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My husband lied about female friends, is this marriage fixable?
Married Life / 2:40 PM - Monday October 05, 2009

My husband lied about female friends, is this marriage fixable?

I have found out that my husband has hidden coorespondence to female co-workers stating friendship only. They are not attractive, but have very strong personalities and self-esteem. Husband states he is not attractive to them, he just likes having conversation. However, when I found out about these two girls, he quit communicating with them ,stating he did not want to upset me. He said he felt like i would never be OK with female friends. I think, if there friends only, why does the friendship stop, and why can't i be included. We have been unhappy for a few years, he refuses counseling, and i can't tell if he is here for the children (3) or for me. He says he loves me, but he acts selfish. We have been married almost 20 years, and are in our young 40s. He still likes to have sex with me, but because of his behavior toward me past few years it has been little and on my part. He acts secretive. I know these girls as we work at the same employer. They usually ignore me. I do not know whether to believe sex was involved or not. I feel humilated, as this has gone on behind my back for past couple of years. Is this marriage fixable? He says he wants to be with me, but how do I tell if it is just for convenience?

Update: October 05, 2009.
Just to clarify, I've never cared about him having female friends, as I have always had male friends; i just never hid mine. I don't mean to be included always, I just meant that in the two years he hasn't even talk/text them in front of me. They have spouses/S.O's but he doesn't want us all to go out together. In 20 years, I have never become upset about him talking to females, I just don't understand the hiding of them.

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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Trust is earned in minutes, but it can take well over a lifetime to gain once it's broken. You CANT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TRUST.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Celebrity

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Community Rating: Community Star

you have many errors in logic here but you also have stated the answer to the question you asked

did he have sex with them, i doubt it, a man has to be physically attracted to the woman, and she has to offer a lot if he is going to risk his marrage and his employment for it, so if i was going to risk that i would want a hottie

he is allowed to have friends that are his, just as you are, why do you have to be friends with his friends/???? thats too much, you can have friends too ya know

and he was right in hidding it behind your back and ENDING it, as you can see in your post that you would not have been able to handle it very well, which you didn't

also, i doubt he has completely stopped talking to them, he would not make them suffer cause of his wife, he is just probably doing it more secretly now

now on to your relationship, well from what you wrote the red flags are all there,
he says he loves you, but is he IN love with you, there is a difference, i love my sister, i am IN love with my wife

a big portion of the reason your marrage is still together is the kids, so don't fool yourself otherwise, and thats ok,

see, you have to recognize that he and you are failing each other in your relationship
you two need to talk to each other, see communication is the key to all relationships, you can't fix problems you don't know about

and its hard for people to do that, a suggestion would be that you and he write each other a love letter, and by that you write to him all the fears you have, wants, where you think he is screwing up in the relationship, where you think YOU are screwming up (cause it takes two people to make a relatihoship fail, always), and have him write a letter to you, then you two can read and reread them alone, then from there start talking

cause your relationship is not going to magically fix itself you and he need to work at it everyday

the red flags you fear are there, but know that you know its there you can stop worring about if it is there or not and start working at fixing it and making it better


- Response by beautifulloser, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Detroit, Executive

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Is there merit to what he's said? Have you ever been comfortable with him having female friends?

All relationships have ups and downs. Being married and in a relationship means that you work THROUGH those issues and grow together.

Bonne chance,


- Response by laughingbandit, A Player, Male, 36-45, Toronto, Executive

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not a good idea to work at the same place as the spouse*

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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Have yourself a little get together at some fireman's hall and invite these girlsfriends of his. You can determine pretty darn quick when they are in the same room just what is what. And then you can go from there. If you expect monogamy my guess is that you aren't getting it and they are on the down low because he is getting some extra on the side and bad mouthing you to boot. That sucks since you work with these women.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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