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How do you know when a guy is using you for sex? What if you're in love with him? How do you fix it?
Sex & Intimacy / 10:24 AM - Saturday December 12, 2009

How do you know when a guy is using you for sex? What if you're in love with him? How do you fix it?

How do you give him up when it hurts either way?
I know I can't change him, only myself. I've tried telling myself I can't have it all my way. I can't see the forest for the trees!

Update: December 12, 2009.
Thanks to each and every one who cared enough to help ease someone else's pain. I received such a variety of responses, it opened my mind to what I need to do. Support really helps! This site is so good, I have been here for over a year, and have never fully taken advantage of it. Thanks again to you all, for reminding me to communicate and respond to the human need for support. Sincerely, Squarepeg

- Asked by squarepeg, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Philadelphia, Teaching

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You know a guy is using you for sex, when it is all about sex. If a man is interested in you, beyond just sex, you know it. He lets you know that he wants more than just sex by making you his girlfriend and spends time with you and pays attention to you. He talks to you and contacts you without any expectation of sex. If a man is using you for sex and you don't want to be used, then the only way to stop it is to stop seeing him. There is no way to fix it.
For men, sex is sex and feelings aren't always a part of that. Once you get into the dynamic of a just sex situation, it is pretty much all it is ever going to be. You are right, either way, you are going to end up being hurt, because your feelings are involved. His most likely aren't. But isn't it better to be hurt now and move on, than spend your life loving someone who doesn't love you back. I know it is a very painful situation to be in, but you deserve to have someone that loves you and isn't using you.

- Response by iamboo2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Charlotte, Therapist

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You choose how people treat you. If he's getting sex but not providing you with emotional comforts, then he's using you. Why - because you're letting him. If you want answers from him about how he feels, ask the questions. If you want something different from what he is giving you, remove yourself from him (cold turkey!) and each day will get easier and easier. Meanwhile focus on enjoying your life and that's when you will meet the right one.

- Response by sweetiebug01, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Stop having sex with him. See, if he loses interest in initiating phone calls, dates, or visits, when he understands there will be no sex. If the only time he wants to get together with you is when there is sex involved that could be a sign. If you don't really hear from him, until he's horny; and, he uses the dates as foreplay for the sex later. It usually shows where his interest is. If he isn't really interested in anything about you, other than when you two go out, it's a pretty good sign that he might be in it as a fwb. But, know this, no guy uses a woman for sex. Women have to be equal partners in agreeing to it. If you don't want to have sex, don't. If you think he'll lose interest if you don't, because it's normal for him to want sex (which it is) then, you're not being honest with the type of guy you want. And, you really should not invest your emotions (love) in a person that you question, whether or not they're in it for the sexual relationship. Being in love is fine, if those feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise, that's really not love, but infatuation and desire. You fix it, by realizing what you're getting from a guy that only wants a sexual relationship, is well...a sexual relationship. And, hoping down the road that he'll fall in love with you could prove a painful waste of your time and life.

You might be missing out on a man that will want the same thing out of a relationship as you do. You can see the forest. That's why you're asking this question. If you can't give up a relationship that is hurting you. It's more neediness, desperation, and clinging that holding you there than love. And, that's what you need to fix. And, you are dead wrong about your statement, "you can't have it all my way." You most certainly can know what type of man you want, what type of relationship you want, how you want to be treated within that relationship, and who you want to have sex with. The problem is, you're settling for a facade. And, only you can change your situation with one honest conversation. You let this guy know what it is you truly want out of your relationship. You let this guy know that you have falling in love with him. And, you let him know you want more than a casual dating and sexual relationship. Then, listen to what he tells you. If he says something different from what your expectations are for this relationship. You let him know you want to move on. Yes, it will hurt. But, it will not last forever, and you will free yourself up to really experience real love with someone.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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guys dont use 45 year old women for sex...
thats where the 20somethings come in.

- Response by mrsavage, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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You use him for sex. He uses you for sex. It all works out good.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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I'm in your age group and wasted a ton of time and emotions dating the wrong guys.

Then I read the book "Finding The Love of Your Life," by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. This book completely changed the way I viewed men and dating. I highly recommend you pick up a copy of this book.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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when you feel that way, its time to back off the relationship completely. whether its true or just an emotional responce, something is causing you to feel this way, which is never good.

stop being affectionate, stop the sex, stop initiating any conversations with him, start spending more time with your family and friends and filling your life with meaningful things. if he DOES care, he'll notice the change and ask whats wrong, at which point (and not before) you explain the situation to him. if he's willing to change, then give him a chance to change.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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just enjoy what you do have

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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There are some precautions:

1) NEVER allow him to bring you anyplace alone. That's the first step in maneuvering you into bed.

2) NEVER allow him to serve you any kind of alcohol, in any quantity. "Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!" (Habakkuk 2:15).

3) On the other hand, he may just try the direct approach, and ask for (or demand) sex.

If he does...RUN! For all you know, he may be carrying AIDS.

- Response by thundermist04167, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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You can't make someone "love" you no matter how much you love them. Either accept "as is," or move on.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Hi. Recently I was in the same situation. I was seeing someone and I actually asked a question on here about it and got really good responses. It's been over a week and I did something really bold to find out if this person was indeed in it for sex (which I already knew but hey I love confirmation what can I say). I decided a few days ago to not return any of his phone calls or texts and it's Saturday now and I have not. It's the longest I have ever gone, and I am proud of myself. I figure if I don't call and he doesn't call me to check to see if I'm still alive then I have my answer (in nutshell). And he hasn't called so there you go. I have to learn to move on. He was a womanizer. It will be ok, believe me, cause last week I didn't think I would be and I'm on here giving someone in my same situation some advice. Hugs to you.

- Response by tinatina72, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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I am kinda late to the party here.....but......I wanted to just add a thought.

In your age bracket.......women are getting kind of worried and putting pressure on themselves to get a mate. Men on the other hand.....are prob right out of a prev relationship or never have had one yet.

Either situation, you have questionable cond's. If he finally wants to settle down....he is prob still a "MOMMA'S BOY"....and has unreasonable expectations that the woman he finds now has to be just like mommie.

If he is fresh out of a prev relationship.......he is prob a little vindictive...and only wants to satisfy his own selfish needs....and is not going to submit to another commitment just yet.

He might also be a total knuckle head and IS JUST OUT TO TAKE YOUR PANTIES DOWN.....TOSS THEM IN THE CORNER AND USE YOU FOR SEX !!!

You gotta use your feminine smarts to weed these dinks out !!!

- Response by nuttyprofessor, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Transportation

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When all the relationship centers around is sex and there is nothing he is willing to talk about or discuss after he has gotten the sex...and when you fall in love with that kind of person, the only thing that happens is hurt and pain because one person feels something the other doesn't and sometimes, it's impossible to get the other person to feel the same things...if you truly respect yourself and your body, you will not willingly give someone something that is important to you without at least knowing that he will respect you afterward...it might be hard to accept that you won't get what you want but in the end, it is always better to walk away and find that one person who will give you all you want/need and more...it's so much nicer when you don't have to 'force' someone to love, respect and care for you in the same way you love, respect and care for them...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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