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Had a bothering phone call last night.......
Family & Parenting / 5:11 AM - Saturday October 31, 2009

Had a bothering phone call last night.......

I will soon be married to a wonderful man, last night his ex called me and told me to stay away from her kids and not to text or call. She was there mother and thats all they need. I have never wanted to take her place. Just be a friend and a step mother to the kids. Funny thing is she used her sons phone to call me. Should I tell my soon to be husband ? I have a feeling she wants to stur up trouble. We are to be married in 3wks.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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It sounds as if she still loves him and was holding out hope her and he could be together again.She's scared,she sees you as a threat both to him and now that you have him she feels you will win her kids over as well and they will also forget her.

Said and thought of that way it's easy to feel pity and compassion for her.I would first call her up and try to be nice.I would tell her you understand and assure her you have no such intentions.If she refuses to listen (most likely she will) and remains combative then tell your fiance and get him involved.

- Response by justme38271, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Consulting

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A new marriage is difficult in it self these days with all the stress of finances, job layoffs, and just life in general, but to also add the fact that he has children from a previous marriage is extremely difficult for you.

Do not start off this marriage without it being on solid ground or it will not last. He needs to know what the mother of his children is doing and set the record straight before you two get married. She needs to know what he will not tolerate from her. Ex wives will use children as leverage - thinking they will get their man back or cause trouble between her ex husband and the new bride.

I also agree with other answers that were given, you need to know from your future husband what part you play in raising his children. The kids can put you in awkward positions and try to come between you. This can be the kids ideas or the work of the ex playing mind games with the kids making them put a wedge between you two.

There are two major reasons for couples splitting up and those are: children from previous marriages and money.

Be careful and best of luck to both of you.

- Response by ladydragon60, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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The trouble has been stirred. I just wish the best of luck in 3 weeks. Peace. :)

- Response by mortaune, A Guy Critical, Male, 22-25, Student

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Tell him asap, dont let this woman get to you.

- Response by hotair, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, New Orleans, Transportation

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Oh absolutely you must discuss this with your fiance. This bears a LOT of discussion, in fact. You MUST understand what you're getting into. His ex and everything she is and represents to him and his kids are what you will get along with him when you say, "I do."

That's experience talking. Here's why I say that. I remarried 5 years ago. My wife is wonderful. Her ex is a virulent narcissist. His only real hobby is using the courts to systematically harass us. He has testified in court under oath that he doesn't need to pay child support any more since she has remarried that I have a good income. He has prosecuted his vain legal cases through Circuit Court, the Appellate Courts, and on to the State Supreme Court. No, I am not exaggerating in the slightest. The State Supreme Court is considering whether to hear one of his cases at the present time. He's never won one of these cases. Never had a success. But spending thousands and thousands of dollars on failed legal cases hasn't enlightened him in the slightest, nor has it deterred him from manipulating the courts to poison our lives and family. When he loses a case at the Appelate or Supreme Court level he refiles the same case again at the Circuit Court level and the cycle begins again. My wife spends every penny she receives in child support on legal fees. There is no legal way to stop this. He has a right, evidently an endless right, to address his grievances in the courts. It will end when either he dies or we do.

So you need to get a real good understanding of this woman's character, motivations, and methods BEFORE you say, "I do." She may, in fact, be a deal breaker. And you need to know that before rather than after. This is your life, you will choose, and you will live or suffer with the consequences of that choice. Be smart about it.

- Response by 2wheels, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Civil Service

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Yeah...unfortunately, you need to let your s/o know of her actions. You might need to discuss with your boyfriend the nature and direction for how the children are going to be reared BEFORE you marry....There may be things in his mind unspoken that may not be to your liking. My reasoning is this....in a broken relationship it takes two to tango...He chose her for a reason. You need to make sure the same reasons were not the same criteria for your selection...

TALK BEFORE YOU LEAP!

AngllHugNU2
Author of IM with God

- Response by angllhugnu2, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Administrative

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always tell him everything and he you

- Response by demoman53, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Other Profession

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Tough situation you are in however it is totally normal for the ex to react this way. She went a little overboard in the way she did it though. I wouldn't react I would just go on about how you have been. Telling your soon to be husband is something I would do just because you don't want secrets. What kind of relationship does your soon to be and his ex have? I would stay out of any decision making situations that involve the kids or any interaction situations with her. Let your soon to be husband handle everything regarding her. Some people have a really hard time when the ex finds a new love. Don't take what she said to you personal it doesn't matter if it was you or some lady down the street marrying her ex she would feel the same way no matter who it was. It is no reflection on you as a person. Good luck to you and congrats on the wedding.

- Response by susanstar81, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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