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My husband has no patience, yells and says mean and hurtful things, told him it hurts he says toobad
Married Life / 9:24 PM - Sunday December 13, 2009

my husband has no patience, yells and says mean and hurtful things, told him it hurts he says toobad

he was yelling at my kids to clean their room, i went upstairs to find my son crying and asked my husband what's wrong. he told me to mind my business don't get involved. this house is a shit house, there's clothes everywhere. it was 10 in the am, and i didn't get to make beds yet and clean upsttairs. he said i don't do 'my jobs around the house' and that my kids don't listen to me. he was cursing and yelling at me like i was nothing in front of kids. i started yelling for him to calm down, he's being ridiculous. reminded him that i have a 9 to 5 job and is sometimes hard to keep up - my house is not a shithouse. just clothes in a pile in my room because i have to clean my closet out. he's very organized and any disarray drives him nuts. told him i can't do everything, he needs to help, but he said some hurtful things. he always does when he gets mad and i don't like our kids hearing this, because then they have no respect for me. by the way, he's italian and very big on respect, but doesn't show it to me and i would never think of yelling at him the way he does to me. i'm tired of his yelling at me, not going to sit back and take it like i usually do.

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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I went through the same thing as I worked a full day and had to cook when I came home. My daughter was at the age she could put something in the oven for dinner.

However, I didn't bother with their rooms during the week; too tired when I came home. All cleaning and laundry was done on Saturday by yours truly. He never complained...and if he did, he would have gotten a mouthful.

I finally had a woman come in on Fridays and she'd have chicken in the oven by the time I got home and the place was presentable. It gets too much sometimes.

Children should learn to pick up after themselves, though. That would be somewhat helpful. Most of the time, everything they wore that day went into the hamper.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

sounds like he's verbally abusive, and talks down to everyone. so, what are you going to do about it? leaving him might finally wake him up. and if you love him, then it can just be a trial separation until he learns to behave correctly...

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Soooo do something! And he shouldn't belittle you in front for your kids. If he has a problem he needs to TALK to you when you aren't in front of them. He's being somewhat of a shitty husband and father, if this is how he constantly acts. I sugguest getting help, or getting a divorce. No man should act such a way... no matter what the hell he is.

- Response by fortminor123, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25

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well good for you...most italians have a temper but this is abuse and I do hope you realize that talking this way is verbal abuse to you and your children. Do all you can to keep the children away from this....they don't respect you because they see the father doesn't respect you. He has no right to talk to anyone this way and maybe some family counseling should be looked into and I'm sure some anger management for him would help as well. If you both work then you both should help out around the house....and if not maybe you could hire someone to come in part time to help out around the make everyone a little less stress. But do keep an eye on this leads to other things easily.

Whatever the reason was that he made your son as the mother and as another adult in the house most certain do have a right to know why and how he made your son cry. The children are your business.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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After over 41 years of marriage, to the same woman, she told me the other day that she had never noticed that I am slow and Methodical. (not slow as in retarded). and that I never hurry and that everything I do is logical and concise. Hmmm, 40 plus years. Maybe she is the slow one. LOL

- Response by phoenixbandit, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Columbus, Law Enforcement

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How long have you been married? Has he always been this way, or this a new behavior? Consider signing him up for an anger management therapy.

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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its good you said you are not going to yell at him like he does. 2wrongs doesn't make right. Now when one spouse start yelling at the other infront of the kids then things are really out of control. I would suggest you sit your husband down and talk to him in a very calm voice at a time when he is in a good mood. Let him know his behaviour hurts your feelings and you feel disrespected and unappreciated. You should also teach the kids how to take responsibility and do things for themselves. like cleaning after their mess. However, never take any kind of abuse from anyone because of their ethnicity, that has nothing to do with it, there are abusive and controlling men everywhere. Spend time praying for him to change as you cannot change him and hopefully this works, otherwise, i'm afraid you have to let him go as seriously abuses start verbally. I pray and hope things change for the better. God bless

- Response by kukuakukua, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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it's good that you've decided you aren't going to take this anymore. your husband is more than inpatient, he's angry, controlling and abusive. i grew up in a home with a father like this and let me tell you, it affected not only my relationships and esteem as a child, but as an adult as well.

what made it worse was my mother renforced my father's abusive words and behavior by never stopping it.

your husband needs therapy, no rational person gets that angry over a messy room. until he deals with all of his issues and the true cause of his unhappiness, he will continue to throw tantrums which you and your children will bear the brunt of.

- Response by darchie, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago

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Sounds like your home is in total disaray. I would organize myself. First tell you husband to stop yelling, because it does not help. It only makes things worse because at this point he is totally agravated. Make a "to do chore list" for your kids and make sure that when they come home from school they do there chores, get them to clean and organize there room as well. You need to fix your clothes and organize the closet. But when you start it don't stop from doing it finish it. Get boxes and get rid of what you don't wear and donate it to the Salvation Army. Take a room everyday and pick up, make sure the kids are picking up after themselves. Assign one of the kids a day to help in the kitchen. Get them to wash dishes. Team work. Not just one person can't do it all. There has to be team work and family members that are willing to make it better for everyone involved.
If this doesn't work you all need to get some help. Yelling doesn't bring anything only disrespect and could down the line bring physical abuse. You all need to sit down and talk and start new and organize and assigned chores to everyone including your husband.

- Response by thewiselady2004, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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Am sorry but with this behaviour of his your kids will never respect you! Especially when they grow up, and at a time they will start seeing you as good for nothing mother/wife. That is just the reality

- Response by geraldineapple, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Executive

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Freedom was never given. You have to free yourself and change your life to be the way you want it to. No one has the right to bully you. No one.

- Response by klaxometro, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I am sorry for you and ur one likes anger...i think you need some kind counseling..he does.. but i am sure a very proud and/or couples.. yelling does not work...or just u and the kids go..let them know its not acceptable for dad to yell.. maybe u all agree to pitch in with the household chores before counseling...and he can go or not.. its on him.. his behavior....u all need to do ur part at ome.. and if u all do maybe he will quit yelling...
maybe he wnats his castle clean.. he does need to be do u and the kids with him...good luck!

"People will not bear it when advice is violently given, even if it is well founded. Hearts are like flowers;they remain open to the softly falling dew, but shut up in violent downpour of rain."

- Response by chatta, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Consulting

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So do something about instead of bitching to us. You're only reinforcing his anger by not doing anything to stop it.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Make a to do list for your husband. Since he is having problems with the house being lived in, have him do more housework. If he wants it spotless at all times, make it his chore not yours.

Drives me nuts when a man bitches about the house being a mess but wont lift a finger to do anything. When both parents work it is a must both pitch in with the chores. If he doesn't like the clothes laying around, make the laundry his responsibility...period .

Don't let him upset you. This is his problem not yours. Next time he starts yelling, tell him in a calm voice to grow up and stop acting like one of the kids and hand him a list of chores to do. That should shut him up.

Its that simple.....

- Response by curiouscat67, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55

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Maybe it's just me but I would never let a man treat me like that. He's a verbally abusive asshole and I'd leave his ass,but that's just me.

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

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Walk away. State that that treatment is unacceptable and refuse to engage until he does it respectfully.

You two should have set chores, written out defining his contribution.You are not a cleaning lady. If he wants a spotless house, he needs to contribute more or hire a maid.

If you can,divorce him if he's frequently like this.

- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Oh how I know how you feel. Three kids, fussy husband, and a full-time job. Leaving doesn't solve all the problems and with kids at home it usually makes it worse. However you can't take his brow beating. I like the suggestion about anger management but with someone who wants R.E.S.P.E.C.T. you probably won't get him there. Some men just need a wake-up call, like one verbal warning followed by the family's disappearance for a week or two. Then you might be able to negotiate to see a couple's counselor. You'd be surprised at how a step-by-step plan to help cope with the chaos can set everyone straight. You sound like you love him and want things to work so fix it now before it is beyond repair. You can't allow his verbal assaults or one day your only hope to regain your self-worth will be to leave. That is, if you aren't weekend to the point that you cannot walk away. It will slowly eat at your core and whittle away at the strong person who you still believe you are.

- Response by A Player, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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