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My mother is sleeping with a married man. Can I do anything?
Married Life / 3:31 PM - Saturday December 05, 2009

My mother is sleeping with a married man. Can I do anything?

This has been going on for more than a year. To make matters worse, she thinks that because they're "in love" it's ok. Now this man has told my mother that he loves his wife of 25 years, and that they are best friends. However, he has explicitly told my mother that he will never ever leave his wife or tell her about the situation. And yet my mom hasn't stopped seeing him!
I hate seeing my mother hurt another woman. More importantly, I hate to see her in a dead end relationship. They can never move in together and have a real life together. I know she needs more commitment than that. I can tell it hurts her sometimes, but she's too stubborn to give him up.
I've tried reasoning with her, but she just won't listen. She always cuts me off and storms out. Or she answers me with "life's complicated". I don't think it's complicated enough to justify her sleeping with someone else's husband for over a year.
I know you might say I should keep out of it, but I have been for a year now. Is contact the wife an option? Would that be a horrible thing to do? I'm thinking about it. It couldn't be more horrible than sleeping with a married man.
Please let me know what you think. I could use some advice :)

- Asked by Female, 26-28

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tell the other woman !!!

- Response by j3s5e, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Think you shoul threaten the man with telling his wife and demand a break up.

- Response by cutefish, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Teaching

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Do not contact the wife. That is not your place.

She'll find out eventually, as these things always come to light. Don't be the scapegoat when it does.

As hard as it is for you, you also must accept that your mom is a grown woman. She's responsible for her own choices, even if they are mistakes.

This will eventually come crashing down around her. All you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces. :(

- Response by mamom04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Phoenix

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I am sorry for your mother and you. Probably your mother has no hope to have another man who is single and loyal to her. Understandable, life is complicated and women are expired as partners after 40.
I would call this man wife and stay anonymous. You don't want to destroy your mother life and dignity but this man is an ass. If he loves his wife why he plays another woman.

WELL, my friend of 40 found out today that her husband of 42 in a relationship with a girl of 19!!! no kidding! she kicked him out and the girl to apologize to her, but my friend refused even to open the door. You don't want to put your mom in a bad situation but yes! I would call the wife and destroy this man life.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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While I totally understand that you are worried about your mom, and upset with her, my advice is: Do Nothing.
Here's the thing, if you tell him that you are going to his wife, he will tell your mom, and if you tell his wife, he will tell your mom. Either way, mom will hate you, and you don't want that. Leave it alone. Let mom make this mistake. She will be out of his life soon enough, as he will move on. Just be there when it happens.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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THAT'S A HOT POTATO!!! Alot of folks wrote you some good advice and I'd LISTEN TO THEM. The last thing you want in the world is to alienate your mom.

Sometimes in these kind of cases, the problem resolves itself without you having to lift a finger. Pray for it to happen!

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Stay out of it, you'll lose either way. You'll hurt your mother and the wife. No one will be happy. She has to wake up and smell the roses herself. It's none of your business even though it is wrong. How would you like it if the tables were turned and you were doing something your mother didn't approve of and she got into your business. It isn't your place to tell his wife. But if you have to talk to someone, talk to the husband and tell him to stop seeing her.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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The best thing you can do for your mom and for you, is to stay out of it! I know how hard it must be to see your mom carrying on with a married man but it will work itself out one way or another. It's obvious your mother isn't going to take your advice so if you want to maintain a relationship between the two of you, you need to step aside. It is what it is and there's nothing else you can do or say, my dear. Good luck and God Bless. :)

- Response by scrapper1941, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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wow you seem more wise than your mother. I applaud you.

I'm sorry this is happening with your mother. What she is doing is wrong and she is setting such a bad example for you her daughter.

And I'm sorry to say it's not a good idea to tell the other woman. This is your mom's business and she is the one that has to deal with this. I know it must be hard to watch as she makes such a big mistake but there is nothing you can do but offer her comfort and your wise words when she needs you.

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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You can't control your mother's behavior or activities or desires, as has been proven to you over the last year. This is not your business. Calling the wife would inflict extreme hurt on 3 people. Concentrate on your own life.

- Response by answerologista, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Just pray for your mom.

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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she is the mother what she does is none of your business

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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my mother is sleeping with a married man too. he's her husband. dont worry though they dont have sex or anything.. just sleep. and they hate eachother so i'm not worried about any of them making moves on the other.

- Response by mammajamma6378, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Artist / Musician / Writer

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If you do decide to tip off the wife, do so anonymously. An anonymous letter mailed to her home or workplace, if you know where she works, would be best. Do not call her as your voice could be recognized if he happened to be around and picked up the phone, and remember most everyone has some form of caller id. Be careful that it can't be traced back to you. Say nothing to either your mom or this man that you are considering telling his wife. Do not tell the man to quit seeing your mother. Give the appearance of laying low and going about your business.

Affairs are usually discovered, and trust me, more people know about it than just you, your mom and him. And I remember reading somewhere that an anonymous tip off is the most common way for affairs to come to light. So this would all be par for the course. People usually aren't as sneaky as they think they are, and your mother and this man I am sure are no exception. Somebody, and probably quite a few somebodies, know about this affair going on and any one of them could tip his wife off. One thing to consider though is how you think you would react if your mom were to confront you and ask you if you did it. Would you be straight and tell her the truth? Would you lie about it? COULD you lie about it? And if you did, would you be convincing? Could you handle having your mom mad at you and possibly cutting you out of her life? There is a lot for you to think about.

- Response by A Rebel, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Although your concern about the situation is understandable, your mother is a grown woman. Contacting the man's wife will only serve to alienate you from her, possibly permanently. Your mother indeed sounds stubborn, and very needy. The best thing you could do is try introducing her to someone else who is single and available.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Your mother is a grown woman and if that is what she wants to do then there is nothing you can do about it but be supportive when she needs you.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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Although she's your mother and that's something you might not do you can never talk them out of what they're doing. It dosen't make a difference if your 18 to 70 because when they're involved even if they don't admit it somewhere back in the deep part of their brain they think one day he/she will leave their S/O one day for them. Please don't get mad at me for telling you like it is but in her eyes your still her daughter and you don't know what your talking about,,,,,,,,

- Response by flyinghawaiian56, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Transportation

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the best advice i can give you is to stay out of your mothers business, but learn from her actions.

- Response by darchie, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago

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..there is really nothing that u can do to save ur mom from her own self-inflicted was probably painful for ur mom being alone and she settled for this situation....good luck..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Financial / Banking

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I can understand how horrible it must be for you to know that your mom is seeing a married man but do you really want to do something like tell the wife and have her life, your mom's life and possibly your life destroyed because they blame you for what happened...think about it, the wife will need to blame someone for what happened and if you were to know, she would probably think you were 'helping' your mom keep the affair secret...or your mother would blame you for making her unhappy and breaking up her happiness...although it must be hard to have to keep this to yourself, the truth is that your mom is very aware of what she can get from this guy and apparently it is something she is willing to accept and telling now may only cause you problems that you might not want to deal with...I'm not saying to stay out of it, but maybe talk to your mom and let her know that she DESERVES more than what she is getting from this married man and as long as she continues to see him, she is basically stopping herself from meeting someone who is single and able to give her all she shouldn't have to feel horrible about keeping her affair a secret and she shouldn't have to feel that a married man is all she is capable of attracting...maybe see if she would be willing to start dating and who knows, maybe she could find a great, single guy...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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you dont know whattype of woman that hes married to.she may try to hurt your mother or you!i would say leave it alone there are somethings worse than sleeping with a married man- a dead mother or one in prision.

- Response by bhindth8ball, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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I say you have two options. One is stay out of it and let your mom be stubborn as that is her choice and she won't really learn until she is ready to about her choices in life. Or you could always take her to a place you know the married dude and his wife go publicly and let her see how he truly feels about his wife. I know it may hurt her but she has to see for herself that this man means business about never leaving his wife and that she will always be the woman he sees on the side for sex or emotional satisfaction but not for a real relationship.

- Response by CursedRomantic, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Columbus, Student

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Nah..stay out of it. People won't change unless they want to. Just learn and don't do the same.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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No matter how tough this seems, really its your mother's life and she has a right to do as she pleases. Perhaps it may not be the ideal situation, but perhaps in some way it works for your mother. I would suggest you simply live your own life to the highest standards yourself and seek to set an example for her.

- Response by smearpap, A Jock, Male, 36-45

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Nope. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Period.

A similar situation ended my aunt & uncle's marriage of a couple dozen years. She was "the other woman" to her boss...

When my uncle found out and divorced her, we ALL found out, but even then she wouldn't give it up - it was her "right" to be happy, and he made her happy, even though he told her he was never going to leave his wife.

Her kids especially resented her choice and what it done to the family. When they had kids, they more or less "adopted" my parents as the kids grandparents...

After 18 years, the other man's wife died, and my aunt married him. They were married just a few years before he died. She died last year, about 10 years after him. And in that time, and only one of her kids (of 5) was even trying to have a significant relationship with her. They were not able to "forgive" her for what she had done "to their family."

I just think that this is one of those situations where "you make your bed, you sleep in it." No one can make her "see" anything she doesn't want to, and the ONLY thing that can make her change her mind is when it hurts too much NOT to.

I'm truly sorry.

- Response by cd92835, A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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Some of the responses you're getting not only baffles but annoy me.
You seem like a smart and loving young lady who cares about your mom so I dont see why people are being mean to you.
Its a hard question I must add. I do applaude you for acknowledging your mom's behaviour is wrong.
To avoid your mom being mad at you hun, I'd say leave her alone. When he breaks her heart(which he will do) just be there to comfort her.
All the best.

- Response by mstoronto2, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

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