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How to tell a friend you don't want to live with her (and neither does anyone else)
Friendship / 11:20 PM - Wednesday September 30, 2009

How to tell a friend you don't want to live with her (and neither does anyone else)

It's junior year of college and my friends and I are looking into housing options for next year. (I know, it's really early but real estate around here is a competitive scene). We all currently live together in a house that an organization we're in owns, but this past summer we decided we all wanted to live together again senior year in apartments. The problem is, now that we live in close quarters we have all noticed that one person in the group is a terrible roommate. She's extremely competitive, passive-aggressive and condescending. She is mean to anyone who is more successful than she is and she arbitrarily gives people the silent treatment for days at a time. You've all had that roommate: the stormy, evil-eye giving, passive-aggressive note-leaving, "debbie downer" (yeah I said it) roommate. If she's not having fun than dammit, nobody else can either. She's a nice person, just insecure. It's too bad that these insecurities manifest themselves in such a disagreeable way. And I know that kicking someone out of a housing agreement isn't exactly a boost to the self-esteem but none of us want to spend our last year of college in the kind of tense, unpleasant environment she creates.

There are nine of us in this group including her. We have found two beautiful four-room apartments side by side in the same building. Nobody in this entire group of eight people is willing to share a space with this one girl. Her roommates from last year will not take her back. (surprised?) She appears to have no idea that we have a problem with her behavior and ignores us when we try to talk to her about it. I'm sure if we kicked her out she would be blindsided, you know? It would come as a huge slap in the face to her. What do we do? She's cool as long as you're not living with her. The rest of us are good at acknowledging tension, talking it out, compromising and moving on. She doesn't do that and it's too late to learn. Cool girl. Really cool girl. Not a cool roommate.

I'm so sorry this is such a long post but has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? Do you think you did the right thing? Do you regret it? does your friend hate you now or are things ok? We don't want to burn our bridges here. We still love her, we just aren't compatible as housemates.

And how do we tell her...? The tricky thing is, when we break the news she'll hit us with the exact behavior that makes us not want to live with her in the first place.

- Asked by kittyscherbatsky, A Career Woman, Female, 26-28, Student

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Her name is really Simon Cowell isn't it?

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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Community Rating: Community Star

I would wait until she has one of those moods and tell her as friends things are ok but as of room mates it will no longer work out.Be upfront and let her have plenty of time to make other plans.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Read your post out loud to your self. One little bit of advise. People teach people how to treat them. If you can, as you say, talk out problems, then do so with this troublesome room mate...All of you sit with her at the same time and speak your opinions.

- Response by jsj52006, A Trendsetter, Female, 56-65, Sacramento, Self-Employed

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As much as I hate to say it, it does not sound like your group has a choice. She sounds like the type of person that will end up learning the hard way. In order for her to understand, you all must get together at the same time, like an intervention, and each of you tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her that she must live for 1 year on her own without any help from anyone in your group before she can come back. Give her 2 or 3 days to move her things out. If she does not go, then the 8 of you will have to get together and put her things out. Understand that this will not be easy for any of you. It will be harder for you than it will be for her, but she will learn eventually. I had to do it to my own son and now him and I are the best of friends.

- Response by ntnse01, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Hi There. I am in the exact situation right now. My boyfriend and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment to help my friend out because she couldn't afford to live on her own. The lease will be up in 3 1/2 months and I just can't resign the lease with her. She has some rude, weird habits and when we talk to her, she seems to understand but then doesn't change anything. She doesn't seem to realize anything is wrong and I want to give her 90 days notice before our lease is up because we would like her to leave. How did you end up handling the situation with your uncool roommate?

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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