...you'll have your nice, respectable man who you can look up to and brag that he doesn't look at women that way. But you'll also end up with a man that still holds these desires inside of him - just restrains them. They don't go away; they are just repressed.

If you accpet that men are who they are (reality), then you'll see that these activities have nothing to do with your relationship. They are jusst realities of how men were put together - for bad or for good, it is who we are. Then you are more likely to have less problems in your relationship because of the trust and honesty involved.

So how does this help you?

There are a few ways:

First, men know that they don't have to hide. They are who they are, and they can openly express their feelings, wants and desires without fear of looking like a jerk. Don't most women want men to open up and express themselves more?

Second, sure the strip clubs turn men on. They appeal to our raw side and they do make us want to have sex. It doesn't mean we're going to grab the first girl we see and rip her clothes off. Instead, it means it's more likely that he's going to come home and rip your clothes off to release these desires. Don't women want a more racy love life instead of the same old thing?

Lastly (and most importantly), if you can accept what I've said, then you will end up with a stronger, better relationship due to the honesty and trust. You can even make sure that he frequents these places rarely by understanding what they mean to men.

Men love women. We do love romance, but we also love raw sexiness too. You can use that to your advantage. You can keep things spicy. You can make him want to come home every night because he never knows if you'll just watch movies with him or if it's going to be a wild nite of raw passion. That's exciting for a man.

You can use the information, or you can ignore it. But here's the hard fact: If you question him endlessly about it, then you lose. If you want to feel insecure and ask about how you compare to these women, what he wants, and what type of women he looks at, it's a turn off. He's not comparing them to you in any way. make him thing that, and you make him hide his inner thoughts and desires from you. In other words, YOU LOSE!

This is no different than if a man were to question you every day about the lead characters in your romance novels wanting to know what kind of men they were, if they turned you on, and for you to explain how he compares to them. That would be a turn off to you too. But honestly, would it change how you viewed those books? No, it's only going to mean that you suppress your reading and your escape.

Now, if you're still reading this, you might be hoping for some way to use this information in a way to enhance your relatiohsip. Here it is...

A smart woman I know used this information in a creative and fun way. When her husband's birthday came around, this straigh-laced, very conservative woman dressed up like a hooker and showed up at their home in a taxi. She had a blonde wig on, lots of makeup and very provocative clothing.

She knocked on the door, and when her husband answered the door, she explained that his wife had hired her as his birthday gift. She was sent to take care of his every need.

They went inside and she did everything that a callgirl would do - pure, unadulterated sex. they had a good few hours of passion together.

When they were done, she looked at her watch, said "time's up," got dressed and called a taxi to pick her up. Before leaving, she opened his wallet and took what cash he had and left in the taxi.

About an hour later, his wife came home as usual - dressed in her conservative business suit. She never mentioned the gift at all. She just pretended that it never happened. She even showed up with another small gift for him and explained that's all she had gotten him.

Of course he just smiled.

I'm not saying that all women shoudl dress up like hookers and surprise their men. (Though it's not a bad idea). I'm simply saying to accept men for who they are. Get rid of the pretenses. If you do, your relationship will thrive for it.


So anyway... That's a Martian's perspective. You can take it or leave it. But the choice is yours to make.



MM

Update: February 09, 2010.
Thanks to all. My post was about looking at women only. There has never been a question that touching is wrong. Didn't think I needed to even address that part of it. :)

- Asked by marvinmartian, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Hospitality

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I'm sorry MM but any man that say these strippers don't touch is full of it, they do a WHOLE lot more than touching.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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the main difference here is that a book costs about $6 - far from what a trip to the strip club cost, that and there are no other people involved in the book...

so if you wanna relate it to that then go get a playboy and then you can compare.

i dont mind my man going to a strip club every now and again with the guys, but if its a regular that he "needs" then I have problem.

- Response by sherocks, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Dallas, Internet / New Media

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I haven't been to one of those clubs in years but if there's no touching allowed then you're going to the wrong club. :)

I think you're right, I would never go there to pick up someone but I know a few guys who do. It's just not the type of woman I'd date but I can appreciate her body and like you said to me it was just funner to hang out with my buds more than about the show.

- Response by sportsnut7875, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Technical

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A few things...

It is more about women controling men more than anything. They can't stand that some other women might turn their man on when they have given up on doing so. They are all about men doing for them, but how often do you see women really making th effort in the romance department that men do. Just look at the dating world, and you will see I am correct. Women just sit back and get upset when men expect them to make an effort.

Second, we are men. Women need to quit trying to make us view the world their way. This is not only in the dating world, but in many other aspects. It is proven in many studies that the main reason males are falling back in schools is due to teaching being dirested towards women. Not bashing women, but pointing out that we don't have to adapt to what they want. I am a man, this is how I do things, deal with it. Now I will say that I don't see the point of throwing money at strippers, but no women is going to guilt me into doing anything. In fact it will push me to do it.

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 29-35, Charlotte, Self-Employed

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I think a better comparion for women would be very close male "friends," they connect on a personal level, can talk about anything, make each other feel sexy, and over all able to fulfill her "mental" void versus a novel as real people are involved...they never touch physically except a hug unlike the stripper that does lap dances and can take him to the back room, would you agree and be okay with that?

- Response by afirecracker, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28

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I wonder if a Martian would like a Glasgow take on this.... I'm sure some folk are sick of hearing it but here goes anyway.

Over here Drugs is a main drain on our society, it keeps all our emergency agency's tied up and unable to actually be proactive, we are always reactive. There is never enough money in the pot to deal with this plague although the Top Dog druggies always seem to be raking it in. To clean up some of this money they invest it in the sex industry, stip clubs, porno movies, sex trde, and for a wile there or even may still be going on, cheating young East European girls with the promise of a better life, getting them hooked on drugs and selling them..


All this is happening in front of our noses and there is nothing we can do because if we complain we are told to get a life and stop bein insecure cause men use these services..

I agree that honestly is best in a relationship, that is why it stands to reason that I am married to a man that has no truck with the sex industry....

Call me old fashioned but you opened up the avenue for discussion and I am grateful that you did..

- Response by glasgowbelle, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Glasgow, Retired

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Say what?

- Response by lom2009, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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As much as you say this, and as much as it's most likely very true... a lot of women are insecure with this idea b/c they DO take as a gesture that they are not good enough so their men have to turn to the porn or strip clubs. I don't have a problem with it whatsoever, my s/o is free to look at porn or go to strip clubs as much as he wants... but he hardly ever does. I think it's human nature for a guy to be intrigued by this stuff, hell even I find some of it intriguing. I don't in anyway whatsoever think its comparable to our relationship, in fact I know my s/o has zero respect for women who take their clothes off for money, or women who have sex for money... but the visual stimulant is obviously what the whole attraction is. Also, a lot of women truly have dealt with nothing but negativity from stuff like this, where porn or strip clubs have taken the place of their sex life. In this case, it's understandable for a woman to then feel insecure in future relationships when porn or strip clubs come into the picture b/c she will now hold that fear that it could take the place of the sex life in the relationship.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Financial / Banking

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I fully agree with this. I have always had the opinion of strip clubs as a visual candy for a man and as long as he brings his actual sugar to me at the end of it all... all the better.
The strippers do all the work. I get the 'rewards'.

However, I will amend this to say that all women should be concerned about a man who goes to strip clubs too often. And even if he knows you don't mind it, still feels the need to lie to you about it. These men have an addiction and are usually spending way too much time and money in their little fantasy and are not someone you can build a reality with.

- Response by lee37, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Seasons4 is a visual creature!!

- Response by seasons4, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Milwaukee, Financial / Banking

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I absolutely agree 300 percent with juandontbeg. Ladies, he hit it right on the money! Ladies try to change/control us - just figure it already! The visual is not going away so put some effort into your romancing us. Don't expect us to do all the work then you end up getting all upset when we want to go to a strip club. If you're taking care of business then he wouldn't have to seek it else where. The sledge hammer of truth can be looking them in the eye or bomp them over the head and they still don't get it.

- Response by ereculus, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Boston, Other Profession

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Pretending in the first place that men should have some extra license because YOU think they are "more visual creatures" is silly.

There is absolutely no conclusive evidence that women and male function differently in terms of sense attraction. There IS some evidence that women are often socially programmed NOT to look at things they think they shouldn't look at, and that men have social freedom of movement (which translates to freedom of the gaze). But this is social, not biological. Pretending it's biological is not only silly, it's dangerous.

As for the "control" issue: I doubt that most men would really applaud if their women were fond of going to male stripper joints and getting feels from the dancers. Because that IS what happens in stripper joints--it's not just stripping / teasing. You CAN and often do get a grope and sometimes a lot more.

If we stop pretending that men should get more license than women for a made up reason, we can see that men want to control women just as much as women want to control men: Very few people are thrilled if their SOs grope or have sex with a stripper.

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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Well put! I'm not sure all women want their men to rip their clothes off when the guy gets home, but I get the idea.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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I agree with most of your post,
but for some reason the novel analogy makes me mad every time men bring it up. I would find romance novels boring, and if I wanted an "escape" i would be more tempted to have sex chat online with a guy, for example, or on the phone or in person even. That would be the way to get my "imagination" going, and that would be a better comparison to a man going to a strip club i think.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 18-21, Who Cares?

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