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Helping Out A Sibling
Jokes, Polls & Anything Else / 3:40 PM - Wednesday November 18, 2009

Helping Out A Sibling

I am considering lending my sister a sizable amount of money.
She is not in a situation where she could repay me anytime soon.
I don't need the money back right away, but I will eventually.
I would feel guilty if I don't help her, and would feel it financially,in the future if I do help her.
But she is desperate.
I honestly don't know what to do.

~ What would you do?


Thanks
:)





Update: November 20, 2009.
Thank you all very much, for your hindsight,help and advice. I appreciate it. :) Have a great weekend.

- Asked by surfsup, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Boston, Self-Employed

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A person plan, make promises, etc. but there's always the possibility that things will change and they can't stick to the plan or keep their promise. If that's critical money that you absolutely can't afford to lose forever, don't loan it out.

You didn't mention if this is an atypical situation for your sis or if she has a pattern of being broke and asking for favors. If this is a one-time thing and my sister needed me, I'd do everything I could to help. If she's a user and a manipulator she'd have to find someone else cuz I wouldn't got for it.

- Response by surrealoptimism, A Creative, Female, 29-35

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Read the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.

Your enabling codependent behavior is not helping your sister.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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No problem doing it, but you have to have a contract, a written legal agreement with terms and with possible collateral.

I AM NOT KIDDING! I have seen more friends fight and relatives break up over lending money on promises unfulfilled!!!

- Response by rafiki910, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Boston, Body Work

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Consider your own life first and lend as much as you can without having to feel it financially in the future. I say lend her less than the sizable amount but up to whatever you are comfortable with parting in case she never repays it.

- Response by donuthate, A Creative, Male, Who Cares?, Phoenix, Who Cares?

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My sister I would

- Response by seasons4, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Milwaukee, Financial / Banking

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Quickest way to lose a friend is to loan them money. That includes family. ESPECIALLY when you kinda know you won't be getting it back.

That being said, if you must do this do it legally. Draw up a written contract with terms and interest rates (yes, charge her interest) and a REPAYMENT PLAN.

And make sure she knows you need this money back.

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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i'd loan her the money with a schedule in which to repay it, starting in a few months and lasting several years. if i charged interest, it would only be the same as what i would get on a CD (about 1%). and make that part of the agreement with the loan. otherwise, she gets nothing.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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There is an old adage, Never lend money you expect to get back. I hear where you are coming from and I know it can not be easy for you. If your sister is truly desperate and has no way help herself, I would say give her the $$ and draw up a contract for her to pay you back over time.

GOOD luck

- Response by taratara, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Philadelphia, Financial / Banking

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You need to be okay with the idea that you will never see the money again or you shouldnt do it. Otherwise your relationship could become perminantly ruined if for some reason she can not come up with the money.

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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You have a good heart.Has she been constant in your life.Is she stright up front?if yes then I would lend it to her.If it makes things easier have her sign a paper and put a time when she can start paying back.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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It depends on why you are lending the money. If she needs it because she was irresponsible, then the answer would be no. If she is just in a hard time, but is generally responsible, then yes. BUT if you do lend the money, use a written contract. Don't let the 'if you trust me you wouldn't ask' 'but I'm your sister' routine get to you. If she is serious about paying you back, she should no problem saying so in writing. If you need the money back, you have to protect yourself. Your financial future (and your children (if you have them)) is not worth the risk.

- Response by falsehammer, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 22-25, Kansas City, Consulting

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i guess for a sister i would. i lent a friend over $4,000 though and saw $500 back. Lost that friend.

- Response by jackstraw, A Life of the Party, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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She is your sister. Give what she needs now. Tell her you need to get it back....Then forget about it...life is too short to be worrying.

- Response by dondiego, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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I'm not quite sure what I'd do.
My only sibling died when she was 30 and I was 25.
It never came up but I'd have helped her out as much as I could.

I think when your sister needs help, you help her to some extent, especially, if she is, "desperate", but it's a gift not a loan and she has to understand that it's a ONE TIME GIFT.

I know this; If my little girl ever needs help her big brother and big sister will help her. It might involve taking her into their homes and supporting for her a while but I guarantee they will expect her to work and behave herself.
It's how they were raised.

- Response by jenny12, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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I would draw up an agreement between your sister saying she will return the money or make payments when she can do so. I think helping your sister is a great thing but she should also be responsible and make payments back to you. When you lend money you do take the chance of them never paying back so that is what you must expect if she isn't honourable. You could make it a gift if you can afford to do so but your post seems to say you will need it back in the future. Therefore do a contract. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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From my experience~ only if you can afford to lose your money and your sister's presensce. #3 yr ago a sister called me out of state wanting 10,000 for capitol in her store. I didnt do that much.

she asked then that I send a cc directly to her supplier so she could order. I did. 2 mos later she quit answering her phone, I also found out she had lost her franchise mos before and the money I set to her old franchise, was just to hurt me financially, as she never pd them anyway. the "loan" was strictly verbal.


She laughs to family members in that state how she ripped me, for not giving her the 10grand. its been 3 yrs. and She changes her phone no and moved to a different state. I learned a hard lesson... I wish you luck

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago

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you're a good sister......if you choose to lend her the money, you need to know that you may never see it again, and as long as you are okay with that, there's no problem......however, if you expect her to repay it, you might want to draw up an agreement, with a repayment schedule.......hope it all works

- Response by themamu, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Executive

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well she is family and she needs you, you may need her too one day badly...i say leand it to her and hopes she repays you.

- Response by magr406, A Life of the Party, Female, 18-21, Houston, Who Cares?

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I know I would. It could be a problem though due to the fact that you need her to repay you. If she is not a responsible person, she might never pay you back and you have to know this. If you have the way of helping her out and ease her desperation....why not....who else could she count on. hen you share your blessings, believe me, they are multiplied. Good luck!

- Response by rosybarreto, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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If you're comfortable in your life then you should help her and don't expect it back. She is your sister and you only have this chance to care for her

You will feel good when she no longer in this world before you

Peace

- Response by azianchemistry, A Player, Female, 46-55, San Jose, Who Cares?

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Unfortunately I try not to lend out money to friends or family and expect it back because it just causes tension. For me it would really be hard to not stop thinking about it. That is a tough decision if this money is something you expect her to repay someday. I would gift it to her and not expect it back in return.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, San Francisco, Who Cares?

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i dont loan money to family. i give it, if anything. "the borrower is slave to the lender". good biblical teach there. my brother, who is in grad school, occasionally needs a few hundred bucks to pay the bills. i help him out. he says he'll pay me back, and i believe him, but i treat it as a gift and just live like i wont get it back. i know he's working toward his goal, and doing well. he just needs a little help sometimes. now if he were a junkie, no i wouldnt give him money.

- Response by foonlord, A Creative, Male, 26-28, San Francisco, Internet / New Media

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I would help her out. I understand your hesitation. It's your money, and I'm guessing you earned every penny of it. And like you said, you will need it eventually, and her ability to repay is uncertain.

Her problems are NOT your responsibility, so don't feel guilty.

But think of how you would feel if you were in her shoes.

You're not desperate. She is.

But don't lend anyting you don't feel you can give up permanently and still be OK doing without. Repayment expectations have ruined a LOT of otherwise good relationships.

- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I'm the type of person who is always willing to help someone out and when it comes to family, I never take a second thought to not helping...at least I thought this way until a couple of months ago when my older sister needed help paying rent and bills and I loaned her $600 because I thought she would pay me back...well a month went by and she neither attempted to pay me back, nor did she talk to me and I thought I did something to piss her off but the fact was that she was avoiding me because she didn't want to pay me back...I practically had to 'beg' to get my money back and even when she finally paid me back(over a course of two weeks), she made me feel like I was 'bothering' her and 'making' her pay me back...let me just say that that was the first and LAST time I would ever help her because the few times I borrowed from her, she was calling me up nearly everyday asking for her money and I would scramble to get her paid up in full as soon as possible...one thing I learned is that if you lend family money, just make sure they give you a set time when they can pay back, otherwise you may end up never getting the money back...:D

- Response by fastball, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Student

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I did a lot of my sisters and since they became good I don't even get a phone call from them.
but its OK! I did what I felt I should do

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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It's best not to lend money to a person if you know that they can't pay you back, especially a family member. I'd give it to them as a gift. But, since you say you can't afford to, work out a future payment plan with her. The only drawback to this is that if she never pays you back, you may find yourself at odds with your sister, which would be very uncomfortable, as you'd have to see her at family gatherings, etc.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Well you should know your Sis. pretty well by now and the situation she is in. You also need to consider how realistic is it for here to get to a situation to pay you back.

- Response by hands, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I would just give it to my sister

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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It all depends if your sister is the reliable type and will pay you back then yeah. However, I have a sister who is co-dependent and I will not give her money or anything that will have her rely on me. For instance( going back 7 years ago) she wanted money and she just lost her job. the crazy part is that at the time I was struggling financially as well, so I turned to her and said no. I had to let her stop and look at me in the eye and tell her that I too had to work out my issues and she better work on hers. Also, at that time she moved out one month earlier from my apartment when she shouldn't. So til this day she is now in the peace corp and I will not help her until I can see she helps herself, get a job, pay her own bills and get a savings account. I don't feel guilty at all. I call it tough love.

- Response by womanv, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, New York, Self-Employed

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If ya really want to help her do it, but don't expect it back. Give it to her as a gift and keep her as your loving sister & friend!

- Response by sluggo, A Jock, Male, 36-45, Transportation

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You don't say why your sister needs money. Why is a big consideration.

Lending money when you are neither a bank nor lending institution is NOT a good idea, If you give her the money, or part of it, that's different. My late mate and I did do that, and it was not a mistake. It's played out very well since. DON'T LEND money. It's not reasonable to do so.

- Response by rholuc, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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The true test of compassion and generosity is helping those who can do nothing for you in return. But since it's family, yes state your vested interest up front so that you can revisit that if you end up in a bind yourself later ;)

- Response by ordaineery, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55

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Whats the amount?
Whats she going to use if for?
Does she need it to survive?
Is she going to take a gamble with the money?
Are you willing to never see the money again?
Are you willing to have your relationship destroyed because you don't make the loan?
Are you willing to have your relationship destroyed because you make the loan and "Never see the money again"?
Do you have a spouse that will support or oppose the loan?

All these things should be considered. If too many of your responses cause you to be uneasy, you have to make the decision on that cause is for your uneasiness, por or con, and make the decision.
I think the spouse consideration and or the "never seeing the money again" are the largest concerns.
You decide, and I'll not judge you one way or the other.



- Response by donbotherme, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Managerial

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I would hope that most people would help out a family member in need. I would give as much as I could no strings attached and ask for a repayment of some or all if possible whenever it can be done.

- Response by gilpill, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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if you have it (and never expect a repayment), lend it when it comes to family. I wouldn't let them know you don't expect it back because if she can pay it back, it's great!

- Response by sexyexotica, A Sportif, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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Of course... help her.

You love her and she is family.


Be Good!

Miss I Can Help

- Response by missicanhelp, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Political / Government

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I loaned my sister $6,000 so she could retain and file for divorce. I never expected to see the money again but felt it was necessary to help her.

She paid me back plus 10% interest at her insistence.

:)

- Response by msbrunette, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45

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