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My boyfriend of 3yrs doesn't include me in time with his daughter when her MOM IS AROUND?
Dating / 1:26 PM - Wednesday January 20, 2010

My boyfriend of 3yrs doesn't include me in time with his daughter when her MOM IS AROUND?

I am 42, I have three kids, 19 yr old daughter, 10yr old twin boys. I met my 49yr old boyfriend 3 yrs ago. He has a 19yr old daughter. When we met I made it clear I didn't want to bring him around my home until we got to know eachother a little and see how we feel about the relationship. At this beginning in time we had SUPER chemistry,and even now we still have SUPER chemistry. We found ideas and common goals along with common likes in food, entertainment, style, and our feelings for eachother are in sync. The reason I wanted to wait before I brought him in my home was to not bring a man into my kids life for him just to leave and they get attached and suffer. So about 6 months into our relationship I brought him home - THEY LOVED HIM AND STILL DO. I later met his daughter - she liked me, I can't say loved becuase he never stated she did to me. She was very sweet as I was and still am to her. In the past He lost a 6 month old son while married to her mom b4 she was born. So her being born made them overly protective, spoiling parents. Although they are this way with her she is a great kid, good student. Last yr my man's brother passed away. He took me to support him at the wake/burial-his daughter knew I was going and was fine with it but not her mom. When we got there his daughter ignored him and me. I didn't care about me but she ignored her dad COMPLETELY and at the burial too. She's talked to me since and shows kindness to me - we are not close because her dad doesn't make time for both of us to get together. They live in Long Island NY and I live in CT. I've been to his apt and him to my home everyweek we see eachother. And I continue to be nice to her, no reason for me not to-I WANT to spend time with her and him and I've told him so...but he doesn't include me ever. She will be going away to college and he finally invited me to go WITH him to bring some boxes to her. Too good to be true - last night he called me and said her mom is going up Friday so if we were to go Sat. she would still be there so now I CAN'T GO. I was livid and told him how I felt aobut it. He has ONE FAULT he doesn't like to talk about problems.SO we haven't spoke because he doesn't want to talk about it. I ended the conflict by making the peace and I said don't worry about me, your daughter is what's important here. I let it go. But the issue keeps arising where he doesn't give me my 'place' in the relationship. His daughter is fine with me but not when the mom is around!! WTH is up with that?? What advice can you give me??

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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I think his ex-wife still has some feelings left over from their marriage. You didn't say how long they have been divorced. Perhaps he is trying to consider her feelings in these situations where their daughter is concerned. It may be hard for the ex to see him with another woman. They share this bond due to their only daughter and I can see why it would be awkward for him to bring you to help the daughter move. But he also has to consider your feelings as well. How does your ex-husband feel about your new boyfriend or is he in the picture at all. I think you need to talk to him about your concerns about his ex and what's up with that.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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She is an adult now and college bound...She probably doesn't feel comfortable with her mother and Dad's girlfriend.. Stop playing drama queen and let the relationship develop on its own. Her priority will always be her mother not you. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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His daughter doesn't want to see a parade of women in daddy's life. He should be commended for being a good father.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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She feels disloyal to her mom being a "buddy" with you. Daughters often are that way. It would be the same, no matter who her dad was with. As the relationship goes on, the daughter will get better with it. Don't expect his ex to be okay with you. She use to sleep with that guy, and so she doesn't wanna be friends. Don't worry about her.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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It is spectacularly simple, and has nothing to do with you or your relationship.

The girl simply doesn't want to appear to be disloyal to her mother. At 19 she is handling things quite well, it seems to me.

I suggest you leave it alone.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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I've had a stepson since he was 9 mos old, now 21. I read a lot of books on stepparenting and sought counseling. I'd say just let it go. Don't force the relationship. She's an older child, she doesn't really need to be a part of your life with him. Let him go spend time with her, separately. She doesn't need to bond with your kids or you. As your relationship progresses with your guy, he will want to bring her around or she'll get used to the idea. Let it be natural and organic. Let him have that separate. He's good to your kids, you have great chemistry. You don't have to be in all aspects of his life and he doesn't need to be in yours. I'd recommend reading books on step parenting. Don't let his relationship with his ex bother you. They are peacefully co-parenting. Someday the ex-wife make seek a relationship with you, too. Just use great caution! They can never be your pal or confidante.

The more you bitch at your guy about being a part of the daughter's life, the more you're digging your grave with him. That part of his life is his business. If she was 5 yrs old, different story. 19, she's an adult! At least she's not a brat, drug addict and he's off looking for her at night!

Good luck!

- Response by sensaielizabeth, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Executive

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Back off and accept whatever time is provided on all of their terms.
Like you said the most important thing here is getting his daughter off to college.
There are plenty of appropriate times for you to spend time with his daughter this was not one of them.

- Response by seasons4, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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