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My 16 year old daughter hates me.
Family & Parenting / 8:39 AM - Friday December 18, 2009

My 16 year old daughter hates me.

Her Dad does no wrong, but she treats me horrendously. I've read all the teen psychology books and realize it is hormone induced, but still I feel that I need to retaliate and not do anything for her, although I continue to do so knowing it's developmental. How do Mom's get through this time period mentally intact? I'm so distraught over this.

- Asked by inthethickofit, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Boston, Self-Employed

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It's not just hormone-induced. If it were she'd be horrendous to everyone, including dear old Dad. It's due to your relationship and not the relationship you have today--the one you had when she was younger.

Let me break all those books down into these basic terms--whatever relationship issues you had or created when she was 2-8 is what you'll see manifest when she's 12-18. If you spoiled her, let her get away with murder, overindulged, ignored her or neglected her and so on and on at those young ages when she was actually developing her personality, it's going to manifest as problems in the teen years. This is why you hear Parents say "She was such an Angel until she was 13" or whatever. NO, she wasn't. But she was too young to express it the way she does now when hormones and independence collide.

I'm not coming down on you. I've raised a Teen and saw many others grow up in my family so it kinda becomes clear what goes right and wrong. We don't know everything as Parents -we love our kids and do what we know to do at the time- but we can't chalk everything up to teenage hormones when it all goes wrong b/c that's not responsible. Our kids have their own personalities and then there's the part that we create by dynamic of how we raise them. For example, if you've been made to be the disciplinarian all her life while Dear Dad was the 'good guy' then yes she hates you right now & goes to him. He's the fun one, the easy one. If you didn't discipline or ever have a firm hand, she treats you horribly because she can get away with doing so.

There's many possible reasons and few answers at this age. Weathering the storm and seeking Family Counseling (b/c Dad contributed it as well) to see why she's targeting you and what you can do about it is probably the best you can do. Seek someone for counseling b/c if she's really just this way with you, there's a chance that she's angry with you about something you have no idea about. Maybe it'll come out in a neutral environment like counseling. Good luck to you.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

With rare exceptions, all 16 yO kids are embarassed and actively dislike their parents. It does wear off but you will need to be patient. Mine are all in their 20's now but the teenage years were a bear. My advice is this:
Keep cool. Losing your temper does nothing but teach them that they are correct about you
Offer advice only when necessary, By this I don't mean let her become a biker bitch but only intervene when there is no other alternative
Try to find a friend of yours that CAN offer some guidance. She might listen to her
Start buying wine in 1.5 liter bottles. The smaller ones will seem WAY too small for the forseeable future

Good Luck@!

- Response by sexytony617, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Boston, Consulting

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At 16 she's supposed to hate you. its her evil hormones running amuck! Just be patient and pray....a lot! It will pass.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Celebrity

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Kids are hateful at that age, all of them are. She'll change once she realizes how much she needs you.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Teenage daughters usually do have problems with Mom as they are trying to become adults versus children. If her Dad does no wrong then he should be helping by insisting she treat her Mother with respect. Hang in there and continue to be Mom not the friend. The teen years are hard but boundaries and rules are a must. Make sure Dad doesn't play the role of the good parent and you the bad parent. Be on the same page. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Me and my mom fought like cats and dogs when I was that age. I will say when she screamed at me it just made it worse...most of the time it was what set me off in the first place. Teenagers tune out screaming...I was a pro at it.

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

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"Hormones"??? Are you serious? She sounds like an out of control brat! No teenager really likes the parent who disciplines them, but for her to be disrespectful, and treat you "horrendously" is NOT hormonal - it's a sign of defiance and disrespect that needs to be corrected.

I'd stop doing things for her, and take away ALL of her privelelges unless she starts acting more respectfully towards you. She doesn't need to like you, but she DOES need to respect you.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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A 16 year old woman needs a husband and baby of her own. She is a couple years of BIOLOGICAL time past her womanhood. She's jealous and angry and upset at everyone who won't let her get on with her life.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Dont have solid advice to give..but I would suggest doing some bonding time just the 2 of you. Even better a vacation away just the 2 of you. let her choose or at least include her in the planning process. I have a hunch though that your hubby treats your daughter like she is mature or at least not like a little kid anymore and she maybe feels that you still treat her like that. I have a 7 year old and I am pretty much having the same problem. HOWEVER my daughter is still a little kid so it erks me when my hubby treats her like she is otherwise. I also remember when I was 16 and how I was with my mom and dad.
Hope this helps.

- Response by sunshine1978, Female, 36-45, Phoenix, Consulting

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I'm gathering YOU were once a 16 year old girl.
Just think back to then & you have your answer!

- Response by geester, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Celebrity

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Make sure your husband, her father and you make sure she doesn't disrespect you or call you names. I know it hurts but he shouldn't let her get away with it. Punish her or take away privileges or make her do extra chores. I've been through this with my son and some with my daughter but you cannot let her treat you this way. I felt really bad when they used to criticize me and you need to let them know they are hurting your feelings and that they should show you respect. It will pass and things will get better. Just hang in there and I go to the gym to relieve the stress.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I actually asked my mom about this one since she had me and my brother to deal with within a year of each other. She said, it's hard, and it hurts; but you have realize a) it's part of their teenaged make up; and b) if she hates you, that means she loves you enough to actually hate you. In time it changes and she starts to realize how important you really are. Don't let it affect you, and know under all that hate is actually love. Her dad does no wrong because he's trying to win her love so he gives her whatever she wants.

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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Teenage girls are bitches. Period. Of course she hates you now. I hated my mom so much from the ages of 12-17, but I am now realizing she is one of my best friends (I am now 26 and married). Don't sweat it -- it will probably roll over. Just leave her alone whenever you safely can.

- Response by mlmbuzz, Female, 29-35

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I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I know what you are going through because a sister of mine is going through the same thing need to keep reminding yourself that you are doing the 'best' you can do and that at some point, all teenagers try 'testing' their wings and independence and from what it sounds like, this is what your daughter is trying to do and because her dad isn't giving her as much 'support' as you are, she is feeling like she is being restricted but that's her problem, not yours because no matter how much you want her to like you, she will end up growing out of it and finding that you are every bit a great mother as she could ever want/need...have you tried sitting her down and talking with her and letting her know that you 'need' to talk about things with her so that she knows she can come to you when she needs to...sometimes sitting down and just 'listening' can help but that doesn't mean it will only take one or two talks to get her to see just how much you love and care about her...and most importantly, remember that parents go through this at some point and it does end...good luck...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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honestly be paitant with her.

and dont do anything such as punishment or anything because it will make her distance herself even more from you.
explain to her that you are only trying to help her and be there for her but you cant if she pulls from you.

and the best thing to do when she gets into her fits is let her be alone and have time to think.

or even try to have her dad have a talk with her and see what her response is about this.
let her know also how you truly feel weather its face to face or thru a letter but you just have to be paitant she does not hate you she just doesnt understand were you are coming from.

she see's things in such ways like you are out to get her and you like to make her mad and you just want to be nosie.


sorry mama just wait it out or do one of the following things i have suggested.

i have a 16 year old sister and she is the same way but our mom passed away when she was 3 so she acts like this tordes our dad. and it makes me a little angry sometimes. but its a teens way of coping somtimes with personal things.


- Response by A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Miami, Who Cares?

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I have a 17 year old daughter, and the same exact thing happened to our family the moment she entered high school. At first my husband thought it was mostly my fault. Now that she is a senior, through alot of tears, it is still hard. I was always the disciplinary one, but now that I backed off, my husband sees clearer. He sees that there is something with her. She is extremely closed. Apparently, something happened but she won't share. How sad is that! We did all the right things. Open, giving, discipline, lenient, trusting whatever you can think of and still she is distant. She is a great kid, good student. But I still have her throw things in my face. Little dumb things.
When they act like that, they are trying to take the attention away from themselves. We are also the mom and it is easy to blame us on everything.
I am still hoping things will get better. Good luck, I think I should have seeked help. But you really have to make sure you find that right person. If not, I think it could make things worse.

- Response by ghpooh, Female, 46-55

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Have you tried just being mom, that all powerful and terrible creature who can be tremendously loving as well as disciplinarian. As a mother you are entitled even obligated to making it clear that certain behavior will not be tolerated under your roof, nevermind what might have been the situation when she was a child, she might be going thru a million emotions and challenges in her life at this age but thats not an excuse to treat anyone, especially, her mother, with any sort of disrespect. Talk to her and let her know whatever shes going thru you can relate, and that she can come to you whenever to talk about whatever but you both need to go about it with the intent to listen more than chopping each other up with words or imposing wills. Worked for my mom, maybe itll work for you. Good luck. Chin up. Smile.

- Response by mortaune, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Student

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My mom thought I hated her at that age. And I did, still do. I hated her at a much younger age too. She thought it was just a phase "oh she'll get over it shes just a teenager." I'm twenty one now and it wasn't a phase. I knew that. I've hated her all my life. No, not the kind of 'omg my mommy won't let me go to this concert omg! what a bitch."

I mean I completely hated her, despised her, wished her dead. And she felt the same towards me. It's always been like that and it will never change.

I'm not saying this is what happened with your daughter, because as far as I know it has'nt always been like this with her has it? If it started recently it could be something psychological or hormonal. It will get better, just hang in there.

Good luck to you ^.^

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25

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ive had 3 teen age daughters and none of these daughters were never embarrassed and never treated me like they didnt want to be with me.the reason is that i tought them at a young age to respect they grew up they knew there were certian boundaries that they could not ,your daughter is 16 let her know there are certian boundaries she cant cross.there will be no yelling screaming or slamming doors.but if there is something she doesnt like she can present it in some reasonable manner .if only in writing.a journal you pass back and forth etc.treat her more like an adult refuse to argue with her state what you need or want from her, show your love for her let her know that you are there for her,and that you are in her corner.but in the same vein dont let down for bad behavior.instead reward her for the things she does right,give coodos for jobs well done.brag in her presence on her good points (even if you have to stretch a little)over her attitude.sometimes we have to look beyond the cover story and see the whole book.

- Response by bhindth8ball, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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This too shall pass. She is a teenager going through a tough time right now and in a way she might she you as her "rival". She identifies with you and compares herself to you and maybe she thinks you are better than her. Maybe she feels she can't live up to you and your standards and instead of trying she makes you her "enemy", because then she won't have to try. Since her dad is a man she doesn't have to feel the same way about him. He can't be compared to her the same way. Complicated indeed.

Try giving her as many compliments as you possibly can. Reassure her. Let her know you are proud of her and love her. Refrain from telling her that she should try harder or do better.

This must be really hard on you, but once it will get better. Just keep being the bigger person and let her know you will be there for her when she is ready. I was not the easiest teenager out there myself, but I have a good relationship with my parents now.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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I answer this because was 16 not that long ago. My mum and I never had a good relationship. We are polar opposites, where as my dad and I are identical in everyway. I doubt she hates you, you just have different views on things, she's a teeneager. I'm anticipating your the one who gave her the boy talk, the bird and the bees discussion etc. She might just be frustrated with the babying, because she thinks she's a responsible adult when she's not. My advice is give her breathing space and try to understan each others point of views! Best of luck! :)

- Response by pensgurl5, A Career Woman, Female, 22-25, Edmonton, Student

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Don't fret! I read somewhere that if your child hates you, that means you're doing a fantastic job as a parent! The same article went on to say that if your doesn't hate you, then you're probably trying to being their friend; thus giving in to them too much. Girls are hard to deal with at this age, as a former teen girl myself, but they tend to come around later! Dad thinks he has it easy now, but his day is coming!!!

- Response by Veronica71276, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Welcome to the club! Get yourself some Zanex and find yourself something OUTSIDE THE HOME to occupy you. This is the pulling away between mother and daughter that is both necessary and natural. Hold your breath and count to ten and wait until she's 25... everything will be different then. Hang in there!

- Response by 66crab, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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i tell you what will help even though she hates you maybe once a week or so treat her to a day out lunch maybe some shopping just the two of you explain to her you do understand what she is going through because right now even though it may not seem it she needs you more than ever because of this she just doesn't realize that hope that helps. thats how me and my mom got close

- Response by fairytale626, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Charlotte, Retail

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Would it be different if you assumed that perhaps it was something you were doing to make her feel this way?

- Response by smearpap, A Jock, Male, 36-45

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