Thank you for your many years of support. We want to share the news with you that after much consideration, will cease operations in its present format on October 15th. We appreciate your meaningful contributions over the years.
Back to Home

Active Questions

How Do I Put Myself First Without Feeling Selfish or Guilty?
Diet & Health / 9:41 AM - Saturday October 31, 2009

How Do I Put Myself First Without Feeling Selfish or Guilty?

I've been told my my g/f that things will not work between us because I always put everyone before me, and I need to learn to put myself first and look after myself.

I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything in life - rather that I am being a caring and understanding person, to those around me - my friends and family, and pretty much anyone I meet.

I'm a genuine caring person.. I don't know what I can do to "put myself first"

I'm currently taking a few days to be alone and think our relationship through, however I'm wanting to give her suggestion a go and see how I can do this.

Does anyone have any suggestions for things I can do to help my situation??

- Asked by A Creative, Female, 29-35, Melbourne

Read more about the Rating System

Is it that you're a push-over, or is it that your selfless rather than selfish? Or is it that you take care of others but fail to take care of yourself (eg help everyone with their finances, but let yourself get into debt and don't even try to manage yourself)?

See, putting others first is a good thing. And you don't feel you're missing out on anything in life, which is because of how good it is to put others first. To put others first comes from love, and to give love is a reward in itself.

Now, based on your question, I don't THINK you have anything you need to change in this regard. I get more of the impression that your friend somehow sees your goodness as a bad or even a threat. It's a social norm that you're supposed to be selfish. That's humanity's attempt at wisdom. But it's not good and it's not right, so logically it's not wisdom. The impression I get from your friend is Tall Poppy Syndrome, where she knows she can't live up to the standard you set for yourself, so to try and keep things equal, she tries to degrade you to her level.

YOU don't seem to have a problem with your caring nature, so clearly it's working for you, and it's working for the lucky recipients of it. If your friend has a problem with that, I am strongly inclined to think that it is her problem, not yours.

- Response by ryanthegreatarj, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Student

Rating Received:

You are a sweety

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

Your who you are,she is who she is.There isn't a lot to do to change that.You two are either going to have to do one of four things.
1)Decide that you can change and be happy doing that
2)She's going to have to decide she can live with how you are and shut up about it.
3)You can both sit down and reach a compromise in the middle in which your both happy about it.
4) can't change,she can't change,you two can't reach an agreement in the middle..time to get the hell out and move on

And...that's about it once you take the cloud of emotion out of it.

- Response by justme38271, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Consulting

Rating Received:

All of the comments about you being fine just helping others is B.S. You are not fine. Most people in this situation are using all of the caring for others as a way to cover up your own problems. I know, I am there. It will surface eventually. better to fix it now before it does. I am way to hard on myself and when I fail to help someone, I feel horrible. Then tend to beat myself up over it then hurry to find someone else to help. The guys I date, are always guys that I see need help in one way or another. Call a professional. Just one and see what they tell you. Good luck and I hope you will find some answers.

- Response by lost262, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

Rating Received: