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Active Questions

Does your husband or s/o look in your purse?
Married Life / 10:18 AM - Friday December 04, 2009

does your husband or s/o look in your purse?

i as a strict rule do not allow my husband or children to look in my purse or go through my messages on my phone. these things are mine,and i dont go thru imagine my surprise when one night i woke up and my husband was taking my purse off the door!he took it to the other side of the bed went thru it and put it back.he then woke me up (he thought) and asked me for my car keys it was 3am and he said he needed something out of the car.i havent mentioned to him that i saw him .now i wonder what else he does when im asleep( or thinks i am) im not sure i trust him or that he trusts me do you get upset when someone goes thru something you concider private?would you confront them or wait to see what they do next?this is the first time in 20 years that i know of hes done something like that. maybe hes been doing that all the time and i didnt know?

Update: March 09, 2010.
i talked to my husband about looking in my purse as i intended to all along.he was sorry and said that he only looked in there because i was asleep.he is usually pretty honest so i believe him.thank you all for your life is an open book,however like i said it was not allowed as i grew up and i just continued the daughters do not allow their husbands, boyfriends nor children to go through their purses either.

Update: December 05, 2009.
i was raised not to go in any purse,and that it was your personal space.i have nothing to hide and if i did i wouldnt hide it there.its just that i felt soooo creepy with the whole situation,just wondered how the rest of the world felt about it.

- Asked by bhindth8ball, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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I would say something. Tell him if he needs something then he can ask you. What the hell does he need at 3am? lol. I was raised this way too, you don't go through a woman's purse. My son does this and I get upset as well. Unless you have my permission, stay out. Even girl's I work with with permission, I still don't. Definitely confront him.

- Response by lk2mvit, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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If you don't trust your husband you probably need to move on. It looks to me like he was going through your purse to find your keys. Nothing sinister in that. What I do find odd is that you act like you're hiding something. Why should purses, wallets and phones be so private?

- Response by poolfish2, A Career Man, Male, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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The cops at concerts look thru my purse, so I wouldn't really care if my husband did.

- Response by catscratch, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Executive

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No. These people that do that are insane. They justify it with things like"they should have nothing to hide" and bs like that.

Relationships are based on trust. If you trust someone there is no good reason to violate their privacy. Nor they yours.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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No. We respect each other's privacy.

When you saw him doing that, instead of pretending to be asleep, you should have asked him about it right then and there. That way you wouldn't be worrying about it now and wondering if you should confront him.

- Response by piscesrising, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Boston, Internet / New Media

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if i'm sleeping or not around then i don't care what he goes through. He's obviously looking for something. If i am around sometimes if i don't want to get up, i tell him to get it himself out of my purse. no biggie

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I'm all for trust but I don't want anyone going through my purse, phone messages or e-mails. Even though you are a couple you are entitled to a certain amount of privacy. He probably was just looking for the keys but other than that there should be no reason to look through your purse.

- Response by nymodel3, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Atlanta, Fashion

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I'm an only child... So NOBODY goes through MY STUFF. Huge huge deal braker.

You can ask him why he did that, but he'll probably reply he just didn't want to wake you up. However, he'll know that you know he did it, and won't do it again - hopefully.

Anyway, the more you forbid it the more tempting it is. Clear it up with him, and if you have any secret stash of anything keep it away from your purse or your mobile. Usually the best place to hide something is in plain sight, where others never go looking for it! ;)

- Response by gwen29, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Political / Government

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Perhaps he was looking for those keys he asked for?!?!

- Response by misssparkle, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Atlanta, Administrative

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I try not get into my wife's purse for any reason. Even when she says "My keys are in the side pocket" I hand her the purse and let her get them out for herself. It has to be a critical reason and she's not availale to ask before I even look in it.

- Response by bigdog52, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Science / Engineering

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No he does not.He says even if he did he prably wuld not find what ever he was looking for.He really is not concerned what is in it though.Heck half the time I can never find what I am looking for either.

- Response by roanna, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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Uh its pretty obvious he was looking for your car keys and thats it, what are you smoking?

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25

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I don't like anyone to look in my pursue, but also I am OCD, I avoid people in many other levels.
BUT we do we hide in our pursues. I know its my makeup, credit cards, cigarettes, keys, a small note book, and a cellularphone.
But I also don't like people to see my messy kitchen, my hairy legs, my towels, etc

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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Personally, I couldn't care less if my son or husband went through my purse, so long as nothing was taken, or if something was taken, I was told about it. I have nothing to hide. But I do understand the invasion of privacy issue.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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go thru his wallet and see if he likes it*

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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I don't go through purses. i hand you the purse. if your sleeping i may do it if i needed soemthing but thats about it.

- Response by hockeykid666, A Guy Critical, Male, 26-28, Toronto, Student

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When I was living with my parents, my mother was the world's worst for snooping. I hid credit cards and other stuff in the trunk of my car, rented my own post office box. She would go through my mail, sometimes I would have my mail sent to my work address. She would evesdrop on my telephone conversations, I would have boyfriends call me at work. After my father died she started dating this guy by the name of Curtis. Curtis made the mistake of giving her an extra key to his other home at the beach. Mom drove to the beach just to snoop through his things at the beach. Caller ID was fairly new at the time, she called Curtis from his beach home, not realizing he had caller ID. He demanded to know what she was doing at his beach home without giving her permission to be there. I was never able to break her from this, when she comes to visit I hide all the stuff that I don't want her to know about. She was never raised properly by her parents and I suppose she just doesn't know any better. I remember once I accidentally dropped my wallet on the sofa. I left just for a few minutes to go to the bedroom, came back and I caught her looking through my wallet. Then she wonders why I very seldom come to visit her.

Your husband went through your purse at 3 a.m. He probably didn't want to wake you up and was only considering your feelings. I'd let it go, doesn't sound like you have a problem. Be thankful that your husband is not like my mother. If your husband was like my mother, situations like you described in your post would occur more often than once in 20 years.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I don't think this is a matter of trust - you don't have anything to hide. It's a matter of personal space.

We each have different boundaries. With me and my husband, he doesn't care if I go through his wallet, I don't care if he goes through my purse, but our kids are not allowed to do this. HOWEVER, my husband password protects his email accounts and I don't go into them unless he gives me permission. It's not because he's hiding anything. In fact, he told me the password. But to him, this is a boundary and I respect that.

For me, I could care less if he looks in my email, but I have a drawer in the bedroom that I consider off limits to everyone else. Children sometimes have diaries, and I think it's a serious violation of trust for parents to read these unless there is a very serious situation - for example, if you suspect your child is suicidal.

We all have our private areas. It's not about trust. I can understand your feelings, but I wouldn't make a fuss with your husband. Just tell him politely that you prefer people not going through your purse, even him, but if he ever needs anything out of it, he just has to ask you for it. Since he probably grew up with a different "code", don't be offended by his behavior, just explain to him where you are coming from.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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No I wouldn't like them to go through anything personal, and it has nothing to do with hiding things, it has to do with respect and consideration for other people's things...I'm a pretty open person with my spouse but when an ex took it upon himself to look through my personal things and saw an old journal and read it, I was livid because it had nothing to do with him and having him invade my personal space like that was angering...he couldn't understand that when it comes to personal things(my clothes, purse, phone, journals, wallet, etc), there are some things that just aren't 'okay' for him to look at and he started accusing me of cheating just because he read in the journal that I liked a guy and it was two years before I was even with him!! I think when/if they go through personal things, they are looking for something and don't trust you and to me, that's a deal breaker because I wouldn't EVER do that to my spouse because I respect them too much...besides, if I have doubts about them, I would confront them not try to find something incriminating by going through their things...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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But he asked you for the car keys right after. You did marry this guy and I'm guessing it wasn't yesterday when you did. No need to get your knickers all in a twist. I'm like you though even if someone asks me to look in their purse of wallet for something I refuse and give it to them so they can look themselves. I like that little bit of privacy. I understand where you're coming from but if this thing bothers you then the best thing to do is to tell him so you don't let your emotions get the better of you and have you feeling resentful or have you spying on him and eventually going into his things and whatever else. You should at least be able to trust each other to peak about your feelings. Good luck. Chin up. Smiles. :)

- Response by mortaune, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Student

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I dont go through my wifes purse even if she tells me to. I've seen the kids get in her purse and I yell at them they say she told me to get it out of there I tell them i dont care she is my wife and i dont get in the purse for anything if its in there i take the purse to her and she gets it. The number one reason why is if you all seen her purse you wouldnt want to get in it either. I'm always telling her she needs to organize. She'll dig in that thing for several minutes no matter what it is she is trying to find. Drives me crazy but hey its hers she can do what she wants. Even though the garage is pretty much mine and I get harped on to clean and organize it but thats a womans prerogative.
As far as the trouble the original question was about did you ever hear of talking? Communication is key why are you asking everyone else about things handle it talk to him tell him what you like what you dont like. He needs to respect your wishes not what the rest of us do. While you're at it talking to him tell him to clean the garage. :)

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Phoenix, Technical

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I wouldn't care if my s/o or kids looked through my purse. I don't have anything to hide. Now, my nightstand drawer on the other hand... :) Kidding.

I am all for independence and having my own private time and things, but a purse just isn't one of them. The worse he'll encounter is some feminine goods or a lipstick that's lost it's top and made a mess. :p

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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OK trust can be a weird thing. Some people cannot trust without proof that their trust is valued. Sometimes we love someone so much that just thinking about them leaving us is such an emotional terrible experience we do things to make ourselves feel better. How would you feel if he just sat you down and said "I don't trust you, I don't know why but I don;t but I need you to make me feel better about this." That is not so easy to say. Not easy to hear either. So he snuck behind your back to prove it. This might be one of those situations that you turn a blind eye to.

But if you don't I think you should have some fun with it. It's one of those small things so give him the coy little smile and tell him that if he is going to go through your stuff that he needs to learn how to be a better thief. Then just walk away and giggle.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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He generally does not go through purse or phone, I would be very upset if he did. He does ask me when eh needs something and I tell him to look. However, I think you are way overreacting here.

After 20 years of marriage he wanted the car keys and he woke you up to get them. Yes, he looked into your purse. Maybe he thought he could find them without waking you up. The fact that he woke you up for them instead of just going in another room, hitting all the lights and looking at the contents with a fine tooth comb is very telling.

I suggest you consider this the first time he did it and forget it, unless it happens again.

And don't tell me you don't go through his pants pockets now and then before you throw them in the wash. Come on. Be reasonable and trust him. He gave you no reason not to.

- Response by clairette, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Student

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or maybe you are dummer than a box of rocks and he actually WAS looking for your keys while trying not to wake you

fact: humans want to do what you tell them they can't do

fact: in a true open and loving marrage there are no boundries of any kind, you are setting boundries so how do you think that makes your husband feelabout how you feel about him, would make me feel bad

kids are one thing, but your husband is your soul partner, there should be no seperation


- Response by beautifulloser, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Detroit, Executive

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i think u telling him or ne1 else not to go through u'r puse or messages looks kind of suspicious...of couse he is going to wonder what your hidin

- Response by bhottl, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 26-28, Philadelphia, Student

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If I had a husband I would respect his privacy but then again I could never imagine myself getting mad or upset because he looked through anything of mine, that is his right.

- Response by akinaa, A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25

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I don't have a problem with my boyfriend going through my purse if he's looking for something, I mean I know he's not "checking up on me" or anything.

But your husband was being nice, he was looking for something he needed and didn't want to wake you that late at night. What's the problem, he was only being nice.

- Response by richy26, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28, Student

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My husband and I share a cell phone and I could care less if he looks through my purse, I have nothing in there he hasn't seen before.

- Response by houseworkmakesyaugly, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45

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Who cares? What are you hiding?

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55

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