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My parents never showed me loved, so I don't know what a healthy relationship is. Help please.
Dating / 5:00 PM - Sunday December 13, 2009

My parents never showed me loved, so I don't know what a healthy relationship is. Help please.

I'm 29. My parents never really showed love to me growing up. I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home. My father was abusive to me physically, my mother was neglectful and emotionally cold. I saw my parents fight alot too. I have really been emotionally scarred. I spent my younger dating years desperately searching for love and getting involved with controlling, manipulative guys. I've never experienced a healthy, loving relationship, so I don't even know if one is possible. I'm at a point in my life where I've isolated myself from almost everyone because I'm tired of being used by people. I don't let people get close to me because I don't trust. I want to love, but my mind and my body won't let me. I become physically sick and nervous at the thought of vulnerability. I cry sometimes, because I feel like life is just one long, painful existence. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly hate my parents for what they put me through from childhood to even now. I know I'm responsible for my life now, but if I was never given proper love and direction (and I don't even really know how to recognize love), what chance do I really have at a healthy, happy life?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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I know people hate to hear the word counseling so I will simple tell you to talk to your friends and watch the people around you. Just be yourself and do what feels right to you. You can't have a wall up all your life. I can relate somewhat. I used to push people away from me and wouldn't let anyone get close because it would scare the hell out of me and would think that the same thing that my parents went through will happen to me.

In time, you will find a man that you are comfortable talking to and he will listen to you and be there, It will start off as a friendship and grow from there. Thats what happened to me. You will know that its right when you try and push him away and he still stands by your side.
If your anything like me, i find that when a guy tries to show affection or give me compliments, I stiffen up and push them out. Your life is what you chose to make it and it will be great if thats what you choose. Put your parents abuse to the side and go for what you want. I went through a lot of trial and errors myself but without those trials and errors I wouldnt be who I am today. It will get frustrating and make you want to give up at times but you don't. Just stay positive and live each day to the fulliest. Don't look for love, it will just come to you! You will be okay.

- Response by stace1977, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, San Jose

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1. you gotta let it go. of course it was wrong, and bad, and you deserve better and dont have to like it.... but to harbor anger only hurts YOU. time to talk to a counselor or friend about letting go of the past.

2. FIND someone you work with, are neighors with, in a community group (church, etc) that you can observe good relationships. volunteer with some kids that are less fortunate......you'll meet some good people and get back a lot more than you give. its a start.

- Response by teach123, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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You said you isolated yourself, Does this mean you don't have friends you can talk to? I hope this won't insult you but I think you should really consider going into counseling.

Honey, you subconsciously have an idea of a happy healthy relationship. Everything you didn't see in your parents when you were young, or the exact opposite of your parents' relationship. You know how to recognize love, you just don't want to recognize it. You have your parents as comparison.

One last say, you would want to make yourself better, because you wouldn't want your future kids (if you want one) to go through the same situation you went through.

- Response by deynna, An Engaged Girl, Female, 22-25, Tokyo, Student

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I'm in the same situation as you.I thought i'd just say Hi and let you know you are not alone.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Food Service

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