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I am always to blame, why?
Family & Parenting / 5:54 PM - Saturday September 26, 2009

I am always to blame, why?

In my family when I was young if my father got caught in a lie (my fault) if my mother didn't pay the gas bill (my fault) and so on. As an adult now with my own family nothing has changed. I don't know how it got this way. My mother still plays the blame game with me if someone didn't inform her on a time or something it is my fault although I had nothing to do with it, and my children do it too. From bad grades, missing something, broken things you name it. There is alot to this with the fact that my husband cheats on me, disrespects me and flat out makes it known to all that everything bad in his life is my fault. So, since I have no respect in this house, and my emotions and confidence are shot and I am as low as you can get. How do I regain some control with my kids? How can I make them see that I am not always the bad guy? How can I stop being the family punching bag and start being me ?

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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With all due respect to you, the first thing you need to do is get that "kick me" sign off of your back. It isn't fair that people have picked on you all of your life. But, you're an adult now. Those are your children. They shouldn't be running anything in that household. And, you need to stand up and tell everyone you're tired of that sh*t and they need to find someone else to blame for their screw ups! As long as those kids are depending on you and not the other way around, you absolutely DO have control over them.

You see yourself as a victim and everyone is treating you like you are. You are everyone's punching bad to get rid of their frustrations and misery. Don't take it anymore, period. Your self-esteem is battered by all of this. But, only you can choose to not take that anymore from anyone. Don't react to their nonsense. Believe me, when they realize they aren't upsetting you anymore, they will stop trying. Good luck.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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Pick up yyour self respect and dust it off.... You do not have to take all the blame for anything.... Responsibility is another matter and a more adult perspective.... Take each issue one by one and admit to your successes and failures... If there is a pattern like avoidance sit down with yourself and a cup of coffee and begin to list why you have not done all that you could and address what you can fix, apologize for that which you have missed and trun a new page... Spend the next few weeks inventorying just how much control you need and where you lost it and retake it.... Will it be easy..well hell no...no one like for anyone to be assertive and set parameters....but it is
one on the first requirements of good psychological health....You do not have to be a door mat for people to love you....Obviously what you have done so far has not helped you gain love or respect...set a new path....

By the way if you see me on that path.... I have some roadwork to do too...
Best regards...
Lady~~~~

- Response by lady4u, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Cincinnati, Who Cares?

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No one in my family screws with me because I would totally flip out and go Rambo on their ass if they did. You need to find your anger and unleash it. You need to stick up for yourself, tell them what you said is unacceptable and support consequences if they violate your boundaries.

You also need to get some distance from your parents if they are toxic and leave your husband.

- Response by meowmeowww, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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I think it starts with you standing up for yourself. If your child says something is your fault let him or her know in no uncertain terms that it is not your fault. Explain that with age should come maturity and if they don't accept responsibility for the things they do they may not earn the things they want. For example don't allow them to go to do extra things, get a drivers license or have friends over. Do not accept their rude and disrespectful behavior. Dr. Phil always says you teach people how to treat you. So, stop teaching them that doing bad things and saying hurtful things will get them what they want. Don't be a push over. As for your husband, you have to decide if you are going to live with him or not. But, you should also decide if you want to be his doormat anymore. If he wants to cheat then stop doing his laundry, cleaning his house and cooking his food. If your family chooses negative behavior then show them that they also choose their own negative consequences. Either they will change or you will. You deserve better than that. But nothing will change until you decide to believe that.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Home Maker

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It seems you were conditioned to be in that role from a very young age. As far as now goes, if hubby cheats on you, leave him! You have a little control with the kids, maybe you can train them not to treat you the way they have been, blaming and such. They are learning that behavior from their father. I used to call it the "blame the wife" syndrome. I am now in the process of getting a divorce.

Keep you chin up sweetie, you have some tough decisions coming your way!
CG101

- Response by candygirl101, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Retail

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