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After two years, he's not ready for a serious relationship?!?!
Dating / 4:19 PM - Monday October 12, 2009

After two years, he's not ready for a serious relationship?!?!

So.. it's been two years. And now he's telling me that he loves me A LOT, and he hopes that I'm the girl he ends up marrying in the end. But he's not ready for the end to begin yet. We've been dating since college started....neither of us has slept with anyone else. We are each others firsts. I can see where he's coming from, but isn't it so much more meaningful to have shared that part of yourself with only one person your entire life?

I just don't understand...I really don't. He knows this is risking losing me.

Anyways when he told me, I broke down. I'm going through a lot in my life right now with my family. I told him I can't take this anymore, losing everything, and I just couldn't help but cry and cry. He said he wouldn't leave (were an hour apart) until I stopped crying. He said that he realizes he'sbeing selfish right now and that we can discuss this when things are better for me. I said "well, what if that's a year from now" and he said "well then we'll discuss it a year from now" .... I'm scared of losing him. so we're "together" right now but I don't know what's gonna happen... its like we hit a pause button. I really hope his feelings change and he realizes that there isn't a point in risking what we have right now.... But How do I do make that happen?

Advice???? Please don't be mean - I really am emotionally damaged right now.

Update: October 12, 2009.
I'm not asking him to marry me right now! He says that no matter what we both say or do, because of our history and everything we've been through, we will always have a serious relationship. He says he's not ready to commit to that, yet he loves me deeply enough to stay with me until I was "okay" ...he was making plans to stay the week with me even though he has tests this week. I'm so confused. I don't want to lose him and I know he's being stupid. I just don't know how to get him out of this phase of being "not ready" ... it's just really random and he's always talked about how he wants me in his life for a long time. He says he thinks it's better if we spend time apart now, because it'll give us a better chance of working out in the future.what kind of BS logic is that??????????? he's wanting to end it... but we put this conversation on hold because of me....

- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 22-25

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This same thing happened to me. It's very miserable. But my man only kept it up for a couple of months because i put my foot down. I made it very clear to him that I'm looking for commitment. So he knew that if he wasnt man enough to commit I would leave him.

Its so hard to say that to the one you love. But I had to stick to my guns. I told him "This is tearing me apart, and im not going to let you do this to me anymore. Do you want to be with me or not? If you don't then please just get out of my life."

I was crying the whole time, and i know i mustve been a mess. But he took me seriously. He said he was sorry, he didnt realize how much he'd been hurting me by saying he "wasnt ready". He held me close and told me he would do anything to stay with me. I guess something struck home when i told him to get out. I was serious as a heart attack.

There comes a time when you must put your foot down. You must get up the courage to say this:

"If you dont really want me then stop using me and stop stringing me along. I will NOT stand for it anymore".

I remember being so mad at him. He was thrilled that i didnt dump him after he said he "wasnt ready" to commit. So thrilled that he didnt even realize that he'd just stabbed me in the back. So I told him.
You've gotta be honest with men. Not mean, but totally honest. And you have to have conviction.

Be ready to walk away. If he wont be the man he promised then you must be strong enough to walk away.
My man saw that strength. He knew I would seriously leave. And i think that got him to really thinking about the mistakes he'd made and how selfish and cruel he had been acting.

I hope that you will find the strength to say what you must to him. Remember that you sacrificed so much already. What right does he have to throw that all away? You both have a right to be happy in this relationship. If he is not happy with you and he is making you miserable, then why should you let this continue?


Think about it, pray about it. And then you must do what you know you have to do. Don't think with your heart. The heart will keep you trapped in this painful situation. You must do what is necessary to protect yourself from further misery.
But do take your time.

best of luck,

Kagura



- Response by kagurahime, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Student

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You probably won't like my response but I'll put my 2 cents in anyway. First let me ask you a few questions. What do you consider a 'serious' relationship? It seems that you two do have a serious relationship already since he says he loves you and he does want to marry you some day. It just seems he is not ready to get married yet since you both are still so young. Why rush marriage? He isn't risking losing you. He is being true to himself and wanting to make sure that you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What makes you think he is risking this relationship? It's not like he is saying he wants to see other people. It seems YOU are the one thinking about quiting on the relatioship because he isn't ready to get down on his knee with a diamond ring. You can't MAKE this happen or force him to want to marry you. Just continue to enjoy the relationship that you have with him like it was before you had this conversation or leave him and start over but don't blame him for not being ready to propose just yet.

- Response by chal08, A Rebel, Male, 29-35

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I'm sorry, it sounds like your emotionally manipulating him into staying only to postpone the inevitable. He obviously cares about you alot, doesn't want to hurt you, & is honest with you. He would be risking losing you, but it's a risk he seems willing to take. He'll discuss this again with you when he feels you're more stable to handle it while your with him now & his heart isn't completely in it. Doesn't mean it won't work out later, but unless you let him go have the space he needs it's less likely. You'll always be eachother's firsts & noone can take that away from you. He may be the type to not realize what he's got till it's gone.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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At your age you're far too young to settle down, anyway.

And whatever stuff is happening with your family, it's not his fault and it's not fair to expect him to be your entire emotional support - that's what friends and family are for, not guys (especially that he's not your husband yet)

The only way guys are sure about settling down with women is when they are NOT pressured. If you carry on the way you do you will push him away and he won't care about losing you.

I'm sprry you're hurting right now and I know it means a great deal at the time, but we ALL go through this and you're not the first and not the last woman to figure it all out 'the hard way'.

You should read up on men's psychology to try and understand him better and if he wants to, he could read about women's (but women talk so much about their feelings and stuff I think most guys already know what they need to know. Whereas with men - they keep things inside more so women have to idea.... nor do they listen or even try to understand, unfortunately.... I realised it only after years and years of miscommunication and problems that you describe. Now I'm older and I hope wiser and I've read about it.

If you don't know - you'll just keep on running into the smae problems with different guys.

Do you want that?

good luck!


- Response by rubyrednotdead, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I don't blame you for being hurt. It sounds like he cares about you but he knows he's not anywhere in the vicinity of committing. I know you love him and care about him, and you invested a lot of time with him, but that commitment you want so badly may never happen. I think men, like women, know when they're willing to commit for life. Since this guy is still unsure right now, then he's probably not going to be any closer in the future either. I know it's painful to even think about, but you may have to consider pulling yourself away from him and taking care of yourself. If he's staying with you until you're "okay", or won't be around you when you're crying over his hurtful attitude, then this is not a guy who plans on committing to you - whether he knows it or not. Go have some fun with the girls and find a nice guy you can have some confidence in. Two years does not a lifetime make. His argument does not make any sense at all; it does happen to be a famous break-up line though. He's making you cry, so you need to find your happiness again. You're young and have a lot going for you. It's time to spread your wings and fly into the land of self-discovery!! Enjoy your life!

- Response by jjmo35, A Creative, Female, 46-55

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don't sleep with him anymore- he's probably sleeping with someone else already, and if he hasn't yet, he definately wants to. That's what this is really about. When guys "aren't ready" it's because they want to "explore".

- Response by jasmine27, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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I was in the same situation a few years ago. He wanted to take a break and I was devastated, he was my first and we dated all through high school. I think at the time I was just scared of change-he was all I knew. You're probably going through the same thing I went through; you can't picture yourself with anyone else. But you haven't been with anyone else. Looking back, I think that was the best thing that could have happened we were completely wrong for eachother. I always say if it's meant to be it will work out. So let him go, give him his freedom. He'll either realize how much he misses you and come back or not. It will hurt if he doesn't-this i know. But in the end do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you the way you love them?

And I agree with the others you(and I) are way to young to be thinking about marriage. Just have fun!

- Response by exsstudent, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 22-25, Student

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By 2yrs if a man hasn't asked you to marry him, he probably won't.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Celebrity

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