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Boyfriend Hates Himself! HELP!!!
Dating / 12:38 PM - Friday October 02, 2009

Boyfriend Hates Himself! HELP!!!

Ok...I am seeing this WONDERFUL man. He is intelligent, GORGEOUS, sweet, caring...I love him! We are apart right now, but are planning on fixing that (he lives in another state) He has a good job, and I FULLY trust him, which is a HUGE thing for me. I love him more than I have EVER loved anyone, it just feels right, and I think he is "The One" Our only issue is that he hates himself. He does not give himself enough credit, and he thinks he is stupid. I am fairly above average intelligence, and I have NEVER been able to tolerate stupid people. He is NOT stupid. He is always degrading himself, and it hurts him. I have tried complimenting him, I don't know what to do!!! I can't handle it, because it hurts me for him to hurt...I am totally lost...all I want is for him to be happy. He has the most AMAZING smile, but he doesn't use it much. His smile lights up my whole life! I want to MARRY this man, but I know that we will never make it if he can't learn to like do I get through to him?

- Asked by ladyinarkansas79, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Law Enforcement

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How about you start by showing him what you just wrote? There is a reason he has such low self esteem, something happened to him in his past.

I used to be like that, until my hubby now changed that. Being there for him is the best thing you can do.

- Response by nationalguardwife04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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So you are trying to change him. You are going to change him into what you want him to be. And you consider yourself above average in intelligence?

Pray tell. How many other men have you changed successfully?

Have you ever heard of the fox and the scorpion?

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Community Rating: Community Star

Personally for me, this would be a deal breaker on two counts.

I do not date guys who have a negative self-image. I could not respect or admire a guy who did not respect and admire himself.

Secondly, I have found I cannot maintain a long distance relationship. For me, I have to be able to hold him and kiss him and be in his loving arms for me to feel happy and satisfied in a relationship.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Did you meet this guy online?

Either way, I'd be really wary of making any long term commitments with this guy until he helps himself. You can't "fix" people. Ever.

They can only fix themselves...

- Response by sharonpeters, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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it's not your job, lady. it's not your job at all, nor are you qualified to help him get out from under his insecurities. he should be in therapy with a trained professional in order to fix the underlying causes of his personal baggage.

get him to go to therapy, and if you feel that you cannot marry him until or unless he is healed, then put all notions of marriage aside for the short-term.

- Response by two469, An Alternative Girl, Female, 18-21, Seattle, Science / Engineering

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This could be a problem, your right. Either he has very low self estem or possibly he is enguaged in a destructive behaviour picked up from his past or from the influences of his past.
I hate to say this and I may well be wrong but I think you could go down another route and see what happens. STOP tryin to dig him out of his problems and leave the space he is in when he does this without saying anything. Thats one choice.

I think the fact that you appear to be trying very hard to help him emotionally at your own expense, this makes no sense at all.

I wish you both well

- Response by spadeace, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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he's a "poor me" type who likes his pity parties. stop babying him. the more you try to console him the more he's going to cry about it. give him attention and affection when he's feeling good about himself. once he stats wining about what loser he is, ignore him. hopefully he'll get the hint that this attitude doesn't get him any "lovin" and eventually see that when he's confident is when he gets your attention.

ignore the poor behavior and reward the good.

- Response by guy5432, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Who Cares?

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how can you be in love with someone who doesn't love himself. it won't work. i don't see marriage in the future for you two. sorry. i see prozac

- Response by A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Ottawa, Retail

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Oh dear!! I totally understand ur situation. Very sweet of you for wanting to go all out for a man with such a "personal disorder". I'm sure he's a nice guy. Besides having this personal issue, how does he treat u?? Do u think he'd agree to seek professional help, like consulting a psychologist or a counselor?? Bcos my dear, if he doesnt knw hw to make himself happy, he's not gona keep u happy too. U r very right to say that things won't work out over the long run if he doesnt change for the better. Trust me, u'd get exhausted. I'd strongly suggest tat u dont jump into marriage too soon. Give yourselves more time. Get to knw him better on wat had happened to him in the past, for him to be like tis now.

- Response by curvysweety, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Tampa, Executive

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Im Sorry Hun Hes Playing the oldest trick in the book he wants to leave the relationship but he don't wanna stop being friends with you so he thinks you will leave him faster if he carrys himself this way if you see changes hes fighting real hard to go let him go hes still immature no one will want him!

- Response by deedy26, A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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