How can I get my ex to forgive me for what I did?
This is kind of long, so please bear with me if possible. This past December, I reconciled with my ex after a 9 month breakup. Before that breakup, we had been together for 4 years. We were engaged to be married. We weren't getting a long and I started to get cold feet. We were fighting all the time and I was struggling with depression. The wedding was called off and finally she decided she couldn't handle it and called off the relationship. This was April of 2009.
We stayed in close contact after the breakup and continued to see each other. She said that she still wanted me in her life, that we should just see each other casually and see where it goes, but that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. I also discovered a few months after the breakup that she had signed up on dating sites. I was devastated and knew I just needed to not worry about getting her back and go out and live my life.
So in July 2009, with a bruised ego and low self esteem, I went out and lived my life and tried to be happy. I ended up having a one night stand with another woman. This was the only other woman I ever had sex with. Both me and my ex were virgins when we got together. I felt absolutely horrible about it. It didn't mean anything to me emotionally, I was filling some physical need. I felt so bad about it that I felt like I had cheated on my ex, even though we weren't together. I still loved my ex deeply.
After this we had started to see each other more and more. I knew I didn't want to be with anyone else. We also started sleeping together again. However, we kept going back and forth about whether or not we wanted to get back together. We couldn't get on the same page. Finally, we started to see each other more and more and spend more time together. She started bringing me around her family more, etc. Then finally in the beginning of this past December, she told me she wanted to get back together and make it work, put the past behind us and focus on the future. She wanted to spend her life with me. So we got back together.
Of course, over the course of our reconcilation, she asked numerous times if I had slept with anyone else during our breakup. What did I do? I lied to her. Again and again. Each time she asked I told her I hadn't. I had always had a history of lying to her, not about big things, but just little white lies, because I thought the truth would hurt more. Selfish, I know. This was no different. I thought that if she knew I had slept with someone, she would be out the door. One night after having sex, shortly after we had reconciled, she confronted me with the question again. She said it just felt differently, like I was doing something differently during sex. Of course, I lied to her again. But then she kept saying she didn't believe me, and that she had a right to know because of the risks of STDs and what not.
So finally, I couldn't take the guilt any longer and just confessed to my one night stand. She freaked out and said some hateful things to me. She said I had no respect for her and didn't care. She said I disrespected her body because I slept with someone else, then with her numerous times. She told me to get out of her life. This was the middle of December. More than a month has passed and I have only spoken to her twice in that whole period. She told me she will never trust me again and she will never forgive me for what I did. She is now moving thousands of miles away too.
She claims that she would have reacted differently if I had told the truth from the start, but she also says she is mad at the fact I slept with someone else. I feel like even if I had come clean from the start, she would still be done with me.
So here I am today, feeling like I lost my soul mate, the love of my life, the one I was meant to be with. She won't even give me the time of day and seems to be cutting me out of her life. I obviously learned my lesson. I should have been honest from the start but I was afraid of the consequences of that truth. So now I feel like she hates me and will never forgive me and will never want me in her life again. Is there anything I can do? Should I have told her about my one night stand even if she didn't ask? Is that something your ex deserves to know if you decide to wipe the slate clean and start over again? Why have I always struggled with telling her the truth? I just don't want to die knowing that my first true love and the person I thought was my soul mate still hates me and still hasn't forgiven me.
- Asked by phillyphanatic
, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35