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Active Questions

Passive Agressive and/or Emotionally Unavailable
Dating / 9:32 AM - Wednesday January 27, 2010

Passive Agressive and/or Emotionally Unavailable

Ladies, do you have any experience in dating the "Passive Agressive and/or Emotionally Unavailable" Man?

Few Questions:

Why did/do you stay?
Was there ever any improvement?
Is there any hope or is your life overall better off without him?

Any other comments are welcome.

- Asked by eccentrica, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45

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I wrote the book on dating passive/aggressive and emotionally unavailable men. I haven't really dated a guy that has been both passive/aggressive and emotionally unavailable - I think this traits are very different and one can have one or the other or both. As for the emotionally unavailable guy - I stayed because I fell into the trap of becoming obsessed with getting the guy who didn't love anyone to love me. He never did and eventually I had the strength to walk away, but it several months of agony. As far as I know he still has the same trouble and has made his new girlfriend's life miserable as well.

I just broke up with the passive/aggressive guy. I stayed because when he was passive he was the perfect bf - doting on my every need, aggreeable, fun to be around, loving, etc. However, he would flip the crazy switch and turn into this paranoid, mean, jealous, controlling psychopath. I stayed for a while because he was seeing help - in therapy and doing some other things to try and change. It did get better for a while, but then it seemed to get worse. He started becoming the psychopath more and more frequently until it was happening every other time we hung out. I couldn't handle it anymore and we broke up. Of course, true to his passive/aggressive form he was incredibly mean after the break-up but then started calling and texting me being super sweet and trying to get me back. I know it will be the same story though so I won't go back.

As for the hope - I do belive people can change. However, I believe true change takes action and willingness and time. I was not willing to be someone else's punching bag while I waited for a change that may or may not ever come. The question you should ask yourself is can you love him and be happy with him EXACTLY as he is now. If not, then you should leave becuase he may never be any different.

- Response by kelleigh16, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I'm going to be very honest and open with this one so I hope I don't offend some individuals on here:

Answer to your question:
My self esteem is the lowest it has ever been these past few years. I have met one jerk after the other. It's like a dominoe effect. Emotionally unavailable, selfish, you name it, I attract it. I don't know what it's like to have a "real relationship", you know the give and take kind?

The kind that makes you happy and excited to see the person. I've had that once in my life when I was very young. The current person I'm seeing is such a jerk and I see right through him but honestly and this is putting it all out there.... the reason I see him?...I feel that I can't find anyone good or better. I honestly feel that way. I'm working on it, but with all the pain I've experienced in the past it's going to take awhile before I see that I deserve better. It won't happen overnight.

Plus add to that, I had a father who was never there, and even after reuniting with him some years later he is distant, and emotionally unavailable, always has been. All of my boyfriends have the same traits as my father.

- Response by tinatina72, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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1) Stayed because I thought we were getting closer at times.
2) No, there was never any improvement until he thought he was losing me, then he was temporarily great.
3)Life is totally better off without him and no there is no hope that he will change...but I thank him for preparing me to be an awesome wife for someone that knows how to give and appreciate me at 110% in nite and day.

Cut your losses. I can tell you in three words all he will ever do and you already know this...


- Response by clip22, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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I'm not saying it can't happen, but, how does a guy turn out to be passive aggressive? I thought most guys were direct, erring on the side of "aggressive".

Passive Aggressive is like, if he promises to take you to your favorite show... but then, INTENTIONALLY doesn't do it because he's secretly mad at you while pretending to be "fine".

Then, if you mention it, knowing you're right, he'll accuse you of being controlling or abusive, and if you get justifiably angry, he'd point to that to validate his victim status.

Then, he'd come on Answerology and give a very short, very vague story about his relationship where he makes you seem abusive, and tons of people would jump to his cause without ever having spoken to you or know the whole story.

In my experience, I rarely run into guys who are like that... a guy would rather yell at you directly. Guys are usually the ones on the receiving end of that treatment.

There are a lot of guys who are bullshitters, and then too lazy to follow through on what they said. But, that's not passive-aggressive, just lazy and un-disciplined. They might even say something just to get you to leave them alone, but, again, that's more lazy and uncaring.

(not sayin' that's a good quality, that's infuriating too)

But passive aggressive is more like this:

Him: "What's wrong, why are you upset?"
Her: "I'm FINE."
Him: "Um... you don't seem fine."
Her: "Oh really? Why do you think that would be?"
Him: "I dunno, that's why I'm asking? You've been acting different."
Her: (thinking) "If he really loved me, he'd know that X, Y, Z and I wouldn't have to tell him... I guess I just won't do anything around the house until he figures it out. Serves him right."

THAT, is passive aggressive.

If your guy is doing that kind of stuff to you, you have my utmost sympathy.

Passive aggressive people rarely even recognize how much damage they are doing, or that any of it is their fault.

If your guy is just a little on the lazy side, it's much easier to fix.

I hope that helped?

Best of luck!

- Response by wp2007, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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unfortunatley i attract abusers and psychopaths, and also passive aggressive men, nad emotionally unavaiblemen as well.

i have no idea why i stayed, possibly because i have 5 children
there was never ever any improvement
only got wors with time...
No hope at alla nd my life is better off without him!

forever and ever and ever!

- Response by jamiesangel777, An Engaged Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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