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What and how can i talk to my 9 year old make her understand?
Family & Parenting / 2:51 PM - Monday January 25, 2010

What and how can i talk to my 9 year old make her understand?

I have a 9 year old daughter that I feel will sooner or later slip out of my hands. I love her to death but I don't know what to do no more. I have pretty much raised her on my own(she doesn't see her dad)I'm now married, but my husband doesn't discipline her. She talks back to me (not with bad words) she is failing school(but is a good per teachers), doesn't like it when I ask her to do something(says shes not my maid), she rants me out, every time I ask her to do something. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is the perfect child and actually acts her age, she's even told me that she is not a little girl because she is 9 years old. I'm not sure what to do or say..I talk daily to her and hardly ever get mad with her. I've been strict and taken things away from her, and it will work for a while, but she will go back and talk back to me again. She is not this way with my husband, she adores him. I don't know whats the problem, and how should make her understand, that I'm not the enemy here, I'm her mother!!!!

Update: January 26, 2010.
thanks everyone..I've always been really consistent and I usually never feel bad when she starts crying..I don't fall for that stuff!!! I just want her to respect me and treat me with more respect. I will take all the advice you guys gave me...and will enforce it. Thank you so much!!!

- Asked by daysimay, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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I would go to your pediatrician for a counseling referral if you have insurance use it. If you don't pick one and find out how much it costs....let her talk things out with them and get her on the right track. I'm sure they can help and it will give you some time to get some help for you counseling.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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Your daughter needs not only love from you, but direction and discipline .. consistently. You have to let her know that you are the parent and know what's best for her.

She is just testing you by acting out ... seeing how far she can push you. Let her know that you love her and will always be there for her. But you also have to let her know that you are the parent and she will follow the rules both at home and school or there will be consequences which will consistently be enforced.

You aren't the enemy but you can't try to be her "friend" either. Being a parent isn't easy -- but you aren't doing your daughter any service by allowing her to control you.

I know it's easy for others to tell you what you should do .. but believe me, kids need and even want direction and structure in their lives -- no matter how loud they complain about it.

Good luck ... you'll do GREAT!

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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She's testing you, and you're failing! Discipline. Talk to her like a Parent. She is a child, she needs to be taught things. Seriously. You are Letting her do these things. Buckle down. Set rules.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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I've had this trouble with my boys 12 and 13. I put them in counseling and the counselors helped us communicate better and they called them on their s*&t and things have improved! A lot of it they said it hormonal! We all had to just take a breath and regroup. Good luck! I'm glad you're trying to seek help to improve things.

- Response by sensaielizabeth, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Executive

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The problem is that every child will test the power structure no mater who they are. What you should have done long ago is to stand up with a hard line [or backbone] and not let her cross the set boundaries. It will be even harder now to correct this. You need to be very firm and not wimp out. Its very hard [emotionally] but its what she needs to be brought around.

I told my kids "this isn't a democracy. It's a "daddyship" and what daddy says is law until you move out on your own."

My kids are also "perfect" most of the time. It could have easily gone the other way, had the lines not been set for them.

- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

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I don't know what to tell you. It might be a little too late, but maybe you can try sitting her down and explaining that YOU are the adult, and SHE is the child. Explain that your only obligations to her are to feed her, clothe her, provide her with shelter, and make sure she goes to school. You're not obligated to buy her the clothes she wants. You're not obligated to cook food she likes, and you don't have to try to make sure she goes to the best school possible. You do all those extra things (which I'm sure you do) because you love her. So if you ask her to do something to help you out, she damn well better do it. Otherwise she'll start seeing alot of the "extra" things disappear. Permanently.

"She's not your maid?" Yeah, I would've gotten the taste slapped out of my mouth for that foolishness. Matter of fact, when I was about 8 or 9, I said something to that effect in front of one of my older cousins and even though he was only about 13 or 14 himself, HE almost kicked my butt.

As he explained to me, "Our parents bust their asses to make sure we have everything we need, and alot of the things we want. All they ask in return is that we stay out of trouble, do our best in school, and help them out when we can. If you love them, why would you want to do the minimum of what they ask? They do much more than the minimum when it comes to us..."

This is, of course, assuming you're not willing to whoop that ass and make her do what you say simply because you say it...

- Response by rokitman, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I really think this has a LOT to do with the age. My 9 year old does the SAME things! You described him to a T! The only think I was advised to do, is keep doing what I am doing. Be consistent. VERY consistent. And spend one on one time of an activity of his choice. To help with "bonding". Hope this helps and good luck! or we can swap kids, they always seem to behave in someone elses house!

- Response by thekissbandit, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Now you know how your parents felt when you did the very same things your daughter is doing to you

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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U and your husband need to set rules and be consistant with them . Kids play the parents and no which will give and the other who dont . She need more support from her step dad. As for what is the daughter problem the 3 of u have a chat and sort it. Disclipe her when bad behaviour and reward her when good especially when chores are met and hopefully the maid talk will disappear. Send her to her room if her back chatting attitude continues until she knows the difference and that the Parents are the boss and not her. Goodluck.

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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To her you are the enemy. She idolizes her father, the one who doesn't discipline her. She resents you, the one who does. You can either wait for her to grow up and understand that, or stop disciplining her.

Good luck with that one ;)

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25

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Of course, she adores the parent that never tell her what not to do and what to do. I think you and your husband should be consistent. Talk to your husband to tell your daughter to listen to you (isn't what he supposed to do basically?) I remember liking my dad more than my mom because she's so strict and a real disciplinarian but my dad would always tell us, "children, listen to your mom." My dad would even talk to us privately and tell us that mom's only angry because we're not listening (cleaning our room, doing the chores, curfew, etc) and we should listen because we're unreasonable and selfish.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Auckland, Medical / Dental

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