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I feel like I can't be myself around my long term partner...
Dating / 9:02 PM - Tuesday November 24, 2009

I feel like I can't be myself around my long term partner...

I am sick of feeling like I have to be happy all the time. Whenever I am upset, "cranky" or angry, my boyfriend of 5 yrs doesn't want to be around me.

If we are on our way out and I am any of those things, he will e.g. threaten to go home.

Before we were living together and I would come over to his house, and if I was like that he would ask me to leave. Now that we live together he just goes into another room and doesn't speak to me.

I have to change my mood on cue. I hate putting on a big fake smile when I am NOT ok. When I am angry I want to get angry, when I am upset I want to get upset. Shouldn't he be the one person I should feel like I can be able to be like that with?? He just tells me if I am going to be like this he doesn't want to be around me. Am I being unreasonable - is that understandable??

I just don't understand... if HE is ever feeling like that I want him to talk to me, I want to understand, I want him to open up, I want to help. He just wants the problem to go away. Are all guys like that - they just don't want to deal with drama?? Or is it ME??

Sorry for the bombardment of questions...

- Asked by A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas

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Well.........no........ not all guys are like that.......BUT it is you, in that you tolerate that behavior from him.......I am frankly surprised that you have been able to deal with it for five years, because I could not deal with it for five minutes......I am not always happy......I am not always upbeat........I can be a friggin' bitch and that is who I am.....AND HUBBY IS THE SAME......

A relationship is built on the partners being able to be TRUE TO WHO THEY ARE, otherwise the relationship is built on a lie......

- Response by zibet58, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Teaching

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i can understand where is coming from because my guy is like that. and i hate being around him when he is like that. he doesnt want to open up to me. so that makes it annoying to be around. if your a positive happy person the majority of the time. its kinda of like your energy is negative and you dont want any part of it. that doesnt mean he doesnt except you. you both have to be more considerate. you have to realize relationships are hard. and just because you had a bad day you cant bring that to him. its not his fault. he should be the one who makes you smile even when your mad. and he should learn to try to make you smile get my drift. so if that doesnt happen you both are unhappy, if you cant compromise move on. becaure niether 1 of you r right for each other. the only reason you all have been together so long is because of comfort. if the pro's out weight the con's stay if not leave. hope i helped good luck

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28

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Well, on one hand, it sounds simple--a classic case of the male-female dynamic (i.e. the woman wants to express her emotions, whereas the man would rather avoid those emotions.) On the other hand, you're right, most guys, myself included, would rather avoid drama by all means; however, there's a difference between legitimate problems, and drama. The word drama implies
an overexaggeration of something that might otherwise, in reality, be trivial. What is it that bothers you? If you find yourself fixated on simple matters, then I could definitely understand where he's coming from, although he might not be handling it to effectively. If you're certain that your troubles are legitimate, then, clearly, he is being insensitive. But either way, let him know that it bothers you.

- Response by tactforwit, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 18-21, New York, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I don't necessarily feel he doesn't care...he just can't handle that and no matter how you want him to be there, it has to be him to want to. I've learned the only person you can change is "you"...Whether you understand why he is this way or not..it all comes down to can you live with it. Is it worth hanging on to? You can have those feelings, you don't have to act...just know he will allow you to deal with it on your own.
And yes a lot of men and women are like this...especially if they deal with at work all day..it would be hard to come home to...Best of wishes

- Response by ducky13, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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