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My boyfriends doesn't know if I'm "the one" after being together for almost 5 years
Dating / 1:43 AM - Wednesday October 14, 2009

My boyfriends doesn't know if I'm "the one" after being together for almost 5 years

My boyfriend told me last night that he's been having the lingering question on-and-off whether I'm "the one" and if this relationship is the right fit.

We're both 23. I'm graduating from grad school next May and he's already working full-time in a job he kinda likes. We went to the same school and have lived at least 5 min away while going to undergrad during our first 3 years together. I moved across the country and we've been doing long-distance for the past 1.25 years. I'm thinking of moving back home to be closer to him and family, and that's what prompted this conversation.

My side of the story: Of course I've had doubts. I had boyfriends before him and the longest relationship before him as 1.5 years. I'm wholeheartedly in love with him. I know that he's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. That didn't just happen over night, nor was it always the case for me. But after thinking about what I want after I graduate, I know that I want him in my future.

It's understandable that he's having doubts. I'm his first girlfriend (not even in high school), and he has no one to compare me and our relationship to. He's wondering if this the best fit or if there's something better out there. He says that he feels like something is missing. He believes in "big love" and thinks that the right relationship would be easier and he would "know" that it's right for him. He didn't have any doubts during the beginning of our relationship and is stressed that he's having doubts now. He doesn't want to continue the relationship if he doesn't feel like it's going to last. But I don't see what the problem is: we love each other, we have fun together, we're best friends, we're incredibly attracted to each other, we have great sex. What more is there? I feel like he's just being idealistic and naive about relationships and love. I don't know what to do.

note: he is not interested in anyone else (i've ruled that out already).

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Student

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Who's going to buy the cow when they get the milk for free?

- Response by A Creative, Female, 22-25, Student

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Community Rating: Community Star

Sorry but as painful as this may sound (note its only an opinion) sometimes you just have to let people go out and explore in the world and (if you can accept it) let them come back to you. If after 5 years he isn't sure, then damn, isn't that long enough?? I don't think these feelings will go away until then and whats love if your not really getting these feelings back?

- Response by croft1423, A Sportif, Female, 26-28, Student

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To be honest this is one of the harder questions to answer. I see it from your side. This is a big time investment for you and you are in love. Of course you want to be with him forever, and want the feeling returnes.
However I see it from hhis side too. Relationships can be scary (experience). I think everyone gets scared and has doubts but they all react to it differently. If it didn't work out, the rejection and break up is hard. Real hard. Calling it a divorce makes it worse. Just because he hasnt been in a relationship before you doesn't mean he hasn't had his heart broken. And some people just don't believe in marriage (raises hand)

I am confident that you two have discussed this in depth. But before either one of you make a decision, make sure that you are both really hearing the other. Its so easy in a difficult conversation to get wrapped up in something like a small detail that a big chunk is lost. I would try writing him a letter. Get every thought and feeling out on paper. Give it to him and ask for a letter back. i know this can be hard for a guy but let him know it's important to you. The best thing about a letter over a conversation is that its repeatable so that everything can be reread and taken in.
After you exchange letters go from there with hopefully a clearer perspective.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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My lady if after 5 years of being with you and he dossnt know if your the one?? Whats wrong with this scenerio???Why did you give him 5 years of your life and your love and intamacy and never ask for whats next for us??? He is being a little immature right now and if he is not careful he may loose you all together and never get you back and then where will he be?? I would just sit him down and tell him how you feel and if he cant understnad that, move on to someone who will and that might just get his attention. Sometimes we guys have to loose something to realize what we have?? The thing is ,dont let him hold all the cards to your life and control you that way its not right for him to do that and you shouldnt let him do that to you!! Remember its his loss not yours!!In sincerly hope he sees the light before its gets to dark!!

- Response by ptawillis, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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I don't think that there's alot you can do. Some people are known to have only one relationship their entire life, and a few regrett it. The call of the wild, could be what he's feeling, thinking that there's some unknown territory that he has to discover. I don't feel it's that he's having doubts, but the feeling of missing out on some part of life. It's time you made a decision, to either cage the animal or release the the beast.

- Response by 2jacksam, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Denver, Self-Employed

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