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How do you know when a guy is using you for sex? What if you're in love with him? How do you fix it?
Sex & Intimacy / 10:24 AM - Saturday December 12, 2009

How do you know when a guy is using you for sex? What if you're in love with him? How do you fix it?

How do you give him up when it hurts either way?
I know I can't change him, only myself. I've tried telling myself I can't have it all my way. I can't see the forest for the trees!

Update: December 12, 2009.
Thanks to each and every one who cared enough to help ease someone else's pain. I received such a variety of responses, it opened my mind to what I need to do. Support really helps! This site is so good, I have been here for over a year, and have never fully taken advantage of it. Thanks again to you all, for reminding me to communicate and respond to the human need for support. Sincerely, Squarepeg

- Asked by squarepeg, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Philadelphia, Teaching

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You know a guy is using you for sex, when it is all about sex. If a man is interested in you, beyond just sex, you know it. He lets you know that he wants more than just sex by making you his girlfriend and spends time with you and pays attention to you. He talks to you and contacts you without any expectation of sex. If a man is using you for sex and you don't want to be used, then the only way to stop it is to stop seeing him. There is no way to fix it.
For men, sex is sex and feelings aren't always a part of that. Once you get into the dynamic of a just sex situation, it is pretty much all it is ever going to be. You are right, either way, you are going to end up being hurt, because your feelings are involved. His most likely aren't. But isn't it better to be hurt now and move on, than spend your life loving someone who doesn't love you back. I know it is a very painful situation to be in, but you deserve to have someone that loves you and isn't using you.

- Response by iamboo2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Charlotte, Therapist

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You choose how people treat you. If he's getting sex but not providing you with emotional comforts, then he's using you. Why - because you're letting him. If you want answers from him about how he feels, ask the questions. If you want something different from what he is giving you, remove yourself from him (cold turkey!) and each day will get easier and easier. Meanwhile focus on enjoying your life and that's when you will meet the right one.

- Response by sweetiebug01, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

guys dont use 45 year old women for sex...
thats where the 20somethings come in.

- Response by mrsavage, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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You use him for sex. He uses you for sex. It all works out good.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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I'm in your age group and wasted a ton of time and emotions dating the wrong guys.

Then I read the book "Finding The Love of Your Life," by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. This book completely changed the way I viewed men and dating. I highly recommend you pick up a copy of this book.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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when you feel that way, its time to back off the relationship completely. whether its true or just an emotional responce, something is causing you to feel this way, which is never good.

stop being affectionate, stop the sex, stop initiating any conversations with him, start spending more time with your family and friends and filling your life with meaningful things. if he DOES care, he'll notice the change and ask whats wrong, at which point (and not before) you explain the situation to him. if he's willing to change, then give him a chance to change.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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just enjoy what you do have

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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There are some precautions:

1) NEVER allow him to bring you anyplace alone. That's the first step in maneuvering you into bed.

2) NEVER allow him to serve you any kind of alcohol, in any quantity. "Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!" (Habakkuk 2:15).

3) On the other hand, he may just try the direct approach, and ask for (or demand) sex.

If he does...RUN! For all you know, he may be carrying AIDS.

- Response by thundermist04167, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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You can't make someone "love" you no matter how much you love them. Either accept "as is," or move on.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Hi. Recently I was in the same situation. I was seeing someone and I actually asked a question on here about it and got really good responses. It's been over a week and I did something really bold to find out if this person was indeed in it for sex (which I already knew but hey I love confirmation what can I say). I decided a few days ago to not return any of his phone calls or texts and it's Saturday now and I have not. It's the longest I have ever gone, and I am proud of myself. I figure if I don't call and he doesn't call me to check to see if I'm still alive then I have my answer (in nutshell). And he hasn't called so there you go. I have to learn to move on. He was a womanizer. It will be ok, believe me, cause last week I didn't think I would be and I'm on here giving someone in my same situation some advice. Hugs to you.

- Response by tinatina72, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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I am kinda late to the party here.....but......I wanted to just add a thought.

In your age bracket.......women are getting kind of worried and putting pressure on themselves to get a mate. Men on the other hand.....are prob right out of a prev relationship or never have had one yet.

Either situation, you have questionable cond's. If he finally wants to settle down....he is prob still a "MOMMA'S BOY"....and has unreasonable expectations that the woman he finds now has to be just like mommie.

If he is fresh out of a prev relationship.......he is prob a little vindictive...and only wants to satisfy his own selfish needs....and is not going to submit to another commitment just yet.

He might also be a total knuckle head and IS JUST OUT TO TAKE YOUR PANTIES DOWN.....TOSS THEM IN THE CORNER AND USE YOU FOR SEX !!!

You gotta use your feminine smarts to weed these dinks out !!!

- Response by nuttyprofessor, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Transportation

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When all the relationship centers around is sex and there is nothing he is willing to talk about or discuss after he has gotten the sex...and when you fall in love with that kind of person, the only thing that happens is hurt and pain because one person feels something the other doesn't and sometimes, it's impossible to get the other person to feel the same things...if you truly respect yourself and your body, you will not willingly give someone something that is important to you without at least knowing that he will respect you might be hard to accept that you won't get what you want but in the end, it is always better to walk away and find that one person who will give you all you want/need and's so much nicer when you don't have to 'force' someone to love, respect and care for you in the same way you love, respect and care for them...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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