Back to Home

Active Questions

My husband insists he's not cheating on me..
Sex & Intimacy / 8:12 AM - Tuesday December 15, 2009

My husband insists he's not cheating on me..

How much of a fool would I be if I actually believed him and try to save this marriage? We've only been married for 7 months today and it's been hell these last few weeks. Ever since I've become obsessed with the idea of him cheating.
I have OCD and bi-polar and once I get an idea in my head I will keep on it until I'm proven right or until I decided I'm right without any real evidence. When I question my husband about it he tells me he's not, he tells me I have no reason to cheat on you. However, we hardly spend any time together he's either always at work or hanging out with his family. His best friend told me that he wasn't cheating and so did his cousin, but can I believe them?
Whether or not he's cheating he is doing something sneaky, because he hides his cell phone from me, if he catches me going through it or thinks I went through it - look out all hell breaks lose. The other night while I was in bed, I heard him ripping off a wrist bracelet - the kind you might get if you went to a club or something. I didn't say anything until I woke up and I saw the bracelet on the floor. I was like where did you go last night that you got a bracelet. He was like what are you talking about; I didn't have a bracelet on. I said I heard you rip it off; he was like no you heard me un-velcroing my gloves. Ok, if that's true where did the bracelet come from it wasn't there before I went to bed and he was like I don't know I never saw it before. So what's with the lying?
I don't why can't I believe him when he tells me he's not cheating? Why do I have to look for problems and always question every move that he makes? Its gotten so bad that I'm starting to time him -like it should take him 33 minutes to go from our house to mcdonalds and back and if he's gone for longer I insist that he stopped to call her - even though I have no clue who she is or even if there is a she. I just keep seeing all those girls names in his cell phone (in my head) and I wish I could just ask him who they are without him flipping out and screaming at me for going through his phone. If he wet through my phone I wouldn't even care. Are people that protective of their phones or is it the lack of trust that pisses him off? I wish he would answer my questions and then yell at me, but no he yells at me and not one of the questions are answered.
Like yesterday he was 15 minutes late picking me up from work, he told me he got stuck in traffic. Ok, I could believe that BUT. he gets out of work at 2:30 and I get out at 4:30 - that's two hours, there was no accident on the highway or on the main roads, so where was he that he left late and was late picking me up? I asked and I got a response deal with it - deal with the fact that I was late. Like WTF, I never got an answer - I asked him what took you so long to get here from work. I didn't accuse him or say anything else. I have the car on Fridays and God forbid I'm 2 minutes late getting him, I never hear the end of it.
When we went to the mall last night I just went about my business and he found me and when I was done in one store I left without looking or waiting for him. and then he found me again and when we were leaving I was walking fast like I normally do and he was like slow down walk with us -him and his friend- so I stopped (being the smart ass that I am) - and just stood there. And I got yelled at for being a smart ass. Then when I was in another store he was holding my hand and I was like your only holding my hand because you're trying to keep me from wondering and trying to get me to leave. He hasn't held my hand since October of 2008 - when we were at downtown Disney. It's like ever since I accused him of cheating he's been a little bit more affectionate. Like I use to text him first in the day and now I refuse to contact him unless I absolutely have to, but now he'll text me on his first break and sometimes later in the day. if he's leaving the house he'll give me a kiss, instead of me being like, ummmm kiss. and he'll make sure he always says I love you when we're hanging up - other wise I wouldn't say it. He's been wearing his wedding ring all the time and I haven't worn mine in like 5 days. And we've been having more sex. We use to have sex maybe once every week and a half, now it's like twice a week, but he's been lasting longer than normal - even after the first time we had sex in like almost two weeks. He said it was because of the alcohol - he was drinking that night. Is that true, can being drunk or buzzed cause you to last longer? Yesterday even strange - we get up at like 5am and he started playing with me and was like I guess we're going to be late for work. We NEVER have sex in the morning before work. We'll have sex at like 5am on the weekends but never before work.
Idk I'm freaking out because I've been having sex with him and we don't use condoms - what if he's been having sex with some girl and he's not using a condom with her? What if I get something from him - well, then I'll have my proof I guess.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do or believe. I just want this tension to end. Without proof should I just believe he is not cheating?

- Asked by Female, 36-45

Read more about the Rating System


Asking your husband why he was late and getting an answer "Deal with is" is not good in my book.

Communication is key to any relationship. If you are having issues with his cell phone, just ask him. Sit down with him and have him show you his contact list and explain who these people are. Might ease your mind.

Lieing about the bracelet...hmmm sounds fishy to me.

Your bi-polar and OCD. Are you taking your medication properly and following a healthy diet? Talk to your doctor about how you have been feeling. It could be you just need your medication adjusted. Or, it could be that your are correct in your suspension...

Talk to your husband, communication, communication is a major role in keeping the marriage strong. It sounds like he is trying to show you more affection to ease your insecurity because he cares about you.





- Response by curiouscat67, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55

Rating Received:


I hope you are on medication for your problems because if you aren't you are going to destroy your marriage. Get to you therapist and get back on your meds before it is too late.

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

You know that you have OCD and are bi-polar. You also know that these illnesses make you behave and think in ways that are unproductive, so stop asking why you don't believe him or why you have to look for problems. The short answer to your question is, yes, you should just believe him. However, because of your mental illness, it may not be that simple or easy. Please re-start or continue therapy and, if you are taking meds, have them checked because they obviously are no longer working effectively. If not, then you need a prescription.

Best wishes and good luck!

- Response by carinabay, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

Rating Received:



"I've become obsessed with the idea of him cheating.
I have OCD and bi-polar and once I get an idea in my head I will keep on it until I'm proven right or until I decided I'm right without any real evidence"......

I think you have said it all. You need real help for your issues if you want to save your marriage. If not, you are going to drive him right out the door to someone else. Many people think if they are going to be accused of something without evidence and are constantly accused and under the microscope, they might as well do it as they have nothing to lose. I mean honestly... why would he have married you and your "issues" if he didn't love you to begin with? If you keep it up you will most definitely alienate him and find yourself single once more.





- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

Rating Received:


Do you want to stay married to this man???

You are going to loose him if you keep this crap up!

Seriously lady get some f@cking help!
You need to understand that dealing with a person who is bi-polar number one is not easy. Number two dealing with a person who is bi-polar pushy and thinks she is always right I wouldn't put up with that kind of pushing makes me want to run for the door!!

- Response by seasons4, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


Didn't you say you suffered from OCD as well are Bi-Polar. Sounds to me like maybe you need to get your med checked, or at least start taking them. If you do not get this behavior under control you will be divorced in no time. You are allowing your irrational thoughts and behavior to consume your life and destroy your marriage. Sounds to me like the husband spends more time away from home because he doesn't know how to cope with your illness and not because he is cheating. Get help!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I would be highly suspcious,too, if my husband would get mad at me for looking in his cell-phone! I tend to get pretty paranoid myself, but my hubby has done a fine job of helping keep my paranoia down. If he would be getting mad without giving me my answers I would be flipping out convinced something was going on. Although, the increased amount of sex can be suspcious maybe he's trying in his way to convince you he's not. Is that part of ocd and/or bipolar that if you get something stuck in your head it won't go away or your personality? I'm the same way, I was curious because maybe I have bipolar. Anyways, I would have totally slammed him with I know he's lying about the bracelet and he wouldn't have gotten away with that one!!! It could be the lack of trust that irritates him, you know him better than any of us on here, but I'm assuming he knew how you was before you got married so if he's not cheating than he should be doing what he knows he could be doing to convince you other-wise. If he really loves you and wants to keep you than he will do his best to do so. But based on what you've said, I would be extremly suspcious because he acts like he's trying to hide something. And I would totally be flipping out if he was treating me like an idiot and lying about that bracelet!!!

- Response by tazblue76, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Home Maker

Rating Received:


I can't say for sure that your husband is cheating on you, and at this point neither can you. Some of what you have written does sound ratter odd, like the bracelt saying he hadn't got it but this could be just that he had visited a club and didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to start off any more arguments. Also you said that he has become more affectionte since you accused him of cheating this could simply be because he wants to show you that he is not cheating, actions speek louder then words.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel and what your worries are. Ask him why the secretive on the phone. Tell him you would like to spend more time together. See what he has to say and hear him out. Give him the benifit of the doubt first.

He would get annoyed at you looking through his phone but this is normal not nessecraly because he is cheating on you. Try to think that it would annoy you if he was always going through your phone.

But he could be possible that he is cheating. You have to have a balence what is right and happening and what's just the bp taking over and making you think is right.

Try and not let the what if's take over and try to belive him usless you have proof that tells you other wise. But also be careful because sometimes your gut feelings are correct. And it's not always the illness thats making you think that way.

http://www.healthcentra l.com/bipolar
is a good site to vist and write blogs on how you are feeling and you can get anwser's from other's with bp.

It's not easy but don't let this illness ruin your marraige if he is not cheating on you.



- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


OK sooo your Nuts...... But hey Crazy chicks are fun..... Thats why your getting more sexx..... If you are Hott....I'd say your a keeper!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Seek out a good therapist and a psychiatrist. You're not crazy. You just need a little extra help mentally and emotionally. It is possible you have schizoaffective disorder. To answer your question, "How much of a fool would I be if I actually believed him and try to save this marriage?" Not a fool whatsoever! Out of seven months of marriage, you say it's only been bad the last few weeks since you started obsessing about him cheating. You are fortunate to have your husband who truly does love you, and if you end the marriage over imperceptable "evidence," you will have the same problems with anyone else you date or marry. My wife too has obsessive thoughts thinking that I cheated or that I am cheating or that I'm going to cheat. I think her case is more severe than yours. She also had the same thoughts with her first husband. Sometimes she thinks her dad sexually abused her when she was little even though she has no memories of it. People sometimes call her crazy, but I call her My Honey and My Sweet Heart. I married her because I love her, and I want to always be with her. I know it's hard to believe your husband when what you see doesn't match up with what he's telling you, but please belive him! You need to realize that you have problems judging reality. Your mind dwells on your fears and causes you to experience the same emotions of him really cheating on you, and then you believe your fears. When a trigger pops in your head, don't wait till the next day to talk with him about it. Ask him calmly and try not to sound like you are accusing him, but check reality with him and make sure you didn't misunderstand the facts. Stop watching tv. Not every guy is a cheater even though it seems like every celebraty is. Tv will only make your fears more believable. It brings into reality that what you fear the most. I can see how if you were to constantly treat him as if he was a cheater, you might actually drive him to it, unless he has a stong inner moral compass, and believes it would offend God. Even still, he might get tired of your fears and leave you. Pick up a fun hobby, something you would enjoy, vollunteer in your community, or go back to school if only to learn what interests you. Keep busy so you don't give your fears the time of day. Chose your marriage instead of your fears. Go on walks with him, go to a playground and play like little kids, run, have fun and stop worrying so much. If you find out in the future that he cheated then deal with it then, but until then, have the time of your life! Don't let your fears rob you of the precious years you have left!


- Response by jesuslives777, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, San Jose

Rating Received:


I might consider answering the Reader's Digest version of this...

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

Rating Received:


lol


Have you considered checking yourself in to the loony bin?



You're insane. You need to stop trying to make your husband that way.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

Rating Received: