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Is it weird that my husband goes out with his single friends and doesn't come home at night?
Married Life / 11:04 AM - Sunday October 11, 2009

Is it weird that my husband goes out with his single friends and doesn't come home at night?

When my husband's single friends come to town to visit, he goes out with them, gets drunk or whatever they do, and doesn't come home until the next day (for example, they'll go out Friday night, and he doesn't come home or call till about 5 in the afternoon on Saturday). I think he thinks he's still in his college days and can do whatever he wants, and that being married and having a wife doesn't matter. He's 25 years old, so I'd just like to know if other husbands do this same thing, and is it normal for a husband to stay out all night and not come home till the next day?
I'm the same age, and kind of have grown out of the whole bar scene, but still like to go out with my friends once in awhile, but then again not get so drunk that I'm not able to call or go back to my own home.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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See how he feels about you doing it. NO, it's NOT ok for a "husband" to stay out all night and not call until the next afternoon. NO.

- Response by twocents47, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Yep. Time to grow up little man. Unfortunately the point will be hard to drive home. Why don't you do the same next weekend. Go out and stay out and don't call until 7:00 am Sunday. That will fix his wagon, or at least start the conversation.

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55

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Noooooooooooooooooooooo ooo... this is just a bachelor party is diosguise..

Pull this on him once and you'll have his immediate attention.

- Response by lady4u, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Cincinnati, Who Cares?

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How many other married men do that? None.
He's doing something that you don't know about, and I bet it's something to do with sex.
Time for some marriage counselling.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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Go out this Friday night. Sleep at your sister or friend's house, and then come home Saturday at 5. See what he says. I guarantee he won't like it.

It is NOT normal and NOT acceptable. A married man should be sleeping in HIS bed with HIS wife, not out with the boys.

- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35

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I think it is okay and will add a little life to your marriage. If he was doing it every day okay I could see your point but I think every once in awhile is fine.

I mean, honestly look at the divorce rate in this country. Do you think it matters? I'm sure if it isn't this it will be something else to cause a problem.

- Response by darkpyramid, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Houston, Self-Employed

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sounds like you don't have a husband, but a frat boy that hasn't grown up. if its ONLY once a year kind of thing, then i can see MOST of what he does, but he still needs to come home at a REASONABLE time.

what you can do is go out with YOUR girlfriends from college and stay out all night long and see how HE likes it. i'm sure there will be yelling and all kinds of bitching.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Come to think of it, yes, I do remember my husband doing that when we were in our mid-20's. His cousin was a truck driver and would come in to town, stop by our place and the out the door they would go. Typically I'd hear from him the next day in the late afternoon. We would argue when he returned and sometimes he would be more considerate when he next went out but it was never consistent.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Everyone is saying you should go out and do the same thing but that seems so wrong and childish to mr and really if you did that how would he even notice because he won't be home waiting but out with his buddies instead?

- Response by darkpyramid, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Houston, Self-Employed

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These days a man has to be careful not to drive home after drinking. Its a crime and there are road blocks. If he's had a few drinks with his friends he's not supposed to drive home.

If he only stays out once in a while when his friends come to town to visit then there is nothing you should worry about.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Yes it is weird and very wrong

He's not a kid anymore

- Response by scooper, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Who Cares?

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HHHMMM. Let's see how often does he do this. You mention that his friends come to town to visit and they go out and have fun. I can understand that coming home the next day is not cool at all. Coming home that night will be better. The reason I mention this is because. Once in a while in a while my married friend will go out and we get together but we get home to her house at a reasonable time. So if this is a situation that he does not all the time, you have to voice your opinion because this is a marriage and tell him look, you are happy that you go and have fun with your boys, please come at a reasonable time that night. If not get a cab or you will pick him up if he is drunk.
Don't flip out on him... BE Firm and calm. However, if he doesn't listen to your request then that is when you go to the next step and do your thing to either go counseling.
the reason I mention is that, you are still young and have single friends and he will not stop seeing them. Plus, I have married friends who have friends who go out once in awhile with their boys and sometimes stay over their friends house and they trust him to call that they are staying over so and so's house and will sober up that morning.
I hope this works out. remember you need to talk to him and therefore he will show you the respect you deserve.
Good luck

- Response by womanv, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, New York, Self-Employed

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You must remember that men mature slower than woman.Your husband is perfectly normal.It is good that he does not drive when he has been drinking.And if you are alright with it,he is proably doing the right thing.He will grow out of it.My husband would do the same thing, when we were first together.He was about the same age.And he did grow out of it. :)

- Response by roanna, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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No..if it bothers you.. that DOESN'T mean it's one poster said.

Another said the usual "men mature slower than women" crap..also NOT true. Men and women mature differently. Women only judge the "maturity" by how fast he wants to have a family...yet grown women in their 60's still cry if their husbands leave them for a couple of hours and still have the same mentality as little girls, which is why nearly all women describe themselves AS...little girls inside.

Women are literally BORN thinking about family and kids... that doesn't = maturity.

Women want to get married and have kids typically in their 20's while men still want to be FREE and independent at that age, regardless if they're married or not.

When women get to be in their 30's or 40's.. they often now want to forget the kids and husbands and go out and have fun where as men at this age are now often thinking about getting serious "settling down" and having kids and family.

There is a reversal going on here. Women reach the stage of wanting kids and family sooner..that's all where as men party first then want to focus on marriage and kids. It doesn't mean women mature faster by far.

When men are boys they're more like women..cry easy, get afraid, etc, when they get older, they no longer cry at much of anything, except the death of a parent or close relative or such and are almost never afraid as they were when a child.

When women are girls they cry easy, scream at everything, need constant hugs, validation and support.. when women get older..they STILL cry easy, scream at everything and need constant hugs, validation and support.. so there is actually NO maturation going on at all in most.

Yes, it is fairly normal for a man at his means that the stress of being married is boxing him in and he NEEDS to be with male friends and company and forget the obligations or responsibilities of being married for a nigh, WITHOUT having to feel he has to "check in" like he did with his mother when he was a boy. Guy hated it when we had to do it for our mothers...the LAST thing he wants is to have to do it for you because then the anger and hate for when his mother made him do it AUTOMATICALLY gets transferred to YOU!

And you women can go on and on ALL you want with your "but it's not your mother it's your wife" crap, it makes NO difference. You STILL a woman and NO man wants have it where he HAS to check in with a woman, whether you think it's done out of LOVE or not..that's YOUR FEMALE definition of LOVE..NOT a man's!.

Unless he has a habit of going out and cheating on you in the past.. LET IT GO!!

You can nicely ASK him if he wouldn't mind just calling to let you know that he's it in the context of.. I love you and worry about you and just want to make sure your ok, I know you can take care of yourself but it helps me to sleep better at night after I hear your ok.

THIS way you give him the chance to be the HERO in doing it to be nice and not as a demand or OBLIGATION because he's only going to rebel if you try and FORCE him to do it. The more women try and force things on men, demand or give him an attitude like he better do it or else...even if he does it..your pushing him further and further away, pissing him off and destroying his feelings and respect for you.

DO NOT ACT LIKE HIS's the LAST THING a man wants from a "WIFE"

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Sounds as if your husband has a wild streak in him. He'll grow out of this stage with time. Staying out late at night with his friends will get old after time. However, there is a strong possibility that his single friends will enjoy the company of loose women. Remember, there is AIDs out there, you can get rid of your immature husband but as you well know there is no cure for AIDs. Discuss this matter with him and if he doesn't change his behavior seriously consider getting rid of him and ending the marriage.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Sounds very strange to me!

- Response by usarmy24id, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Celebrity

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It is inconsiderate and immature. Does he feel comfortable calling you for a ride if he is to drunk to drive? Do they set up one of them to be a designated driver? My daughter and her friends, who are younger than him, do this. They take turns being sober cab. My husband always called me when he was to drunk to drive. I always picked him up and was thankful that he called me instead of driving. Without knowing if this has been a topic of discussion for the two of you, it is hard to answer this. The only time I know of that my husband has stayed out all night was when we were contemplating separating and divorce. He was cheating on me at the time. But realize, they don't have to stay out all night to cheat on you. Talk to him and find out what the reason is that he is gone for a night and most of the next day. It sounds to me like he is a problem drinker. Getting so drunk that you can't get home is a problem. It sounds like they get obliterated and then spend most of the next day sobering up. But please, don't have any children until he is ready to be done with this behavior. You don't need the added stress of that responsibility right now.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65

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very inconsiderate and immature and as someone who has been married 22 years I can tell you flat out my husband NEVER did this and I don't know one of my friends whose husbands do this eaitehr (and several of then are YOUR age).. sorry but that is NOT appropriate.. its one thing to go and see them and have fun but home is home.. married men should NOT be out all night unless they are on a trip out of town

- Response by smartblond, A Sweet Sarah, Female, Who Cares?, Charlotte, Self-Employed

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Depending on how often he's going out with his friends and how often his friends come into town, it's possible that he sees 'hanging' with his friends as a way to unwind and have 'fun' with them...if they are doing this every other weekend and/or more than two times a month, then that's way too many times for him to be going out and 'letting loose'...however, if this is something he does every few months, it might be a way for him to unwind and just get away from everything for a few hours...if you've talked to him and let him know how you feel and he doesn't acknowledge what you are saying and just does whatever he wants, it might be best to let him know that you don't mind if he goes out with his friends once a month, but if it's more than that it's too to him and let him know that once a month of 'having fun' is okay but more than that and it can become a problem...if he goes out about the same amount of time that you do with your friends, he may see it as having a 'guys' night out like you have with your girl friends...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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My husband & I have been married for only 14 months and just separated because of this exact same scenario. I suspect that you are asking this question because it happens on a regular basis. Your husband is up to no good. You probably already know this though. Follow him next time or if you can hire someone to do it.See what he's really up to. A happily married male friend of mine told when this first started happening to me that there are only 3 reasons a married man stays out all night: sex,drugs or alcohol. He's right. Find out which one it is and cut your losses and find someone decent before you're too old to.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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you musta gained a lota weight since your nuptials fraught with worry about this wayward bastrd looser...

imho yes, why would a man leave his wife for the guys unless well he comes out o the closet so to speak->?

- Response by movi, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Administrative

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Insensitive, hurtful and destructive would be my conclusion. He appears not to consider you his priority, relationship-wise. His friends displace you which sets you both up for failure once the rejection,loss of self esteem and distrust set in. If you don't confront this situation now, you can guarantee yourself misery, heartbreak and bitterness. Once you start to feel like you don't mattter, you are approaching the end of a relationship. You must make him aware of your feelings and how this threatens your marriage but after that it will be up to him to choose whether he values what you have enough to change his behavior. I'm truly sorry. I know how much this can hurt.

- Response by indiansummer, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Technical

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I think you've already answered your own question. He thinks he's still in his college days and can do whatever he wants, and that being married and having a wife doesn't matter. Perhaps he envies the freedom that his single friends have, and goes along with their program so they won't think he's henpecked at home. At any rate, it sounds like he wants to live the best of both worlds, and he needs to make up his mind which one he wants to be in. I hope this doesn't happen often...

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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My husband doesn't do that, nor does anyone else I know. We're a bit older though, so our partying until dawn days are a bit past.

It's more likely that my husband would have an out of town conference or the night shift, sometimes I even go to the conferences too, but other times I don't feel like it. He always call to say goodnight if he's not sleeping here.

Some of the conferences do involve late night dinners and drinking, which I hope he enjoys. Also, whenever he goes out with his buddies, I tell him to stay out late and get drunk, but to please take a cab or I'll pick him up. He usually comes home relatively early though, and only once was he pretty buzzed. If he did occasionally want to go out all night, I don't think I would mind, as long as he let me know beforehand and called to say goodnight.

What would bug me is that your husband isn't even calling to say goodnight, and isn't telling you what he's doing. That's pretty disrespectful. Why is he hiding what he's doing?

Around here, the bars close at 2 in the morning.

Could they be running around the beach or fishing? It could be perfectly harmless night owl stuff. If his buddies lived far away, it would make sense that he sleeps over and I would actually encourage it (you don't want him driving tired or drunk, do you?), but at least he could tell you first so you don't stay up worrying.

- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Mature or immature, he neither gives you a call to warn you nor he gets back home in the morning! We don't know your situation, therefore can't judge it. In any case, one thing is pretty clear that he's damn disrespectful. There is another thing, he may assume that his actions are perfectly fine. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him why he acts this way and let him know that it REALLY bothers me and that it's a dealbreaker. Just remember that no one can read minds.

- Response by chichek, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Moscow, Other Profession

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no need for an indepth study here or a dissertation. That's inconsiderate. Immature. Egotistical and irresponsible. Not to mention disrespectful. That's unacceptable behaviour. This is one of those necessary times when you give him an ultimatum. Be calm when you do it.

- Response by thethinker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, San Antonio, Financial / Banking

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He is immature and not ready for marriage. For some 25 is still the time to sow your wild sounds as though that might be what he thinks...especially if his core group of friends he respects are still unattached.

Big picture...He still gets his emotional needs for companionship, etc., social approval from his juvenile friends....which unfortunately means he was likely not ready to be married in the first place and this is his way of acting out...not to put any blame on you because his behavior is totally inexcusable...but did he enter into your marriage of his own free will with no pressure from you or family at all? If so then he is just immature and needs to grow up...if he was pressured then he is acting out...if there are no kids involved...I would pack a bag for him when he returns and tell him you think you both need time apart for him to figure out if he wants to be married or prepared for the worst or and expect a wake up call for him. If you are home ready and waiting for whatever when he finally rolls in you are not SHOWING him that you won't go for that bullshit so he has no reason to change it.

If he asks where should he go...tell him to sleep wherever the hell he has been the last few days. He will either wake up or walk out and you will at least no what you are dealing with...better to know early before kids or have kids growing up in a bad example environment.

- Response by clip22, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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It's ok to go out with his buddies when they come to town but he needs to get home at a respectable time. He has to realize he's not single like they are and have a family waiting at home.

- Response by nymodel3, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Atlanta, Fashion

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This is unacceptable! Once you are married "sleep overs" at friends houses are no longer acceptable. There is no reason why your husband should not return home after a night out with his friends. None! If he's too drunk to drive then he needs to call a cab. The only reason why a married man needs to stay out all night is to get some action on the side.

If my husband pulled this shit he would find divorce papers on the kitchen table by 5 pm the next day!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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If he is 25 and he does this once every few months...leave him alone.

If it's an every other weekend thing, no, it's not okay.

But if it's once in a blue moon? Let him still have fun so he doesn't feel like all his good times are behind him. If he comes to that realization, I promise you will hate your marriage and your life.

- Response by vabyss, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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That's inconsiderate of your husband. He should know that that sort of behavior is a marriage wrecker.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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..i think that people should wait untill 30 nowadays to get married..u won't even ask these kinds of questions in a few years..:)

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Financial / Banking

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Guys only mature very late, if at all they do!! In our Asian culture, we believe the ideal age for a guy to be married is 30 & above. And for the girls, it's nothing earlier than 27. Cos this is when guys/gals have had all fun and will start looking out to settle down in order to start a new life. So in this sense, you r not wrong to feel this way. And I dont blame him too much on still not being responsible. The best thing here is for you both to have a good talk. Upkeep patience. Things will change eventually. Perhaps once a baby arrives!! :) (i hope u dont oredi have a baby otherwise my advice above shld change a bit)

- Response by curvysweety, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Tampa, Executive

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Do you think maybe he is having an affair?

- Response by davetkd, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Fitness

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- Response by brown5, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Financial / Banking

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Gotta love those young marriages!

They always work out so well.....

- Response by sharonpeters, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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then they try to pull the "staying gone all weekend"...

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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most guys that do this are picking up other girls at the bar or whatever...

- Response by jasmine27, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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why don't you just pick him up from the bar??

Have you offered? If he shuts that down, insist on it. If he has nothing to hide, he should be GREATFUL and happy to have someone that cares enough about him to pick him up and bring him home safely.

If not, better be careful...

- Response by jasmine27, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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