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Dating a married man.
Married Life / 6:12 PM - Sunday January 03, 2010

dating a married man.

i've been dating this guy for 8 months that has been separated from his wife for 3 years but never filed papers. yesterday when i asked him why, if/when he would do it considering it's making me uncomfortable since its been this long, he simply stated he'd get to it when he pleases. i really love him (dammit)and dont really want to break up with him, so how do i get what i want?

Update: January 05, 2010.
so when he asked if it was OK to spend the night at my apartment last night, i told him i had already made plans to have dinner and drinks with some friends that included guys. when he asked if they were guys that i was interested in, and if i was dating other people, i told him that i hadn't been looking for other guys to date, but considering how we cant take our relationship to more than casual while he's still married, i was going to start hanging out with other people more. he seemed like he wanted to flip out, but he held back. so either i will on the market again, now that he knows my intentions, or he'll make an effort to keep me. if i don't at least get some sort of commitment talk with his plans at progressing our relationship by the end of the month, i'm going to leave him completely.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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You don't. You cant' make someone do something and if they did do something they didn't really want to do because you manipulated them into it, then the relationship is already doomed. I'd say that dating someone who is only separated and not divorced, even if it's been years, is a bad move. If they really and truly wanted to be divorced after a year, they would be.

- Response by solshine, A Sweet Sarah, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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unfortunately, he's still married. and his reply sounds like he doesn't really care about YOUR feelings, only his own. i bet he's not really separated, but is just having an affair.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Unfortunately you don't get what you want....why should you when it's perfect for him the way it is....he's seperated which means nothing is manditory that he pay anything to his wife so he can do as he pleases cause he doesn't want anything serious...he wants only what he has now. You'll have to wait til he is ready.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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That is difficult. My mother' best friend was dating this guy for short term and he has been separated from his wife for 15 years and never bothered to get a divorced. She broke up with him because he didn't want to get a divorce. I think it is pretty strange that you bf won't do it however it can be costly to go through a divorce.

- Response by allyirls, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, New York, Fashion

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Sorry, but it's not all about what you want. My ex and I were separated for over 2 years before we were offically divorced. It wasn't because we still had feelings for each other. We didn't. We were just not in any big hurry to spend the money on attorneys to finalize the paperwork. I think that's the case with a lot of couples. And with even more, there are issues with child custody, division of assets and other complications that take time to iron out. In any case, it's something that people should do when they're good and ready to - not something they should do just to please their girlfriend of only 8 months.

- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I think you'll get what you want when you realize you have to look for it somewhere else. One of the hardest (but most CRUCIAL) lessons to learn in your young life is that a person who is a fun date, or even a good lover, may make a terrible partner. This joker is evidently a total failure as a partner, whether he's living with his wife or not.

And that's really the question you asked; when are you going to get rid of her so you can be MY partner? His answer was essentially that he isn't. An old saying that has served me well is 'Believe somebody the FIRST time they tell you who they really are.' It isn't likely to change, and you'll save yourself a lot of time and hassle by getting the message immediately, instead of needing it repeated over and over.

My favorite four-letter word for these kinds of problems is 'Next!' There's a do-right guy out there looking for you. What are you waiting for??

- Response by bugdoc, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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You won't get what you want until what you want is a SINGLE man.

- Response by chessplayer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Administrative

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you don't you either get ust to it or find another

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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Come on, clearly you are overreacting. It's only been three years since he has been separated, and you've only been going out for eight months. Psh, every person knows you have to wait 5-10 years before you actually get sh*t handled.

(Real response: Break up with him, he knows you don't want to, and it's why he isn't doing anything. Get back together with him only when he is officially divorced... Not a moment sooner. Kick him in the complacency.)

- Response by horribleadvice, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Toronto, Technical

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Dating someone who is married is like eating food that's already been digested: It's crap! Yes, that's right, something stinks and you already know the right answer: Break up with him, go and date other people. He's either too lazy to get his sh*t handled or is scheming something without telling you.

- Response by horribleadvice, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Toronto, Technical

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I'd ditch the baggage.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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In my opinion, if he was serious about getting a divorce he would have been about his business by doing so without it having to take 3 years. This guy seems to have only wanted to have his cake and it to. Seems as if he has been only using you to get want he wants when things aren't going well between him and his wife. This isn't fair! He is a grown man who knows what he wants and apparently it isn't soley you.

You can do better and exspecially do better than sitting around and waiting for another grown individual to make up his mind about something he never put much though into doing in the first place which is to get a divorce!

Move on. You deserve to be with someone of whom you don't have to share.

- Response by msvickievixin1, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Chicago, Financial / Banking

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Well tell him to"please" his arse outta your life.

- Response by SassyMonique, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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No sex until you get what you want. So many great answers from some of our best respondents on this site and yet no one got a star!! What answer are you looking for?

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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He may never file for divorce, because he never wants to remarry, is that something you can live with?

- Response by dambreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Retired

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Dont ask him anything, dont even get close to that topic. Have your own life, be a little unavailable, and make him a bit insecure.
Let him come to you, not the other way round.
Until you give him the impression that you not going to give a 100 of yourself till he does, he wont divorce.
He has to 'fear losing you.'
Dont talk, what works is just actions and a confident attitude towards your life.
It will work, only if he loves you back.

Chances are he is scared of commitment again.
Most likely he just doesnt want to go thru the marriage process again, once bitten twice shy, so let him realize wat a great catch u are and things will work out if he really loves you.

Prove your worth.

But Dont cheat cause thats disaster.... just have a confident self attitude.
Let me know if it works.......

- Response by lovezebra99, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Mumbai

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Tell him the truth - you love him, but you are not comfortable dating him because he is still married. If he doesn't give you any positive feedback then he is not sure what he wants either, and you should put him on the back burner until he makes up his mind. good luck

- Response by ruffian, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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Honey be honest with yourself. You started this relationship knowing this and expected it to change. If you want to get what you want then find a man that isn't married.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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the first you have to ask him is "are you love me" when he say yes tell him you don't like be number 2 and test him how much he love you

- Response by m026kl, A Jock, Male, 36-45, Jakarta, Science / Engineering

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I dont think this is a fair situation for you or his (maybe) ex wife. You have more feelings for him than he does you.
You can manipulate and scheme all you want but in the end it won't work out in your favor anyway. Time is flying, my best advice to you would be to find someone who is going to be ready to take that next step with you and be serious about you. You seem like an affectionate caring person, and I believe you should be with someone equally as caring and affectionate and NOT someone who treats you as a convenience rather than a priority.

- Response by jms504, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Philadelphia, Technical

Rating Received: we go again w/the married man drama stuff..this is becoming so cliche..why do women or anyone feel the need to pretend as if they really CARE about the fact that the guy is married? you are selfish and the relationship that u guys are having right now is a good one..but..u have been really thinking about the fact that the guy can probably end up breaking ur heart..because u already see what he is doing to this other woman..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Financial / Banking

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Please don't put yourself through the agony. I made the same mistake and it will leave you empty. And more than likely, and I'm saying 9 times out of 10 your not the only other woman he's seeing besides his wife. If he got you then he got someone else. That's what the married guy I was seeing did. Please just find someone single. This is coming from someone who has been there and done that. It leaves you so empty and wondering, and yes the truth is he is using you, that's why a married guy cheats to use someone for sex and what he may or may not be getting at home.

- Response by tinatina72, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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How do you get what you want? Like it or not, the fact is that there might not *be* any way to get what you want -- or at least not from this man. Frankly, in my opinion, any man who's been "separated" from his wife for more than two years is most likely trying to have his cake and eat it too...the freedom to date (and sleep with) other people combined with the backup security of a wife, a potential consolation prize to whom he could always choose to return so that he doesn't have to be alone. Unfortunately, no matter how much people might wish they could get something for nothing and how hard they might try to get it, that's not how the world works -- making a decision usually means giving something up, and he's actually trying to avoid making a decision (which is still a choice) because he doesn't want to give anything up. It's actually a rather immature and selfish position to take, since it suggests that he's far more interested in what he wants than what either you or his wife want...and as long as both of you continue to put up with it, he has no motivation to change. Why would he? He's in the catbird seat, honey!

So what do you do? You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but if you really want to have a prayer of getting what you say you want -- even though why you want a man who's proven himself capable of infidelity is beyond me -- then I think your only hope is to tell him that you want to be with a man who's committed to you, and that you're willing to give him four more months in order to file for divorce. If he chooses not to do that -- which is his right -- then you'll consider it your right to break up with him and look for someone who's more prepared to give you what you really want instead of expecting you to share him with his wife. This is important...once you tell him this, you *must* be prepared to follow through! If you don't, all you'll succeed in doing is convincing him that he doesn't have to take you seriously and that his failure to file the divorce papers is not really a "deal breaker" for you -- which will make it even less likely that he'll actually take the initiative.

- Response by giginyc, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I have been dating this married guy for 2yrs. and 2 months. I am deeply in love with him. He says that he loves me but not enough to throw his life away for me. I see him once a week but does not dedicate me too much time to me like he does with his wife and kids. He says that he has a happy married and love his wife very much and will never leave her, so I ask myself many times, why every time I break out with him he will not let me go and that miss me. But how he can miss me or love if he says that he is very content with his life and wife. He has done a lot of wonderful thing for me and shows me that he loves me a lot of times, but it hurts me to know that he loves her very much more than me. Is there is something wrong with this? He was the one who pursued me and did the chased until I fall for it knowing how much he loves his wife and fall for it. Now I dont know what to do I cry a lot and sad most of the time. I am married myself but I don't love my husband the way he says he loves his wife. I believe if I love my husband I would not being doing this. I am very confused and I wonder most of the time. ?

- Response by sunmoon95, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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Im personally going through the same situation and i honestly do not think my relationship will be anything more with him than sex and nights out. Yes divorce is complicated and one hell of a mess and people do avoid it just because the hassle and stress it causes. Doesnt mean he doesnt love or care for you. But it will take a toll on you emotionally if he refuses to take care of it. Is he worth your time??

- Response by jfox77, A Player, Female, 29-35, Phoenix, Self-Employed

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I'm sorry that you don't love or respect yourself at all.

- Response by vabyss, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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