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Will a guy like a loner like me?
Dating / 7:42 AM - Monday December 14, 2009

Will a guy like a loner like me?

I'm a nice, attractive woman and a professional. But, I don't get many dates. Mostly it's because I don't do typical things like clubbing, I never have. And I don't have friends. What I really have are acquaintances. I grown used to being alone. I do like it at times, but sometimes I'd like to have relationships with people. The problem is that I've put so much effort into making friends in the past, trusting people, but as I got older, I got tired of being let down and don't put much effort anymore. Also, it seems like people are so self-absorbed these days, and so disconnected. People don't having meaningful conversations, or help one another. They rather have 1,000 superficial relationships on Facebook. So, with how I lead my life, I've become a loner. With the exception of work, my personal phone hardly ever rings. One week, only 3 people called me -my mom, an ex, and my neighbor. I don't get invited out either because I don't hang in a clique and I don't have girlfriends. And, a major problem with my lifestyle is that I wonder if a guy will find it unattractive that I don't have friends, or if I'll EVER meet someone. I really long to have a romantic relationship, and be with someone that enjoys me wanting to be his friend and lover. Also, the unfortunate thing about being a loner/homebody is that when you want a mate like yourself, it is unlikely to happen because they don't go out much either. So, how can I meet a guy like me? I know I shouldn't be this way, but I don't know how to change. I'd like to build up more of a social circle but I don't know how. Or should I just focus on finding a guy who is more a loner like me?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Being a loner is not a problem in terms of being liked by loners, but it is a problem in terms of meeting people, obviously. Hanging out in clubs and bars is lousy unless you like to meet the kind of people who hang out in clubs in bars, which is not you. So I would suggest the internet, following two main rules:

1) If he seems to good to be true, he is.

2) Try to find a guy who is attractive to you personally without being attractive to women generally.

Actually both of these rules apply to the singles scened generally, both they are more strongly applicable to the internet singles scene.

- Response by unluckyloveatfirstsighter, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Don't write yourself off. There are many people who don't do 'typical' things like clubbing and there are many people out there who don't have many friends.

However, in saying that you cannot let the past cloud your future. The past is just that, the past and although you don't have to go out of your way to befriend people you should remain open minded to creating new friendships and networks.

Even though you say you don't socialise much there are still many areas where you will meet people. You would be surprised at the number of people who meet at work. Don't approach life with a disillusioned attitude, there are as many genuine people out there as there are bastards but if you let those who let you down affect the rest of your life you are only hurting yourself.

Also, don't worry too much about finding someone. When I first moved interstate for uni I knew literally no one and for the first two years I had no friends (except for those back home), I never went out, my phone never rang and the only people I knew were random faces I saw at uni. However over time you will make friends.

Go to work functions when there is an option to. Do things you like doing - if you like music, join a music club, if you like books join a reading group. Take up a team sport or invite a few workmates for a wind down drink on a Friday evening. Once you start you'll realise there are a lot of nice people out there. Of course there are also online dating sites - I personally know quite a few people who have found great honest relationships from those sites, so don't let the word 'online' scare you.

I hope that helps you a bit.

- Response by annukya, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Sydney

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...I have a friend like you: her only real friend is her husband. she and I see eachother once a year, when I'm in town... other then old friends like me, and coworkers, she doesn't have close friends.

point is though, she did find a fulfilling relationshp.

if I were you I'd focus on two things:
1. being the best person I can be (that is, figuring out what I want in life, and taking positive actions that lead me closer to my goals)... this will lead to confidence and positive attitude.

2.trying out different online dating sites for men who's personalities and habits are like yours.

- Response by js800, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago, Student

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like is an ambiguous word...

I "like" ice cream.

do you seek friendship, or something more?

reading your post, I get the feeling its something more.

to a professional woman I would suggest that a personal relationship is similar to a business relationship in that some degree of investment is required.

of course what you invest is relative to the return you desire... in this instance, if love is the return, the investment required is your heart.

inasmuch as you profess to be a homebody ... a loner ... homtbodies and loners need love too. they are, however, "socially challenged"

you have interests, pursue social functions that involve those interests ... that's a good place to start looking to find someone else who is doing the same.

- Response by leewiser, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, St.Louis

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I could be the male equivalent of you, so I know exactly what you mean. It's hard finding someone to date this way.
To me it doesn't matter if a girl is more of a loner or not. Only her personality matters and if we match. Most guys are like that, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Sometimes opposites attract, so I wouldn't focus on a loner if I were you.
The truth is, you won't meet anybody by sitting at home behind a screen. You have to get out of your comfort zone and go out.

I know it's hard, I have had several best friends that let me down and really hurt me. You just have to keep going and keep socializing. A bar or a club isn't the best way to meet somebody anyway. Do something you like... maybe a bookclub, a gym,... You could ask a colleague or someone you know, I don't know think about it.

- Response by maarten, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Antwerp, Transportation

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There are some truly excellent answers for you above. I have a specific suggestion: join a biking club. In Seattle there are thousands of people who are members and they know tens of thousands more. It's great excercise, great for your body and mind and if there are many bikers in your area you are going to find your social circle expanding fast.

- Response by stoney07, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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You sound like an okay chick... Now, the thing is... WHERE
and HOW, to be Seen... so someone CAN find "a loner like you"

- Response by geester, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Celebrity

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llz..i wudn't have any problems wid u, nd besides there r lots who have networking problems, so it's not tht ur the only don't feel odd..

- Response by playaarrow, A Player, Male, 29-35, Toronto, Science / Engineering

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