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How do I end this affair?
Married Life / 7:41 PM - Sunday February 07, 2010

How do I end this affair?

I am having an affair. Both of us are married. I want to end it, but I want to keep my lover as my friend. In fact, I never wanted to have a physical affair, but here I am, sleeping with someone else. As with the cliche, traditional affairs, we work together, and neither of us can quit our jobs or leave.

Cliche again here, but my lover is SUPER emotional and tends to get VERY angry/irrational. He trusts me and says that he is 100% himself with me. And I believe him, bc I've met his wife and know his family situation (traditional, religious family, from a very old school culture).

How do I end it gracefully? Can I keep him as my friend? I do love him, as a human being, but I love my husband more. Any hope for my situation?

- Asked by Female, 22-25

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Have you considered keeping him as a friend with benefits?

If that's out of the question, then I would just tell him that you do love him, but the nature of that love has changed & your bond with your husband is still as important as it ever was. And since your main priority MUST be with the man you are committed to, then you don't feel comfortable as things are & regretfully must part ways. You wish only the best for him & tell him you know he feels the same way for you, as well.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 56-65, New York, Civil Service

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Just say no to being a ho.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Community Rating: Community Star

I'd like to have $1.00 for every person that finds themselves in your position. Looks like you started something you can't finish.

He's got a volatile temple and he won't settle for "friendship," but...you can try. Well, what's done is done and you can't peddle backwards.

You can try "graceful" but it will be rough and it will be tough. One way or another it's not going to be easy.

I take it there's no way of getting another job so you can get away from him. Wishing you good luck; perhaps if you stand your ground, he won't be antagonistic and won't holler...but gird your loins for a very hard time. Just realize he will try and keep talking you out of it. Hopefully, he'll exhaust himself by doing that and will lose his zeal...

Good luck!

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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..well, if you love him , you will just end it...you cant keep him as a friend..unfortunately, there is no going back...you either end the affair or end your marriage..cant have it both ways...(not forever)...we "let go" of the things we love...

- Response by laxgirl, A Sportif, Female, 36-45, Baltimore, Therapist

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Wow I KNOW ITS EASY SAID THEN DONE PUT YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK IT OFF WITH HIM AND BE HONEST WITH HIM AND TELL HIM IF WE CAN'T BREAK THIS OFF WITH OUT TROUBLE THEN WE HAVE TO END OUR FRIENDSHIP TO AND BEING THAT WE WORK TOGETHER PLEASE LETS NOT MAKE A ISSUES OUT OF THIS TO BECAUSE WE CANT AFFORD TO LOSE OUR JOBS HERE TO.I HOPE I WAS A HELP.

- Response by candygirl4719, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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The only way ia a clean break, If youre around him, it will slide back into the familiar . Affairs always have a way of being discovered ,,,if not soon yrs down the road.

Gradually cut ties w/ the family after you tell him you cannot continue being untrue to your hubby. he can get a counselor to be "himself with"

I hope this ends, before the s**t hits the fan and you lose the one you love.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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It's simple really.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes then put yourself in your husband's. Really spend an entire day thinking these through.
Feel the remorse, the pain, the humilation, the shock, denial, anger, regret. Cry.
Tell him you can no longer deal with this.

Then you pray and forgive yourself knowing you've finally done the right thing.

- Response by chchia, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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That is one screwed up sitation... and I find it really sad that you are more worried about how your "lover" would take the heartache of ending the affair, over how your husband would feel knowing his wife is screwing some man and breaking the vows of the marriage. Why don't you start thinking about how you are going to confess your deceitful affair to your husband and how you will even begin making it up to him, that is if he feels you even deserve that opportunity. Women like you make me sick.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Financial / Banking

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I don't think there is any way that you can remain friends, and for the sake of your marriage, you SHOULDN'T remain friends.

- Response by chessplayer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Administrative

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You've got REAL problems. Come clean with your husband. Because when you try to break it off the lover will tell your husband. You should have known better.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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I agree with the anon. If you love your husband more, you wouldn't cheat. If you sleep with someone else and say that you love this individual more, that's just lies.

- Response by happypolar, A Creative, Female, 26-28

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Just do what most women do. Give him the cold shoulder and stop talking to him and don't respond to emails or texts. He'll get the message really quick I promise you.

- Response by rebelroad, A Player, Male, 36-45

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you seem more concerned about keeping this guy as a friend than patching things up with your husband. It sounds like this drama queen will tell your husband all about it so I wouldn't bother trying to keep him as a friend.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 26-28, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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You cannot be just friends with someone that you've slept with. You know that this at your core. And you do have to find a way to "separate" yourself from this person. Try asking for a transfer to another dept, if possible.

You have to ask yourself why you allowed yourself to become involved with another man if you "love your husband". Was it immaturity, greed (wanting more man), or some other reason. What would happen if your husband found out? How long have you been married? Would you have another affair if the opportunity presented itself?

The issue that I think that you have is whether you can co-exist in the same air-space as your lover without picking up where you left off.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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One cannot convert a physical relationship into a friendly one Impossible

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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As much as I want to tell you you're a horrible person, I can feel your frustration right now. You need to clearly state your case to this guy that you can't be with him, and I'm sure things will become awkward at the work place but try to cope with them as much as you can. If he is the angry type, do you worry he will go to your husband if you end your relationship? If you fear that I suggest you end it anyways if you aren't happy, and you will have to go through with telling your husband about the affair.

I just want to ask you an honest question though, I don't see how someone can still be in love with their s/o, but be with someone else at the same time? Ever since I have been with my man (3yrs) I am not even attracted to anyone else, and don't even look at other men in 'that' way. Do you lose that attraction after a while?

- Response by ashleycountry, Female, 18-21, Hospitality

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well, if you just tell him it's done, he'll probably go bat shit brittney spears crazy on your ass, so... let's try to avoid that shall we! ...i'd suggest cooking up some sort of disease your "husband gave you". and you don't want to spread it to him. so it's time to end the relationship.... p.s., is it physically even possible to remain "just friends" with someone you slept with? it's been my own personal experience those types of "relationships" end terribly and bitterly for both. but, hey, good luck to you! ....wait, i need more jerk awards... so uh... actually, in hindsight, all cheaters should be punched in the stomach and thrown in a chipper shredder... but other than that... good luck to ya! :-D

- Response by dudemcguy, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Detroit, Student

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There is no graceful ending until the spouses find out what you both are doing behind their backs. The ending will come quickly after that--you will both get served papers for divorce that you really don't want. It's like a drug, "JUST SAY NO"!!

- Response by certifiedchef, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Houston, Food Service

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Be WISE!!!

- Response by appleangel, A Creative, Female, 22-25

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