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How can I get my ex to forgive me for what I did?
Sex & Intimacy / 4:51 PM - Monday January 18, 2010

How can I get my ex to forgive me for what I did?

This is kind of long, so please bear with me if possible. This past December, I reconciled with my ex after a 9 month breakup. Before that breakup, we had been together for 4 years. We were engaged to be married. We weren't getting a long and I started to get cold feet. We were fighting all the time and I was struggling with depression. The wedding was called off and finally she decided she couldn't handle it and called off the relationship. This was April of 2009.

We stayed in close contact after the breakup and continued to see each other. She said that she still wanted me in her life, that we should just see each other casually and see where it goes, but that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. I also discovered a few months after the breakup that she had signed up on dating sites. I was devastated and knew I just needed to not worry about getting her back and go out and live my life.

So in July 2009, with a bruised ego and low self esteem, I went out and lived my life and tried to be happy. I ended up having a one night stand with another woman. This was the only other woman I ever had sex with. Both me and my ex were virgins when we got together. I felt absolutely horrible about it. It didn't mean anything to me emotionally, I was filling some physical need. I felt so bad about it that I felt like I had cheated on my ex, even though we weren't together. I still loved my ex deeply.

After this we had started to see each other more and more. I knew I didn't want to be with anyone else. We also started sleeping together again. However, we kept going back and forth about whether or not we wanted to get back together. We couldn't get on the same page. Finally, we started to see each other more and more and spend more time together. She started bringing me around her family more, etc. Then finally in the beginning of this past December, she told me she wanted to get back together and make it work, put the past behind us and focus on the future. She wanted to spend her life with me. So we got back together.

Of course, over the course of our reconcilation, she asked numerous times if I had slept with anyone else during our breakup. What did I do? I lied to her. Again and again. Each time she asked I told her I hadn't. I had always had a history of lying to her, not about big things, but just little white lies, because I thought the truth would hurt more. Selfish, I know. This was no different. I thought that if she knew I had slept with someone, she would be out the door. One night after having sex, shortly after we had reconciled, she confronted me with the question again. She said it just felt differently, like I was doing something differently during sex. Of course, I lied to her again. But then she kept saying she didn't believe me, and that she had a right to know because of the risks of STDs and what not.

So finally, I couldn't take the guilt any longer and just confessed to my one night stand. She freaked out and said some hateful things to me. She said I had no respect for her and didn't care. She said I disrespected her body because I slept with someone else, then with her numerous times. She told me to get out of her life. This was the middle of December. More than a month has passed and I have only spoken to her twice in that whole period. She told me she will never trust me again and she will never forgive me for what I did. She is now moving thousands of miles away too.

She claims that she would have reacted differently if I had told the truth from the start, but she also says she is mad at the fact I slept with someone else. I feel like even if I had come clean from the start, she would still be done with me.

So here I am today, feeling like I lost my soul mate, the love of my life, the one I was meant to be with. She won't even give me the time of day and seems to be cutting me out of her life. I obviously learned my lesson. I should have been honest from the start but I was afraid of the consequences of that truth. So now I feel like she hates me and will never forgive me and will never want me in her life again. Is there anything I can do? Should I have told her about my one night stand even if she didn't ask? Is that something your ex deserves to know if you decide to wipe the slate clean and start over again? Why have I always struggled with telling her the truth? I just don't want to die knowing that my first true love and the person I thought was my soul mate still hates me and still hasn't forgiven me.

- Asked by phillyphanatic, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35

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She is unreasonable. You were BROKEN UP. Did she actually expect you not to date while you weren't together? She is being unfair and ridiculous.

You should not have lied. The fact that you felt you HAD to lie, tells me that the two of you are not compatible. This time it's about having sex with someone, next time it will be something else.

The fact is, you lie because 1. You can't be yourself and please her at the same time. 2. You cannot face the consequences of your actions.

YOU have some work to do personally to get over this hurdle. You don't want to hear this, but you guys aren't compatible. Even if she DOES take you back, my guess is that she'll hold this over your head for the rest of your life.

As hard as it is, I would move on.


- Response by myndseye711, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Bilbao, Celebrity

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No, there's nothing YOU can do. She'll either come around (which I doubt) or not on her own. If she doesn't forgive you that's on her. You've done all you could. You can't take back not telling her the truth when she asked. It's something you two should have talked about and completely understood if there were boundaries set about getting sexually involved with someone else during your hiatus. The fact that you two didn't communicate that well, caused this misunderstanding about what you two would be understood or allowed to do during your break from each other. So, there really wasn't a clean slate truly. I don't know why you've struggled telling her the truth. You're a grown man, that shouldn't have been afraid to tell her the truth, no matter how she took it.

Man, you have to move on with your life. I don't particularly trust her whole reasoning for taking this break anyway. She went back to signing up at dating websites. So, what did she expect? That she would be in control of when or whether you could move on as she was doing or not? Yes, she was your first love. But, no matter how much you love someone or want them. If they no longer want you, the sooner you accept this as a reality, the sooner you'll be able to begin the grieving and healing process, in order to move on with the happiness in your life, and the ability to meet someone new. I'm sorry you're going through this. But, next time try to better communicate a complete understanding of anything you and your partner decide, about anything pertaining to your relationship.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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Keep senting her stuff-gifts- do not quit for any reason. Start with things that you know she loves (ie. FROGS)Send her cards-Im sorry -I miss you-I love you-. Do not stock her!!!!!!Once every other week, just mail her things. Maybe flowers....After awhile2 months, call her. If she hangs up, keeping senting her things that remind her of you. MAYBE>>>>>if its true love and soulmates she will forgive you.
*****do not stock her-do not follow her, scare her, or call her all the time....*****that is sick....

Good luck but remember it could be over and if that happens you need to leave her alone

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, Who Cares?, Teaching

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You can't make someone forgive you. That has to come from the heart and some are not capable of forgiving, b/c they can't let go of a negative feeling.

I have no idea why you lie to her. insecurity? perhaps. i don't think it would have made any difference when you told her about the one nighter.

from your post, it appears she WANTED you to be guilty ...come on you two were broke up. you were free to do it. Was she celibate during the separation?

I feel once you got cold feet and wedding called off, it was all over, but the crying. i feel she lost interest during the break.

Now, you must move on and quit blaming yourself for the entire break up. Both had a hand, If this wasnt meant to be, then she was not your soul mate. get active and you will overcome this. good luck

- Response by dreamspinner, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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If you were fighting all the time during engagement and couldn't find reasonable resolutions for your disagreements than you had sound reason for calling things off.
And what you did after splitting from her was your business only. No one...not even your lover, bf, spouse or other has a right to your personal history beyond being able to prove yourself STD free. That people have been taught to believe otherwise is a travesty. Nothing could be further from the truth...and nothing more detrimental to mental health. A person who demands this information is both immature and selfish for they will do nothing more with it than use it against you at some point. People who would do this really aren't interested in getting that information.
And so in my opinion it isn't her forgiveness you need. What you need is to recognize that this is not your soul mate. This is someone you loved who has serious flaws in their thinking and expectations.
Finding someone who is more loving and accepting shouldn't be all that difficult to do if you let go of this illusion that she was a soul mate. There is no such thing. There is only people who are similar to family of origin who provide a good biological match as determined in pheromones and who has a similar vision for the future.
Take some time to focus on your own journey and achievements. I would venture a guess that you haven't met a person who would make an exceptional partner yet.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I think you're both too immature to be in a relationship. You let her walk all over you and she treats you like crap. What is it exactly that you see in her?

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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She sounds very controlling. Be glad she broke it off with you. It seems like she wanted to find an excuse to break up with you if she kept asking you if you slept with anyone else during your break. What you did during your single time in between was your own business. I have a feeling that she wasn't celibate herself. You two didn't get along with one another so she was your first and you shall have many more. Don't dwell on it and look at this opportunity to move on and meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Snap out of it you friggin SISSY!!! If you were my friend I'd slap your ass..... You were not with her...you were broken up. Stop being whinney .... Your Girl will never respect you if keep whinning...and A WOMAN CANNOT BE WITH A MAN SHE DOESN'T RESPECT!!! Tell her, I did it we weren't togather... and thats it. Sorry but it happened. Then Go find someone else.... And if you will have her attention again, It will be with a different attitude

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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A manly man does not grove and beg for forgiveness. A manly man does not become a guilt ridden wuss and blather to "confess" getting laid. In fact, a gentleman never tells about getting laid.

You do not need forgiveness, you need a pair of gonads. Somewhere along the way you lost yours. No female will respect a man wuss who cries and grovels and begs for forgiveness. Women respect, and love, manly men who act manly.

If you want this or any woman in your life you have to act like a man, not like a sniveling Pansy. Got it?

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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can i ask you where you from you almost like the same story as someone i know

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Glasgow

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